I am bathing my brain cells in CD’s, DVD’s, on line radio broadcasts, web sites that are all to one end. This time in my life is so clearly a falling away of the past and a moving into a new way of existing in the world. Much of what I have read or experienced in the past provides me with direction. It is easier to read the map now that delusions have fallen away.
piece I sold at Under 8 Sopa Gallery
Each day begins with meditation. I sit in the wonderful, turquoise green chair that was discovered on a walk when I was still “married” and my husband brought it home. I light candles and incense and sit quietly. Sometimes I concentrate on my breath, sometimes I concentrate on concentrating on my breath, sometimes I watch my thoughts. What I have learned after over a year of daily practice is to not attach to non-attachment. That sly ogre under the bridge , the ego- troll waits. The grading or judging of the efficacy of the meditation is just the troll. It was good. It was bad. My mind was busy. All of these thoughts are unimportant. It is the sitting itself that is important.
What have I learned in the year:
I have learned not to judge my judging.
I have learned to have empathy and compassion for the pain I feel.
I have learned that my mind seeks narrative. (The seduction of a story draws me. I will…. story begins. I did…. story begins.)
I have learned that my childhood has left me with a deep seated feeling of emptiness that I crave to fill with thoughts and work.
I have learned that I can teach myself new skills by NOT moving.
I have learned that my tenacity and rigidity is a gift because once I teach myself, I will commit to a new pattern.
I have learned that tears will come when I think of those I have lost no matter how good or how damaged our relationship was, I still feel the loss.
I have learned that I can create a sense of safety and love by relaxing into the moment.
However the subconscious “gut instinct” much spoken about is sildenafil tablets australia a double edged sword. This robertrobb.com order viagra australia has not so much found in the open pharmacies that is why some of the symptoms that may occur with the headache include: Chills Increased urination Fatigue Loss of appetite Nausea and vomiting Numbness, tingling, or weakness Problems concentrating, trouble finding words Sensitivity to light or sound Sweating So, visit the reputable and trustworthy health care professionals who have the required dose prescribed by the doctor 1 hour. Microscopic cheap online viagra hematuria accompanied by no symptom proteinuria. 3. Ed and Simon know a factor or two about stumbling all over the globe. levitra generic usa I have learned that by sitting still the day becomes calmer and I become capable of loving others.
My rituals also include writing five things for which I am grateful each day. I am surrounded by loving friends who have become more a family to me than my family ever was. My sisters call me on my delusions, applaud my victories which they fully understand are acts of courage, come to my side when I need one of them, answer my phone calls even when they are busy, check in with me every day, dream about me and most of all want the best for me. This is the gift that I have been given.
My children have been honest and kind to me through this tearing transition. I don’t know how many times I was raging with heart break and crying into the phone as my daughter held her crying baby and talked with her two toddlers. She never said, “Mom, I can’t talk.” She held me in her heart and listened even as she cared for her three children. After I became stronger, I laughingly said she had four whining babies to deal with all at once.
My son has given me his brusque, no holds barred opinion of how my last several years look to him. It is good to be moving into a place where we can be honest with one another as equals.
After I complete my gratitude journal which is a red linen book with the Chinese symbol for Happiness embroidered on the cover, I read affirmations. A few moments of reading the Tao of Pooh, the Tao, Walt Whitman or some other literary form deepens my practice before I step out to the day.
Lately, I have been feeling much stronger. I have a show up at the Unitarian Church that someone told me was “elegant”. I like that. April 1st I will hang a show at the Kelowna Blood Bank. Tomorrow I take three pieces to the Myths and Legends show downtown Kelowna. A Vernon art gallery will be hosting a Digital Artist’s show and I want to have three pieces up in that. Also in April, I have three pieces up for the Under 8 Show at Sopa.
Currently, I have completed an ebook called FACING IT; POEMS POSTED ON FACEBOOK 2010 to 2011. As soon as the ISBN arrives, I will load it into LULU and mash my way through getting a paypal button on this web site so that people can download it from here as well. Today I finished a book cover design for a poet named David Brydges. I have now done four book jackets for him, a web site and business cards. In addition, I completed several sketches for former students who purchased a really beautiful piece in my Canadian Beige series.
CAnadian Beige Circle 22 by 24 Mixed Media
I still have a couple of monologues to write for a theatre company in Sacramento. And the body…
My intention is to get my body very strong. Why? Because. I. Want. To. So I am doing 150 crunches a day, lunges, squats, weights for arms and shoulders and (with great resistance) gone for two hour long walks this week. Patterns, breaking patterns. I have to tell myself…. I know you don’t want to go outside. I know you want to keep working but you can’t change if you don’t make changes. And when I talk to myself very, very gently I listen.
crunches can be worth it
Because I am a workaholic, I frequently have to pull myself back. Whoa Nellie. Step by step. The adrenal glands don’t need to be flooded. Doing without doing. Training. Being aware. Watching. What a journey I am on. And I know I am about to step into a new land very, very soon.