Snow the wind-freezing hands and fingers ice cycle in and out of pockets. The urge to shut down, shut up, withdraw is strong. But soon the lawn will be exposing itself and the dead sticks will need to be clipped so new shoots can begin.

For now, it is about self-discipline. Inside my studio the papers like snow, receipt, receipt, receipt falling to my ankles on the floor as I enter the red line reality of my last year. Keeping track of what I spent is not something I do willingly. Ten years of working every day and there is no turn in the road. The view is clearly backward.

detail of a painting I did as a donation for Gallery Vertigo

How much better it is to tell myself that I am moving to the where of somewhere. Knowing that I am working 12 hours a day, choosing not to drive the car to have a coffee, not going to the thrift store, not reading a magazine at the book store so that I can get to the where of somewhere. And then this. The irrefutable records of loss.

Each sale only a fraction of what was expended. The sales months apart. I have the words to warm my heart. I have the words of “Beautiful. Love it. Amazing. Genius. Genius. Genius.” And yet I break our couples’ backs. What if…. the questions arising. What if I did not try so hard? What if I did not work on learning the edge of the brush, the filter treatment, the flow of line? What if I lunched and pampered and read and traveled for something besides to show my art?
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The questions arise; the faces of columns asking me why. And all I can answer is that I cannot help it. The work calls me.

reaching for connection

How do I turn what I so highly value into something that is valued by others?

The words are sweet but are a fantasy, offering neither light nor heat.