Today is the anniversary of the dissolution of my partnership, friendship and married state. Things are getting easier in the sense that I can sleep for four or more hours a night. The emptiness is still intense. The sense of unreality and living in a darkened valley is pervasive. Yesterday when I was buying apples, I was excited to see the kind my husband likes and began to put them in a bag. No. He isn’t there any more. Then I began to sob in the store, deep soul rending sobs. I embarrass myself. The act of caring for, thinking about, trying to find small gifts and pleasures for the person I love are habits developed over 16 years and it is a deep sense of loss when I cannot show my love any longer.
words that held no meaning
I have created a couple of digital art works and begun to put thoughts as poems up on facebook in order to speed the mourning process. I do not love lightly. I do not love easily. Fiercely loyal and passionate, I have held on when others would have walked away.
When I think of the two of us, I think of gardening. Two plants that are close together have their roots intertwined. To transplant them is to tear the roots apart, the white threads indistinguishable until the ripping begins. This tearing was not gentle, anticipated nor was it kind. The shock has set me back but the sun is shining and I have hopes that one day I will not be so wounded and full of sorrow. One day I will wake to calm and not emptiness.
your voice so sweet carries me forward
The sun is frozen on the branches
outside my window.
I awake alone.
Air hangs cold in the room
There is no sound of you
with coffee cups of love
to warm the day.
I am waiting
for my heart to mend
and pull the wrapping blankets around
to hold me like your arms.
One foot in front of the other even though I cannot see the ground keeps me moving. The two images I have up at Sopa are in the gallery.
Embrace $680 at Sopa under 8 show
Today I will begin the process of getting my taxes done, finding out if I had a successful procedure to stop the tearing of the retina in my right eye (the doctor said it is trauma related. Maybe 8 weeks of crying all day). I have a yard to prepare for spring. My class in Penticton needs care. I have the marking up to date and some preparation done but I do need to create a mid term mark. I am hopeful that I can get out of this depression and get back to work in the studio. I am pushing myself to function and making accomplishments.
Grieving is exhausting work but I don’t want to take this baggage forward with me. I want it out of my system, out of my heart. There is love waiting for me. I am sure of that.