We Can Not See

I was sitting in the bath today soaking up epsom salts. When I turned on the radio, I was told today is Blue Monday. A day has come each year which has been by some strange methodology considered the most depressing day of the entire year.

I thought about personal growth; the new year; intentions; taking baby steps. As usual, my mind went to other’s lives. It is always easier to see what others are doing that is unmindful than to clearly see my own self sabotaging behaviour. I kept thinking about the person who has a wounded, broken spirited loved one under his or her wing.

each on a branch

Some that I know have a child who is handicapped in a physical way. Some that I know have a person that they have decided to hold up and not let them go under. I did that for 18 years and eventually if the loved one is an adult, one has to let go and let them learn how to swim.

Others have husbands or wives deeply entranced by recurring stories of victim hood.  These are the teachers. These people are in our lives to take us very deeply into our own growth. Learning how to learn… is the gift and the struggle.

And my mind went back into my own inability to see that I could not rescue anyone. No matter how much I loved that person; No matter how much I leaned into his or her life: No matter how many books I left with them, videos I sent them, or questions I asked them nothing worked. We are alone in the lesson, inevitably. And for me, I learned that my co-dependent addiction was not helping either me or the poor person I was focused on at the time.

I was in the epsom salt bath clearing my own issues. What others have decided to take on is not a puzzle I can any longer put together. The most difficult thing in my life has been to learn it is about my feet on my own path. Any time I can clearly see “what he should do,” or “what she should do,” I know that I am off my own path. It is how I have gotten lost for so many decades. The muscle I need to build to be a healthy woman can only be laid down when I pick up the weights and focus on my own grounding.

All I can do with a person who I love and who is struggling is to bring myself back to the “NOW-HERE”. We sit across from one another and I think, “I love you. I love you now as you are.”

Instead of becoming entranced by what I think I know, I feel lighter, happier and more content just being a student. I wish the best for my friends, for my loved ones, for myself and know that  struggle is the motivation for learning. I can’t do their homework for them. That is cheating. I have my own big pile of work sheets to bend over and figure out.

And as I look out of the window, I see each black bird sitting on a separate branch together but separate. The beautifully silhouetted message against the sky reminds me.