Tag Archives: depression

Gray Skies, Rain and Hope

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Last night my ambitious day of moving through the house putting small things in order resulted in an evening of pain. My foot had deep aching in the bone. If I wasn’t quite clear where the surgery had taken place in the days since August 17th, it was patently clear when I tried to go to sleep.

Because of my aversion to taking pain killers, my aching foot had to talk to me for a good half an hour before I reached for the tylenol 3 and the anti-inflammatory. The day was long and lonely. When I have no contact with others during the day, I see myself slipping down. The negative thoughts which surround me during this isolate period accompany me. My practice is to neither resist them, nor become angry with myself for not evolving more quickly. Compassion.

an opening not seen clearly

What I do know is that this is not the existence that I desired for myself. There is so much that I am doing right. There is so much that I am doing to sustain myself, to grow my spiritual practice. But the critical perfectionist nature that has allowed me to bull dog my way through obstacles is ineffective when I am constrained.

I listened to Sonia Choquette on Hay House Radio last night and her rebroadcast from April had an uplifting effect upon me.http://www.hayhouseradio.com/nowplaying.php She asked the question, “What is your adventure?” As I listened to her, I realized my adventure is to allow myself to pass through this transition from the old life to the new and be patient with the retreat that I am undertaking right now. If I were at the Vipassana Centre I could not write, analyze with words the realizations that are coming to me.

So my healing retreat is partial. My time alone is limited. What needs to be surrendered is knowing the time line.

What is screamingly clear to me is that I cannot remain in this cinder house of grief and fear. Making choices with no guarantee of the outcome is extremely difficult for me.This period has lead me to classic approach/avoidance resentment. Seeing that staying still without making choices is only bringing tears of frustration may be the only way for me to realize that I need to take action.

silver blue mosaic: sky and cloud

I have had my guide’s voice which speaks to me in my right ear tell me, “It is time.” The voice first came to me when I was at the Ayahuasca retreat in Peru. Since then it speaks very, very occasionally.

When I asked, “Time for what?” there was silence. Like a stern parent, the guide just was there amazed at the ridiculous ignorance I was showing. So I know when I can walk again without crutches, it is time… for whatever it is time for. Change, choice, risk taking, making a life for myself beyond this period of grief and regret.

Sonia suggested that at night before you go to sleep you ask the universe to surprise you with a show of bounty, a gift of abundance. After trying it, I awoke to find the Blue Cross very small check for repayment on my drugs. It wasn’t much but it was something. Immediately, I put it on my line of credit. My intention is to lower my large debt from my pay out on the separation. It is a step and steps add up.

While I was reading a meditation book this morning I came across some wonderful thoughts which I will share with you.Taking Flight was a find at Mosaic Books in Kelowna. Written by Jesuit Priest Anthony de Mello who incorporated a Buddhist practice with his priesthood, the book has many pearls of wisdom.

1.”Both what you run away from and what you yearn for- is within you.”
2.”If you think you are what your friends and enemies say you are, you obviously don’t know yourself.”
3. “To know things is to be learned. To know others is to be wise. To know self is to be enlightened.”
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5. “If you want a perfect world, get rid of the people.”
6. “Pain is the process of the craft entering into the apprentice.”
7. “I am the sower and the sown.”

My morning meditation practice does not indicate one who is highly disciplined. I allow it to slide to 2 pm some days. The time I sit changes. I answer the telephone. Some days I light candles and incense and chant. Other days I am quiet. Most frequently my meditation turns to a check of my body and my spirit and I find that I carry much sorrow. Instead of trying to run from it, I face it.

What I have observed over the last year and a half is that my shock, my denial of my situation was like one who was awakened from a dream. All that I knew to be my reality is gone. My mirrors had shattered around me, leaving me in darkness. It was a death; a sudden death of the type that you expect to wake up and find it to be untrue.

I pushed myself to get a job, to work, to do that which needed to be done. Moving through the tunnel felt like progress. But there was no joy.

Sitting meditation has helped me to find ways to be more loving and have more compassion for myself. When the negative voice begins, I could say you have done the best you knew how to do. There is no going back. Both the mistakes and the memories are gone. It is best to leave it all behind.

Sitting meditation allows me to make minute changes to my patterns of thought. The urge for control, for activity, for validation from others, for perfectionistic performances all surface. I observed the yearning to be a good girl, to please others in an attempt to prove that I am loveable.

