The past three years I have been secluded, taken the veil, married the Christ of chastity and solemnly withdrawn into my own cave of unasked for lessons. I have developed patience with not having patience. I have learned how to move my cursor from shock and anger/awe at other people’s choices and responses to a softer reaction. I have learned to live with absolute silence day after day so great that even the songs that my refrigerator sings are important in my ambience of reality, my projected biography.

self contained

I ask the question: Was this period of time absolutely necessary, was my reaction to the changing world a revelation, was my resultant mindfulness practice pre-ordained?

And I think it is a tremendous sign of my growth that I can answer firmly: “I have no fucking clue.”

I think of the Tarot’s fool card depicting him just stepping off into the unrevealed with his happy dog beside him and a few necessary provisions tied to the stick over his shoulder.

Everything and nothing

Today, I am three days living after a tooth implant. I was unusually nervous as I walked to the oral surgeons office so I had a self interview. I find that emotions are clarified if I show up with a microphone and ask myself questions. Listening to the answers is a skill.

“Why are you vibrating with a flood of energy?” I asked myself.

Usually, I am very calm during procedures. I trust the medical practitioner: I trust my body: I trust that the universe holds me in love. But this day, I was slightly triggered.

My answer came quietly. “My hip hurts.”

I have had chronic pain in the failed joint since October and it has been a challenge. And so I forgave myself for telling myself that I was a victim of pain, a victim of my body.

As soon as I called in my guides and angels I settled the hell down. And today, I am three days living after a tooth implant. I surprised those doing the gum surgery with the fact I scarcely bled at all. I had no pain. I slept peacefully for 8 hours last night.

training the mind

But the surprising part of this voyeurism that I indulge in upon my own psyche is that I feel like I have landed like Harrison Ford in the Raiders of the Lost Arch ‘ping’ off of a cliff onto the rock bridge below leading to ‘the other side.’ I felt that I had pushed through challenge after challenge that would not be understood by the public at large, however large that still is in today’s fractured Gregore.

I have a story I tell myself and I hold it up to the light to see how negative it can be. I have won prizes in three local writing conference competitions. I have not thrown arrow-of -death words at others when I drive. I have fed myself well and made good choices. (Well, there was that pile of mashed potatoes but I won’t talk about that.)

September is surgery month. I have gotten my implant moved forward and down into my gums. And at the end of the month I am having my pull up balloon curtain eye lids remodelled so I can see and be seen more easily.

But most surprising of all for me today is the sense that the anesthetic numbness I have felt since 2020 is wearing off. I feel like my vision is clearer. It is as if the path that I cannot and have not been able to see is under my feet again.

The smack up side the head is necessary sometimes to get some energy flowing.

Do I feel certain of what is next? oh, hell no. But I am signing up for it without reading the contract.

Quo Vadis