New year, New leash on life… not lease

As one on some kind of rocky path of self discovery, most of what I have been aware of during my plunge into the new year is the necessity for discipline. Okay. So I am sixty-six. Basically what have I learned through walking between the smoldering ruins of several still burning lives/lies is that it takes discipline to live well.
The lies I tell myself in order to remain in happy, delusional dream-head state don’t disappear over night. Not even a year of crying in my dark state of betrayal and shattered love have been enough to “wake me up.” But what does work is sitting. The green reading chair that my ex found one day as we were walking down the street was sitting on a neighbour’s lawn. It said, “Take me.” So we did. I laughed all the way home walking behind the legs with the chair head.
Little did I know at that time that the legs would move on to explore fantasies of pleasure while I would find my grounding by putting my butt down into that chair and just watching my mind create reasons to avoid the truths of my life.
It is like having cod liver oil in the refrigerator. Does no good at all to imagine swallowing the oily or bitter lesson. One has to actually pour it out and take it in.
So since October I have been fairly rigorous with myself in sitting in silence. Fascinating as it is to watch my mind weave and duck the issues that have presented in my life, it is also something of courage to take up the task of trying to be honest.
What I know now is that because of my experience of having a tri-addicted father who was allowed power over our household because he was “sick” and needed the support of my mother, I have repeated the pattern. What I know now is that if your husband isn’t just beside himself with joy about your first anniversary and instead chooses to go out drinking with buddies… well this is not a good sign.
Yes. Most would have seen the signs and stopped the madness. But for me it is about taking the time to get to know myself and to learn that there is so much that I have allowed in my life which is toxic and unloving.
The difficulties that most of us inflict on ourselves in life is ironically because of the yearning to be happy. So we exchange the pursuit of happiness for the stringent learning that portends the presence of deeply held peace. Everyone alive is trying to be happy. But in a clumsy, unpracticed person’s life the damage that is inflicted on self and on others in the name of “happiness” is tragic.
Without self knowledge, we just rebind ourselves to the original pain. The ego grows larger and begins to consume the core being that could be a source of light.
It is really hard work, to sit. And the leash that must be kept on the habits of pain has to be gently worn so that ego is dissolved. It is not a battle; it is a loving discipline.