I sit with it: it sits with me.

Right now, I can only be thankful to the friends who make contact with me. Right now, I can only ask why I have made such painful mistakes in my life choices. And I ask the universe to forgive me. I ask that I forgive myself.

But it is time to find another way to be. I pray for guidance. And I say thank you for all that I learn.

We are darkness, light and angers dance.

My goal is no longer self-improvement and has become self-acceptance. This is the Map. You are here.

Going Cold Turkey

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Intellectually I know that my addictions swath me in a cocoon of numbness. But during this last period from August 17th on I have had all of my default survival skills stripped from me.

shadows, silver water mirrors the sky


First my issues of abandonment and being unloveable surfaced big time when my marriage collapsed because of basic bedrock trust betrayal. Working my way through the depression of the separation from one who I believed to be my best friend and love of my life was difficult. I was surrounded by loving friends and went into counseling to work on my issues. Going to Gabor Mate’s retreat in Victoria moved me forward rapidly.
However, on August 17th I had my bunion removed and that entailed restructuring the big toe joint on my right toe. Not being able to walk at all, struggling with what I call stoned crutching ( taking oxycondon for pain) and being unable to drive was difficult.
So the universe has seen fit to strip me of relationship addiction, of work addiction and of the distraction of shopping. How have I fared through this process? Try to guess!!

darkness is an edge and so is sunrise


I have had to face a deep depression. Looking down into the pain that I have carried from childhood is not easy. But I have been sitting with my pain. Because actually, what choice do I have now? Alone each day in my house with the struggle of getting from room to room, I know that it won’t be until September 6th when the stitches come out that I can stabilize myself. Once I can put my heel down, I anticipate greater freedom of movement.
So I sit with it, as Thich Nhat Han recommends and hold my sorrow close to me. I did all that I knew how to do. I worked furiously hard only to be set back financially to when I was in my 40’s. I loved full heartedly in the only way I knew how to love. But I did not care for myself enough. I awake each day with passion for life and sit here now without a sense of calling. I know this is a time of growth. The addictions are stripped away. It is like tearing up the floor boards and seeing that the grief monsters are underneath. And so I cry and grieve once again for those things I have brought into my life because I was too blind to see. I own it all. Studying the inevitable arch of attraction I know that I have indeed authored all that is happening to me. But it doesn’t make the grief any less real, or bitter.
Today I wrote a poem. I worked my new software, I talked to friends. I am doing all I know to do to work with this period of loss. And I am also sitting with it as if it were a baby. I hold my grief close and speak to it. It will get better I say. It will get better. Talking, Time and Tears will help.
Becalmed
I have survived these losses
to the storms, black weather,
sharp rocks scarring deep the very form of me.
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with no sense of place or shore.
The harbors that I found were
unsafe havens, jagged rock bound traps
because I could not judge my depth.
I sit in mists of my own making
unable to discern the line of land.
The ship of self crying out the question
“,which way home,” returns
an echoed sound
unheard in gray, vast emptiness.

Rededication Reboot

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Every once in a while, I fall off the depression wagon. Yesterday was one of those days. My neighbour phoned only five hours after I got to sleep, then a friend dropped by. The entire day I was in my bathrobe with no make up on. I ate ice cream, I ate watermelon and I watched a year of Better Off Ted on Netflix.
Knowing the foot surgery is next week and anticipating weeks of inactivity, I feel stalled. What can I start? Not much.

