Being off my moorings causes me to cling to the sides of my row boat, fingers digging into splintered wood. My rascal imagination pictures unseen whirlpools, sudden waterfalls, an unfortunate meeting with rocks. It is so much easier to let the fog of boredom slide in over the structure of the landscape of events. Of a piece, the same, predictable routine of anesthetized existence will prevent my death.
The wolf soul is tranquilized and told to go lay in the dark. The growling ferocity of self is drugged with fear and denied.
When I untie my self from caution, I am filled with fear. Where are the bow and aft ropes that stabilize my place?
My ability to be dissatisfied is a skill I have perfected over my 72 years. I want more of less and less of more and not that, this. The craving for unrealized goals calls out over the river front of my kedged existence.
I could be more; bigger; powerful; outspoken; of a leader. I could be less; down a size; in debt; lonely; hesitant; questioning.
And what shows me how I can stir up mud in my river shelter is the sense of resistance. I just want to have an adventure but not to leave home. I just want to be in a sustaining relationship but not go on a date. I just want to have a successful business but not get any further in debt.
There are times when it is necessary to untie my boat, put a bag over my head and kidnap my conflicted self.
I am headed off to Toronto and Montreal and I can hear the muffled voice of whining hinderance beneath the cloth. It is time to see what happens when I push off in pursuit of new stimuli for the senses.
And I already know I can swim.