The balance toward lofty goals and maintaining the foot hold on the place on the side of the rocky mountain side is always the issue. I cannot move further, level up, grab the next hand hold, slide my foot into the new foothold unless I am secure in the purchase I have now found.

The pause, the breath, the settling fully into place is something contemporary society does not honor. We are taught, I was taught that only activity and pushing oneself was a sign of strength.

But mountain climbers, rock face climbers, athletes of all disciplines know that it is in the resting that the readjusting takes place. To sit meditation is not a turning away from activity. It is a time to clear the mind to see what activity is in fact going to grow the spirit.

I struggle with my mind programming which tells me more is better. It tells me that moving through space is somehow creating something. As I was lifting the space heater today because for some mysterious reason the gas furnace has stopped producing heat, I felt the urge to hurry.

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I thought, “Isn’t this curious. My anxiety about the furnace is causing adrenalin and the urge to move faster.”

I took a breath and spoke to myself in my mind. “Pick up each heater slowly and mindfully. The amount of time it takes you to get the heaters in the house will not change whatever ails the furnace.”

Looking with clear eyes at how weak and ineffective I feel when systems fail was important. It is not my skill to repair failing furnaces or washing machines or a list I could scroll out like the strip of paper on the old adding machines which would then turn round itself into a delightful pile of paper curls.

Things that I did which I could not do before: I removed the thermostat cover and replaced the batteries. Victory. I reset the clock on the thermostat. Victory. I punched off the programmed low heat. Victory. I flipped a mysterious switch on the furnace. Victory and nothing. Nope I got no response.

So I will phone someone who charges by the number of revolutions their tires spin as they head toward me. It is not the kind of magic or power or understanding that I can speak to. I have no language with machines. I fail them or they fail me.

Right now, apparently, the universe is asking me to focus on maintaining.