The healing process continues for my foot and my life. Yesterday, I cleaned, did laundry, worked six hours harvesting my short poems from Facebook for my next anthology and made up some food for myself prepared only for ease of access.
I am learning so much about myself as I work my way through the weeks. Not being able to walk or move freely, is very difficult for a person who thrives on forming goals and going full tilt after those targets.
The sense of being lost and directionless is reinforced now with the loss of mobility. So I got out my journal and went back through the pages to find if there are any items on my list that have been floating on the seas of intention.
Yesterday I began to go through those items and see if I could remove them from the world of the undone. Small steps can make me feel like I am getting somewhere.
By the end of the day yesterday my foot was swollen and pulsing. The joy of just doing common things like cleaning the front of the cupboards from ten days of splashings was wonderful. All of the throw rugs are now free of spots and stains that I Pollocked on them with my hopping coffee and splashing cereal.
The question sometimes comes to me is my life just too small? Is my focus on having my environment tidy funneling off the focus and energy I could be using for larger goals? One thing I do know about myself is I can count on the second guessing voice. I walk the path on the left and wonder if the path on the right would have been better. At least I am more patient with myself about this query about best choice.
There is so much I want my life to be about that is not about putting an errant tea bag away. Right now that is about 25 hops. However, every errant tea bag is more clutter and builds a structure of disorder around me.
Issues such as financial strength, physical strength, emotional strength keep surfacing. I want the grief that drains all of the charge from my heart to end. However, I can turn it around and congratulate myself on being able to love so deeply. I can mirror back to myself that I know how to bond and form a loving partnership.
Those skills will make for a better future. There will be a time when someone who is whole will come into my life and walk the rest of the way with me.
For now, I am just trying to get from room to room with greater crutching skills every day. I turn over to the universe my prayers for a less limited life in all senses of the word. I ask to be strong, to be passionate, to have a sense of counting in the world and to find like souls to be close to me as I grow and become more steady on my feet.