How Do We Design A Life?

I am infused with energy today. The looming possibility the last two days of my retina detaching in my left eye as it did in my right had me plunged into an interior darkness. However, the vitreous fluid snakes moving across my field of vision have stopped their writhing presence.

floating time

The ophthalmologist, David Grimes, was wonderful. He expressed concern and told me that there was no way of predicting what would actually happen. He gave me his home phone number and informed me that he wanted me to phone no matter what time of day or night, weekend or weekday if the flashing at the periphery of my vision was accompanied by a “curtain” effect. How that manifests is a clear field but a slash of obstructed area will appear.

When I went to bed, I prayed as I normally do. I ask for healing of my foot, my eye and my heart. I ask that I no longer allow myself to settle for situations which are not healthy for me. I ask for guidance, forgiveness and lay my confused life down in the divine field.

This morning my foot was swollen and some bruising from when I fell on my face yesterday. But the area of my foot which smacked the floor was not the surgical site. I phoned my son who does in home senior’s care to ask if he would run me into the ophthalmologist should it be required. His advice cut through the flattened mental activity that comes with depression. “Mom, if the doctor said you can put your heel down to stabilize yourself, then put your heel down.” Duh.
My son’s advice still reverberating in my head, I decided to make this day a new beginning.

Because intention, re-dedication, re-comittment to a vibrant life is the only way to stay on the path.

What came to me as I stood in the shower today was how unprepared I was to give those children who were in my care all of who I am. My own chaotic, frightening childhood had driven me into work addiction and relationship addiction. The effect of that upon the three children who were in my care was that I was not fully present.

As I washed myself, I asked that I be forgiven for my misunderstanding, my human weakness. Imagining the guilt sliding down off of my body, I forgave myself. The intention I made under the flow of warm water was to learn, to move forward with a more substantial and loving heart for all of my relationships.

I have come to understand that my perfectionism is just an ego state.

So today, I begin again as we can every new day. Michael Brown’s BEING OUR COMPANION work book is next to me. My journal whereby I work through my emotions is next to me. Gabor Mate’s encouragement is freshly in my mind. And I have the tool of the Tarot deck to connect to my guides.

Having washed my hair; washed my grief and guilt down the drain; teetered out into the yard to pick blackberries and strawberries; picked four water- starved flowers for my altar I feel stronger and more capable of designing my future life.
And the first step in that life is, as always, surrender. I ask and lay my desires down into the divine field. Plan and relinquish.

Sonia Choquette and Gabor Mate both offer as advice that we let curiosity draw us forward. Ask the universe, “What lessons do you have in store for me? What will happen next?” And the way to move through change is to be fascinated by how we are changing, not resistant to losing those known structures.

So for now, I am in chrysalid state. Kind of mushy, weepy, and inclined to feel stalled. What my higher mind knows, is that I am in the tunnel. There is an opening on the other side. Enjoy the ride, I remind myself.