It has been an extended period of floating in deep, black space since I last posted. COVID came and I retreated to my tower of a bedroom high above the street. I was at first afraid. My cohort were dying off at a higher rate than any other ages so I only walked alone at night while wearing a mask.

And then the vaccine came and I gradually felt more assured that I would survive. But still I was reluctant to go into crowds or be around others. The habit of the hermit imprinted on my behavior.

I was happy to be able to go for long, extended walks under the trees and watch my neighbourhood shift through seasons. And then my world became a prison of pain. My hip failed. The joint refused to slide easily. Bone on bone with my padding sent me into months of pain. Each step was punishment.

asking the universe

The presence of COVID rising and falling out side my door, and the inability to move easily kept me isolated. Each day I sent out wishes for the prince charming surgeon to call me and invite me to the hospital to get a new hip installed.

So much has happened. Nothing has happened. I have been sitting with my thoughts trying to stay in a place of calm acceptance. It has been a difficult, challenging time. I have yearned for human closeness. I have experienced the cold howling wind without comfort of company.

I have given in to the distraction and addiction of streaming services. My life is not satisfying so I am a voyeur watching other’s narratives unfold. It has kept me numbed out and helped erase the heavy weight of time that spreads out in front of me as empty as an ocean, a desert, an arctic snowscape.

My victories are miniscule. Did I sleep? Did I eat mindfully? Did I engage in my meditation practice?

I have received recognition for my writing in two local festivals and that is a great pleasure. I have coached thirty clients to help them through the challenges of this chaotic time. And every day I have sought out the wisdom of teachers to expand my knowledge of the human condition.

To live without knowing, is the new normal. I wait. I visualize the life beyond when I can walk easily and move through the world again. I do the best I can.