One of the ancillary damages that comes with being in a relationship based on lies, is the second guessing. But what I am learning, is that if I can connect with myself deeply, my body will be the early warning system. It has taken me decades to realize that if I am afraid of someone, it is for a reason.
So today and every morning I rededicate myself to go slowly, pay attention to what I am feeling and learn to be patient with “my process.” I do believe Karma has a way of working out. Whatever it was that I was supposed to learn, no matter how financially costly or bitter the lesson, I am ready to learn.
Always start again. Always start from now. I remind myself.
Slowly, I am starting to awake to the possibilities in my life. I feel so good about the fact that I was able to walk out onto the lawn and take a photograph of the stunningly, complexly beautiful gladiola singing its colors into the yard. I was able to wash my linens and this time I am so much stronger I could hang them on the line.
As I made the bed, the comforting smell of the outdoors was releasing from the sheets. I will lay down into the clean, freshness tonight. What we can do for ourselves, the small steps of making a life are actions of self compassion.
So the bed is made anew, the kitchen clean, images worked and posted on facebook. And as I compare the way I feel to the last time I undertook these steps for order, I see that I am getting my strength back.
Tonight I will donate a piece of art for a children’s charity. My anthology of poetry is now 85 poems in length and I have the art jps ready to upload on the pages.
Several months ago, I talked to the Hay House Radio coach Michael Neil. His advice was to form a desire and then take 400 steps toward it. So the anthology is my next focus.
I have repeatedly played the Cake CD song that I love. Then one day, I understood. The lyrics entered my brain and I got the flash. “Say it all. Say it all.” That was when I realized that my task now is to write honestly about my life. I will continue with the poetry anthology and I am starting a book with the narration of the amazing, weird and unexpected turns that have come to me in my life. “Say it all.” I got the message.
So I am healing, getting more and more able to walk. Although, I have lost a lot of muscle mass and weight I will be back, baby!!!
What I have learned is how amazingly loving my friends are. I have been surrounded by my “sisters” who have mowed my lawn, bought groceries for me, taken me to the doctor and checked in to see how I am doing. There is love all around me. And it is the kind of love that I can count on. I am thankful as I start reforming.
My desire will lead me where I need to go. I am open and willing to learn. While I have placed my trust foolishly in the past, I will trust the Divine Field to lead me where I need to go.