Off to get my venom shot. Strange that by exposing oneself to poison in small doses one can ultimately be protected from it.

Rain falls from gray whispy clouds tangled in the trees. Yesterday had moments of sun and warmth. Today looks to be firmly enwrapped in gray.

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Off for my shot. Not like a shot.

“Apparently, not everything is apparent, ” I said while spreading the bark mulch on the garden. “How can I allow myself to get away with that statement?” was the rhetorical thought. As I carefully spread the black chips and soil mounding over the ground, between the red flame tulips, my eyes were humming to themselves with delight at the heightened contrast. “Oh, No,” the soil built up like the layering of language. There was no escape. Mulch to think about.

One cannot get away from the mind, even in mindless moments.

Rain is teasing. I pick up the shed keys to go out and mow the lawn. It sprinkles. I put the key down and start to vacuum. The sun blasts in the window. I put the vacuum down and pick up the keys, the rain starts again. Nayah nayah nayah… the weather says.
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Oh well, got the beds all tucked in with petunias and pots of flowers ready for the lush heat of summer. On to the warmth of my computer screen.

This is a national geographic, documentary film that is well worth watching. The theme is the division between the past cultural constructs of the Mongolian desert peoples and the new generation that craves television. The three generations of camel and goat raising people living in their yurts are a team. Every one in the family brings value, brings a skill set to the group to make the family a viable economic and social unit. However, toward the end of the film they are setting up the satellite dish that allows television and with it the “glass images” that the grandfather warns against.

I was very aware that I was watching this on a glass surface with images of a culture eroding because of passivity and control by the forces of consumerism. The life of the isolated nomads is clearly contrasted with the vision of the children in the local “town” who wrestle with one another aimlessly in the street, or ride bicycles around in circles in the civic structure that is twice desolate because it is perched in a desolate landscape, yet disconnected from that landscape by the buildings, motorcyles and bits of cement pavement.
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It certainly gives the viewer something to ruminate upon. Sorry, watching the camels sort of got to me.

Well, it is trying out there.

Interesting to see that the poll of the day on castanet.net is stirring up the fear of Mexico. Why not a poll about “are you afraid to stay home.” Given that most accidents and injuries occur within five kilometers of a person’s home and that the bathtub is one of the most hazardous places to enter, we should never return to our domiciles. Perhaps that would make us immortal. What do you think?

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It is all about the practice. Life goes on fairly smoothly and we do not need any particular skill.

And then, suddenly white water. It is as one shoots down the rocks, as foam fills the boat that the skill from previous moments is needed. Every time I sit meditation and re dedicate myself to living patiently and with compassion, I am building in the ability to step back and watch instead of getting caught up.

But still, those moments come when life feels out of control. Peril seems imminent and others around you are grabbing onto the delusional framework and closing out the sun. It is, I tell myself, in these moments that we all grow. The work is to welcome the tension and negativity, the exclusions, the perceived slights, the slings and arrows as moments of building strength. The lessons keep coming back.

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The book Status Anxiety is a great book to read about how the games are played to ensure the illusion of power. In theatre, one of the games that we teach students is status play. There are so many subtleties that go into status games. The keeper of the keys, the exclusion of others from information, talking down, talking quickly and impatiently, talking slowly as if the other person is stupid and doesn’t understand. ( The last is one I have used all of my life to feel superior.) Verbally rolling your eyes by using sarcasm is another that many engage in.

The hardest part about being judgmental is that the main target for that constant assessing is … the self. It is like having a red pen and correcting one’s own actions ceaselessly. My intention is to leave this particular weakness behind. It is hard enough to be trying to negotiate the white water of life without having an interior voice carping and assessing about the weakness of technique. Hey, I am still in the boat and moving. Let us celebrate that.