Today I went to the hospital and got my bandages cut off and the ends of the stitches snipped. The rest of the stitches are supposed to absorb into my body over time. A four year old little boy was in the cubicle next to me and when he had his cast cut off he began to scream in terror. Whether it was the saw or physical pain that triggered him, he was in deep distress. What made it more marked was that previous to the removal of the cast he had been very happily playing with his toy trucks, enjoying the company of his parents.
The parents pulled out a book and tried to distract the boy from his situation. Their voices were urgently pulling his focus away from the fear and anxiety he was feeling. I thought to myself how helpful it would have been for the small boy to have meditative or self calming practice.
The doctor came to me next and quickly dealt with my x-ray, asked the nurse to remove the bandages and snipped my knots off. So now I can have a shower and put my heel down.
It will be three more weeks and after another x-ray I can put my entire foot down. Walking for two weeks is required before driving.
Apparently, the fear of applying pressure to the foot can interfere with safely applying the break. Therefore, the recommendation is that the bunion operation “survivor” be secure in the use of the toe.
So I have another three weeks of house arrest. Unlike Lindsey Lohan I don’t have raucus parties of people coming in to distract me. One thing that really concerns me is how fragile I have become. I can’t go far on my crutches without getting out of breath. It is like a reverse work out. I could hire a coach to enfeeble me and require that I lay down for weeks on end with my leg elevated.
I guess the bottom line is a lack of power in the world, or perception of power. (With my turn of mind, I know that what seems to be control is often not.)
I have been having very vivid dreams that I remember. Betrayal, dishonesty, lying around me. I dream of dragging all of the negative energy items out of my space and leaving them on the sidewalk. I am given maps I cannot read. I am abandoned in a train station by one who promised to take care of me and I wonder lost and directionless.
I know that these dreams point to a transitional period in my life. But not having the distractions of mobility, going shopping, meeting with friends is difficult. It is what needs to happen right now to move me beyond this “cinder block” of grief.
The major work I need to do is to not allow myself to stay in bitterness. I definitely do not want to move forward expecting to have my next intimate relationship be another betrayal. Letting go of anger, of grief is the work. And if I have to sit still in it, then that is what I need to do.
Clearing for a better future is what I know is my task. I pray so frequently when I feel the darkness come over my spirit. I call on my guides and angels to lift me up.
But there are times when I look at others who are married and see that no matter how much conflict arises, there is a bedrock of trust and honesty. Next time. I want that next time and I ask the universe to help me find it. To be safe in love is to be like that child: Protected and accepted.