Defriends and New Friends

Losing a friend on facebook always makes me sad. I go through the same kind of self questioning that I do in real life. I ask, “What did I do wrong? How did I fail that person as a friend? What can I do to make it up?”

wanting to be validated

Basically, I am very sensitive to criticism and reluctant to alienate anyone. However, there is the warrior woman in me and I can be very judgemental. My habit of self-criticism and criticism of others I think is so strong that it must have been with me many life times. Combined with a hyper-sensitivity to incursions to my boundaries, it is a wicked combination.

In the last two years, I have become much better about resisting the urge to step up to some poor unsuspecting schmuck and shove the golden fish oil solution to his or her problem between the still moving lips. Forcing choices upon others does not help them or me. It is like a feudal lord riding into another’s territory and rewriting the laws of that country. It is high handed, unasked for and, basically, arrogant.

Wanting to be right, wanting to be perfect, wanting to be loved are all deeply motivating energies. The problem is they are mutually exclusive. I have been guilty of knowing what is best for others most of my life. And damned if they don’t thank me for it!

Don’t get me “wrong” (excuse the side laughter here), I frequently see much of what others don’t see. When I first heard of the aids virus in the ’70’s I cried. I knew what it meant. I could see clearly in my mind’s eye the devastation that the disease would wreck upon the entire population. In that moment, the vision appeared to me.

When I went to work, others called me ridiculous, alarmist and dismissed my reaction.

So often, I can see the trajectory of a political action, or a personal decision. However, having that vision is isolating. When you look at another person and say, “Watch out,” you are basically treating him or her like a child.

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So in this tangle of wanting to be seen as one whose vision can be trusted, I end up leaving the act of having myself validated to out side forces. Yes, I was correct about the aids virus, about Nixon, about the rise of alcoholism and many other things. So do I speak out, offer advice, stand up in the room where others do not speak my language and still expect them to love me?

My born again friends won’t like my Tarot readings. My passive, spiritual friends won’t like my political postings. My non-consumerist friends won’t like my loving fashionista publishing.

being strong means taking risks

I can criticize myself for not being perfect in a universe where all times exist simultaneously and my alternative selves are living in a slice of reality just on each side of me. But what would be the point?

Trying to figure out what my body is registering; trying to stay in the present moment; trying to be kind to my fragility in insecurity is all I can really focus upon. Being authentic, speaking out when I feel it is important to my own self-respect to offer witness; staying out of other people’s boundaries as I find my own personal territory takes self compassion. I am an infant. I fall. I hit my head. I lose balance. I want everyone to love me and respect my opinion. I want to be right.

But these desires are unachievable. I will be defriended. Finding out who I am and what my truth is will mean alienating others at times. It will also bring people to me who are also openly falling, losing balance and smacking their own heads. People who are not afraid to say, “I am learning how to walk on this earth. I am learning how to be.”

Being open is the only strategy that has worked for me. And sometimes it can be lonely.

Learning the Interior Map

It was fascinating for me to observe myself this past week. With all of the progress I have made in self-discovery, with meditative practice and setting intention, I fell off of the wagon.
For two days I felt sad, depressed and while I was working full- out on those things that needed to be completed, I was crying. What is it that is said, “Crying for all my lost days.” The sense of heaviness in my heart was so great that I actually saw a vision of my heart as a large, black boulder. The list was being dissolved. I was moving through doing that which I intended to do. However, I was dragging my spirit along behind me forcefully.

Om Mani Padme Hum

On the third day, the pain in my wrists, head and back manifested. Was this because I was depressed and ,therefore, more open to viruses? I don’t know. However, I immediately went into coping mode. I headed out to buy sugary drinks and a giant cookie. I rented videos to distract me. I holed up in the dark living room.
Leaving behind meditation practice, working out and connecting to friends, left me deep into the coping mechanisms that had worked out…. not at all… in the past. After a day of couch- floating, the pain grew more and more intense. I suddenly got the message. My son had visited me five days previously and he was getting sick. I was sick. Fever for two nights, racking back pain and sick to my stomach.
So now what most interests me is the question:Did I get sick because my defenses were down due to a negative mind-set or did I take the on- slaught of virus and interpret it as depression?

Was the pattern of old mind, of disaster mind so ingrained in me that because I was sluggish, unwell and fighting off a virus, I immediately attributed that to emotional pain.
Well that is fascinating!!! If my meditation practice were to do something for me, I understand that I should have not avoided sitting. It was a time to sit and experience all that was going on in my body and to release the emotional turmoil around it. “You feel like shit. Oh yes you do.”However, just let that be and experience it.
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eye of the storm

Also, running toward sugar and movies. That will fix everything. Just a hit of this and a hit of that. What about going for a walk or calling my daughter? No can’t do that!
So the ego waits to find situations whereby it can act out. Things are so bad you “need” this. The world sucks so you “deserve” that.
In addition, I am wondering if watching all of the videos of the Tsunami and world upheaval has not affected a change in my energy. I like to be informed. But, I am a sensitive. After enough years on this planet, I know this to be true.
I am not just sympathetic, I am empathetic. Once when my brother fell out of the car and broke his collar bone, we took him to the hospital. While he was in being examined, I cried and cried. My parents asked what was wrong. I told them I hurt. My shoulder hurt where he was injured and it was intense. It was not sympathy. I was experiencing his pain.
So what are the lessons… oh for Pete sake… again. Take care of the body. Sit meditation to connect to the body. Seek ways to be joyous that are healthy. Stay close to loving friends. And, lastly, allow yourself to make mistakes without judging or condemning yourself. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. Buddha tells us that we have many life times for this work. And that is a good thing.
May your day be full of love

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