My new habit installation process is going fairly well. I am only allowing myself renovation in three “rooms” of deeply internalized sites at a time. I am on day 13 of the hypnosis programme on You Tube for removing childhood shame. I continue to work out using weights or stretching every day with the goal of recovering the facility I lost when I was sidelined with a broken wrist. And I have written some form of self expression every day.

Find a Perch

It is interesting to see what the mind does as I repeat the same You Tube self hypnosis every day. A particular expression of words will appear like a whale head out of the ocean. Was that there before? Could I have just sailed past that formation and not seen nor heard it? Absolutely. We hear what we are ready to hear and disregard the rest.

It was on day ten that I heard, “Respect the programming.” It is what Eckhart Tolle says when he encourages us not to resist or do battle with the ego. What I have laid down in my neurological patterning must be seen, respected and allowed. That is the only way to shift it. So today I heard that I was working on “bringing in a higher consciousness” and not wrestling in the mud with Gollum.

keeping the goal of strong body

I had a particularly interesting day with my coach at the Y yesterday. I could feel the under tow of self anger, the siren call of failure on the wind, the swooping down of the seagulls of despair wanting to pick out my eyes. “Holy shit,” I said to myself, “you are a wreck. You are an old ship wrecked on the shore of age.”

When she asked me to simply contract my abdominals to lift my butt, nothing happened. Then she said, “Let me help you.” She lifted me up and as soon as she let go I caved in again. She could feel that I had NO muscle in that area.

So we went back to doing the easiest possible strengthening possible. I had to push back hard mentally. I wanted to make self deprecating comments in a humourous manner. The old reliable strategy of let me stab myself before you do it to me.
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But I didn’t. And I didn’t allow myself to feel lesser than. The temptation was many layered. I am lesser than I used to be. I am lesser than you expect of me. I am lesser than the others around me in the gym. I need to go home and hide my weakness.

Seeing oneself

Nope. I didn’t do that either. I just did the stretches she set up for me yesterday and today.

So the entire exercise of growing in life comes down to trusting the universe and trusting the future. If I keep my three promises to myself, I will improve.

I liken it to shooting an arrow while blindfolded into a landscape I have never seen.

Something is bound to happen.