Okay, I know. I know theoretically that the people who trigger me the most are exhibiting exactly what my darkest hearted, shadow, vain, nasty self is deep in the bottom of the unseen pit of me. I know.

But I guess it is time… or so the universe seems to think…. for me to do some sustained mirror work. Recently, I left a group feeling like my aura had been MMA attacked. I was confused. My heart rate had increased. My breathing had become shallow as I watched a person take over the space in a meeting.

Learning

My story came up. The little girl that could not attract attention; the teenager standing in the darkness edged gym during a school dance; the quick minded graduate student who carried the burden of daring to be female… oh they were all in the chair with me. We crowded in on one another.

Then I remember what Sandon a Buddhist Monk told me once. He said coming into a space and filling it with your energy is sheer ego. One must be aware of every single person in a room. And as I was driving away with his advice in my head, I thought of a pizza. I though of each person radiating presence in a section of the room and to insist that all of those pieces was mine would be the same as if I ate their pizza slices in my hunger for recognition.

I was ravenous for all of the attention I could get.

trusting my guides

I can be pretty simple minded at times. And turning to metaphors helps me incorporate a lesson.

So as I thought about the feelings that arose in me, I began to deconstruct the narrative from my past. I always go to the question, “What are you supposed to learn from this.”

What I did know was I was seeing my shadow self. What I was seeing was my way of dismissing others’ experiences because I think I have a higher IQ, or because I am constantly studying and have access to medical studies, or because I have a channel that can show me things that others don’t understand. And that is all just platinum plated bull shit.

What I know for sure is the greatest damage we do to one another is when we try to be right. To dismiss another’s feelings; to denigrate other’s point of view; to deny other people their right to feel a certain way is bull dozing. It is clear cutting. It is dropping agent orange all over the landscape. And it is the biggest problem in today’s world.

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That is what the Buddhist nuns in the Yitang temple in Kelowna taught me as we wound snake like between the seats under the gigantic golden Buddha. You touch the earth. You take a step. And then you stop. You stand in one place so that you can realize your self. You become still so you can feel the earth and your foot connect. You remain quiet so you can feel the still and loving presence of other people around you.

It isn’t about the marching forward. The purpose is not to be right, to be correct, to force others to recognize your superiority. The purpose is to truly experience your own emotions;  the way you love in the world; the ultimate purpose is to not be afraid. There is no scarcity.

And sometimes in my darkest days I think of my scarcity collection as being a hobby for me. I keep gathering thoughts of not enough. Time is running out. Money is never enough. Friendships are scarce. Everything. Everything. Everything. It is all in a safe locked down from me in some gated community.

It is in that Shadow place that the urge to be correct comes from. My arrogance is simply a failure to believe in myself.

Finding a way to move in the world means constantly trying to understand who I am and what I ultimately want for other people. It is not without hazard.

I pushed away the urge to find someone to verify my experience. Why do I need that? I can validate that by just checking my body. I pushed away the urge to blame the another person for being unaware. I know damn well that being unaware comes with being a human. But the biggest lesson was how the experience triggered competitiveness within me.

And so as I drove away, I said to myself, “You have your work cut out for you, Chicky.”  Man, I need to love this me no matter how confusing she is.

The last piece of the lesson is always to thank the lesson and the teacher. But it is like thanking the dentist for a root canal. Muscle up buttercup.

“You have plenty of time,” I remind myself.