Grief and Heaviness

Fifteen years of marriage comes to an end overnight as I discovered my husband was “not happy” and moved on. Had I known that things were not going well, I would have been willing to work with him. But past is past. I have managed to keep going ;although, the grief has felt to be so massive at times I felt that I would not survive.

Day by day I deal with that which I have to deal with. My practice has been a balm. To stay in a place of love and forgiveness even while dealing with emotions is very, very difficult. I have turned to prayer. When I awaken at night, I pray. When I come home and the emptiness hits me, I sit and meditate.

I am so very thankful for my friends who have spent much time handing me tissues and listening to me snivel on. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve such wonderful, supportive people but I am blessed. I know that I am meant to be a wife and a partner. I have so much love in me to give to one who treasures it and me.

So I concentrate on my teaching, on trying to make it through the days, on what I can do to help my students and on my health.

I will have two pieces in the SOPA art show coming up. I have pieces up at the KLO Okanagan College learning centre. Now is not an expansive time because of the adjustments. But I will be looking for opportunities and shows in the coming future. My class on digital photographic art is full so that will be something to look forward to.

Kelowna is finally coming out of winter and headed to some spring like weather. I look forward to working in the garden and assisting in the beauty of the flowers. I look forward to a time when my heart is not so wounded. Now I sit meditation, pray and enjoy the love of friends. Expect nothing. Give thanks for what pleasures are present. The urge to see over the hill, to see the trajectory of a life is so strong. And a delusion.

February is the month of heart

Gray mist laying over the hills like lacy negligee, the shapes showing seductively here or there, as I travel the valley to Penticton. I have the pleasure of teaching Adult Basic Education to a wonderful class of students. The journey itself takes an hour but I play CD’s of Buddhist thought to train my mind. I may begin to listen to my french CD’s next week.

Meanwhile I had work in the Penticton Art Gallery show to encourage critical thinking about the Olympics. The Salmon Arm Art Gallery  show of Post Card Art has two of my works on display. In addition, the Learning Centre at Okanagan College on KLO Road has my large pieces on display. They look wonderful in the space. On Saturday, I will have art, crafts for display at Conduit, an evening event at the Rotary Centre for the Arts. The Conduit show goes from 4 pm until 1 pm Saturday night.

My Class on Digital Photographic art is coming up in May through UBC-Okanagan’s Continuing Studies Program.

It is a time of transition. Some of it involving deep grief, regret, a sense of loss. So many members of my family have died or left this past year, I feel as if I am standing nude bereft of the covering of connections that held me protected and grounded. My Buddhist practice is so incredibly valuable as I travel through this stage.

Show at the Learning Centre, KLO Rd. Okanagan College

Show at the Learning Centre, KLO Rd. Okanagan College

Sandon’s Dharma lesson tonight was “Saying Stop to the elephant of delusion.” He encouraged us to stand in front of the charging, delusional thought, put up a hand and say, “Stop.” Each time we see the large, looming ego thoughts, we have to recognize them and make an attempt to stop the stampede.

Yellow tulips are on the chest of drawers, calling out to spring. All is new. I am moving into a new space, a new life. To be willing to not know the direction that my life is moving, is difficult. To release expectations and live in the now is challenging. I soften to now. I work on my poetry and my art. I work on my life.