Christmas is a challenge. Yep. Can’t get past that one yet. It is like wearing new bifocals for me this year. I see two fields of reality at once. I move back and forth by simply tilting my perspective.
Christmas is dark. I am alone. I will never be loved. The world is frighteningly aggressive. That is the old lense. That is the familiar vision. That is the ego narrative yammering at me.
And then I pressure myself for perfection. Why aren’t you more _______________? Fill in the blank. So in the way of my mind habits I criticize myself for criticizing myself.
I spent two days last week undressed, wrapped in my red bathrobe with pink polka dots watching Netflix. Oh, I had a companion. And it was a gluten free cheese cake. Over a two day period I cut off slices of the cake until it was gone. Only then did I force myself to get up and get dressed.
So through the one lense I see how far away from the person I want to be I am at this time. The old wounded stories are still there… playing in the background. My vanity parody self comes out and wants to strut around on some runway of validation to the applause of thousands. There are all of these tethers of mind habits that tug on me.
Tilting my head, I see that I have attended to sundry physical problems and gone after support and coaching even when I am at my darkness cave pit of depression. I will seed a positive outcome for the future. I have signed up for a punch card at the Y and gone in for a person training program. And then come home to lay in bed in the dark watching netflix.
I have set up physio therapy sessions for my recovering wrist and work on the program daily so that I am fairly constantly in pain as I open up possibilities of movement. I see my new counsellor and am working on the programs we have designed.
Much of the absolute terror of my past has been uncovered and I have sat with it.
So when I tell myself I am stalled:When I tell myself I am too small for my spirit:When I tell myself that I am feeble and weak: I realize these are all ego past thought habits. And I look to what things I am doing at the present time.
What I know for sure, if I just tilt my head for the distance vision, is that I am dealing with my connection with my body and with my past. It is not small work. It is not the work that a coward undertakes. It is a stage of preparation.
I rest in the knowledge that all growth serves me. Inevitably it will allow me to be a better friend; a better mother; a better spiritual fitness coach. I guess, I learn to trust most effectively by releasing the need for outside validation. I trust because I trust. It is actually quite simple.