Listening to Eckhart Tolle about turning loneliness into solitude last night helped settle my mind. It is so easy to stay on course, for me when all goes relatively well. But when turbulence comes into my life, I once again see how fragile the peace treaty is between my mind and my higher self.
My issues of being unloveable, of being abandoned, of being betrayed are like the bones of some great beast sticking out of an archeological dig. As soon as crises arise the skeletal framework is unearthed.
Recently, there has been great fear in my life about the health and safety of one I love deeply. This person is deeply frustrated and experiencing core issues that manifest as anger. The anger of others is not something I deal with easily.
My way of coping through out my life is that when I am faced with anger and rejection, I try harder. Shutting down my own feelings and acting like some circus performer going higher and higher off of my own grounding in order to please has never worked. I only endanger myself and eventually, comes the fall.
However, to observe this defacto coping mechanism activated again is kind of perversely fascinating. “How, ” I say to myself, “can you continue to not speak out for yourself? How can you go passive and shut down so thoroughly when you are frightened?”
It is what kept me alive under the age of four but is so patently inappropriate to the life of a 67 year old that it is like self defence with a nerf knife. Wearing an imaginary invisible cape that only I cannot see is a childish technique to avoid the pain of being alive. It just doesn’t work.
So how do I move through life being authentic? How do I learn to establish boundaries without being afraid it will hurt others around me? I so deeply want to learn this lesson and move onto whatever quagmire of delusional fog bog awaits me next in the programmed learning we call life lessons.
I just want to sit myself down and say, “Snap the f*&ck out of it!” Do you think that would work?