I spend each morning with teachers, books, YouTube, Gaia and continue to absorb information. Frequently, it seems like a visit to Bed Bath and Beyond and seeing a new device I had never imagined previously.

“Oh,” I think, “that would make cooking easier.”

My path in years past was about stubbornness, refusal to adjust my steps, following the only map I had access to without stopping to sit and ask, “What am I not seeing?”

The last year has been a time of stripping away. Because my hip joint has failed, the simplest physical effort has to be executed like I am climbing a rock face. To get out of bed, I talk my way through the actions of my legs, the alignment of my knees, the seeking security in my feet for the great push upwards. If I try to ‘accomplish’ tasks physically, I may well find myself down on my carefully constructed incline of pillows until I recover.

I am in a state of struggle with the frequent feeling of being overwhelmed by pain. I float hopelessly depleted with the ache, lost to who I once was, grieving for the time of excitement for the hunt after the forms of success that I could capture and bring home.

Now, I repeatedly say to myself, “trust.”
It has become a prayer.

I am careful with every movement. I am delicate with my thoughts. It would be so easy to turn on myself and screech like a harridan at this creature I have become.

“When will my life begin again?” I ask myself.

almost done

I have been so depleted that I no longer have dreams. I suppose because a stretch of sleep is so hard to enter with the joint firing sirens of pain, I am reluctant to use it up in mere visions.

I imagined a figure stroking my hair once when I fell asleep on the couch. She touched me with such gentle love that I felt it through my entire body.
When I woke up, I thanked her and I thanked myself for seeing comfort rather than following the path of anger or frustration.

One thing I have had fall on me like a boulder suddenly appearing on the road in front of my car, is the realization that I cannot know what happens next. The truth I am facing is that the old rewards that programmed me are not available and it is up to me to understand. It is up to me to grow up.

“What are you doing?” I frequently ask myself and my answer is ,” staying calm.”

It is a skill not recognized in the old, dark ages of work addiction and outside validation. It is a prowess that creates strength within me.

Allow now

What is next? Where am I going? What project should I devote myself to?
These questions are no longer relevant. I am too tired to close my mind around them. There is no space for this doom scrolling on my screen.

To stay in the present moment takes a mage’s skill.
I have come to understand that surrender is the opposite of defeat.