The sun is showing me the winter dust layered on my windows. What was obstructed was not clear to me. What I could not see clearly was not shown to me, until the light came.

There is process in our hours. We learn a bit and think it is all. This is enough. I am correct. I am perfectly in control of how the universe presents itself. And with this smug knowing, we think we are infallible. The goal is to be fool proof. Why? What single person on the earth has survived the onslaughts of illness, and death by being right. Perfection is the armour. Knowing is the shield. And knowing more than others guarantees a higher status and greater strength.

When I feel immortal enough, I stop. I pause. I relax into what it is I think it is. I lay back on the plumped up pillows of smug and eat the jade green grapes filled with sugary delight.

Until the sun shines through it all and I see the smudged lense.

A few days ago, I went to a movie. And while I was wading waiting through the previews or tantalizing marketing onslaught, I looked at my phone. Later that night, I realized I no longer had my phone.

My story that I croon myself to sleep with and wake myself up to and dance through the day to is that I am not a joiner, herd animal who seeks to be in the company of others in an attempt to feel that I am somehow more substantial. As is the case with most contemplative introverts, I feel more solidly myself when I am alone in a quiet environment.

But I have no phone! I have lost my phone.

And here is when the light shines in. Playing in the background of my life lounge is the message, distant and soft sounding, that I need to choose a reaction. I am not reacting. Yet. I am simply sifting through the possible reactions.

I pick up worst case scenario. My phone is gone forever. I must buy out my contract and get a new phone. So I dress it up like I used to dress up my dolls. Oh the new phone will be better, more useful, fancier. So I put down that choice and let it go. I have worked through how that pathway will not lead to anxiety.

I mosey over to the next choice. It is simply stuck in the seat at the movie theatre. I will go and retrieve it. But I remove all of the adrenaline around that decision. I will do it later, calmly. When it suits me I will go look for it.

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The young girl at the theatre lifts the chair I was in… (because the chair will not open as it should) and the phone is not under it. Then I learn about Find My Device on Google and it shows me it IS at the movie theatre.

Emotionally there is a journey. I want to indulge in a sense of loss. Why? Can I envision my life without an Iphone? When did I become so attached to it? Am I just another Iphone app? Me. My life. My thoughts. My habits just another download on the phone I carry?

The phone was at the counter and I got it back. I immediately felt like I had been given a gift of $687 which was the buy out on my contract. Yes. I am that enthralled. I immediately see it as a sudden unexpected financial gift instead of a lack of focus and concentration. And then I see myself seeing through a cloud. I observe myself reacting as if I just got a gift and it causes me to laugh out loud.

So I realize I need to do some work. I need to clear my windows to let the light shine through. Learning how dependent I am on a device so that it in fact owns me, has been important. I say this as I write on my computer. (Room for a laughter here as well.)

But I also see how my mindfulness practice has allowed me to choose my reactions. Not once did I take myself out to the centre of the “existence of self town” and pillory myself so I could throw rotten vegetables and the occasional rock at my head.

The entire two days of being bereft of my device, I was aware of what addiction looks like. It is what happens for me now because I have trained myself to ask, “What am I supposed to learn?”

As I look at the powdered sugar coating of winter dirt on everything, I know it is natural and normal to accumulate the blurring of perception. And cleaning my lense is a continual necessity. Meditation is the calm centre of my life and it gives me a place to retreat into so that I can reset my thinking. I am very grateful.

Oh, and I went to the mall and bought a sexy off the shoulder red blouse for “finding” so much money.