So today I begin again. I have the gift of obsession so once things become ritualistic, I am part of the habit. It is mindless and unnoticed. Making my bed, caring for my plants, mowing the lawn, laundry, cleaning, weighing myself each morning, flossing… so many hundreds of rituals of self care and caring for the environment are instilled in my psyche.
However, I have also patterned a habit of grief. When someone asks me where I have gone or who I see, I feel black emptiness. “No. I am not finding anyone.” My response brings with it so much emotion.
Whom can I trust? If I can be duped for over a decade about the most basic of issues in intimacy, can I trust myself? Always, my mind runs back to that.
So what I am beginning to understand is that I am isolating myself in an effort to protect myself from negative associations. And how is that working?
My spirits are lighter when I am with people. I enjoy walking along the river and seeing families. But the feeling of being outside, excluded and disembodied is the stage of grief I am working through at the present time.
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It has been 19 months since I discovered the last straw and had the strength to end the fantasy relationship. Now I am finding that intentions do not overcome inertia. Only momentum overcomes inertia.
I need a direction. I need a calling. Habits of spiritual growth need to be strengthened. The necessity of sitting meditation every day is foremost in my intention to change my mindset and to become a stronger person.
The Nike magazine ad is posted all over my house…”Make Yourself Stronger.” That is my goal. And sometimes that means realizing that I need to spend a day crying for lost dreams, sometimes I need to be angry that I got off the rails 18 years ago and made a bad choice and sometimes it means I need to just lay down in my bathrobe, watch Better Off Ted and eat ice cream.
When the Shaw Cable Interview rotated on TV yesterday, I could see the sadness was still around me. It also refocused me to pay attention to the back of my hair. Sometimes it is not always what we can see that needs taken care of. Sometimes we need a 180 view of ourselves to understand in greater depth. So while I was having my off day or day off, I watched my self time after time. I watched my video clip and observed my self talk. What I needed to do, what I should have done, what if. But basically, I worked myself up to a state of self-compassion. I wanted to say to myself, “It will be alright. It will get better.”
http_www.shaw.ca_ShawTV_Kelowna_
Watching my mind fascinates me. I am saying to myself, “Come on. Give me a break. I am after all only human.” But I also know that re-dedicating myself to my central goal of being a more centred human being means discipline. So I take out my list, go back to training myself. But first, I need a cup of coffee.

Remember to Dance

Learning the Interior Map

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It was fascinating for me to observe myself this past week. With all of the progress I have made in self-discovery, with meditative practice and setting intention, I fell off of the wagon.
For two days I felt sad, depressed and while I was working full- out on those things that needed to be completed, I was crying. What is it that is said, “Crying for all my lost days.” The sense of heaviness in my heart was so great that I actually saw a vision of my heart as a large, black boulder. The list was being dissolved. I was moving through doing that which I intended to do. However, I was dragging my spirit along behind me forcefully.

Om Mani Padme Hum

On the third day, the pain in my wrists, head and back manifested. Was this because I was depressed and ,therefore, more open to viruses? I don’t know. However, I immediately went into coping mode. I headed out to buy sugary drinks and a giant cookie. I rented videos to distract me. I holed up in the dark living room.
Leaving behind meditation practice, working out and connecting to friends, left me deep into the coping mechanisms that had worked out…. not at all… in the past. After a day of couch- floating, the pain grew more and more intense. I suddenly got the message. My son had visited me five days previously and he was getting sick. I was sick. Fever for two nights, racking back pain and sick to my stomach.
So now what most interests me is the question:Did I get sick because my defenses were down due to a negative mind-set or did I take the on- slaught of virus and interpret it as depression?

Was the pattern of old mind, of disaster mind so ingrained in me that because I was sluggish, unwell and fighting off a virus, I immediately attributed that to emotional pain.
Well that is fascinating!!! If my meditation practice were to do something for me, I understand that I should have not avoided sitting. It was a time to sit and experience all that was going on in my body and to release the emotional turmoil around it. “You feel like shit. Oh yes you do.”However, just let that be and experience it.
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eye of the storm

Also, running toward sugar and movies. That will fix everything. Just a hit of this and a hit of that. What about going for a walk or calling my daughter? No can’t do that!
So the ego waits to find situations whereby it can act out. Things are so bad you “need” this. The world sucks so you “deserve” that.
In addition, I am wondering if watching all of the videos of the Tsunami and world upheaval has not affected a change in my energy. I like to be informed. But, I am a sensitive. After enough years on this planet, I know this to be true.
I am not just sympathetic, I am empathetic. Once when my brother fell out of the car and broke his collar bone, we took him to the hospital. While he was in being examined, I cried and cried. My parents asked what was wrong. I told them I hurt. My shoulder hurt where he was injured and it was intense. It was not sympathy. I was experiencing his pain.
So what are the lessons… oh for Pete sake… again. Take care of the body. Sit meditation to connect to the body. Seek ways to be joyous that are healthy. Stay close to loving friends. And, lastly, allow yourself to make mistakes without judging or condemning yourself. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. Buddha tells us that we have many life times for this work. And that is a good thing.
May your day be full of love

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