I am infused with energy today. The looming possibility the last two days of my retina detaching in my left eye as it did in my right had me plunged into an interior darkness. However, the vitreous fluid snakes moving across my field of vision have stopped their writhing presence.

The ophthalmologist, David Grimes, was wonderful. He expressed concern and told me that there was no way of predicting what would actually happen. He gave me his home phone number and informed me that he wanted me to phone no matter what time of day or night, weekend or weekday if the flashing at the periphery of my vision was accompanied by a “curtain” effect. How that manifests is a clear field but a slash of obstructed area will appear.

When I went to bed, I prayed as I normally do. I ask for healing of my foot, my eye and my heart. I ask that I no longer allow myself to settle for situations which are not healthy for me. I ask for guidance, forgiveness and lay my confused life down in the divine field.

This morning my foot was swollen and some bruising from when I fell on my face yesterday. But the area of my foot which smacked the floor was not the surgical site. I phoned my son who does in home senior’s care to ask if he would run me into the ophthalmologist should it be required. His advice cut through the flattened mental activity that comes with depression. “Mom, if the doctor said you can put your heel down to stabilize yourself, then put your heel down.” Duh.
My son’s advice still reverberating in my head, I decided to make this day a new beginning.

Because intention, re-dedication, re-comittment to a vibrant life is the only way to stay on the path.

What came to me as I stood in the shower today was how unprepared I was to give those children who were in my care all of who I am. My own chaotic, frightening childhood had driven me into work addiction and relationship addiction. The effect of that upon the three children who were in my care was that I was not fully present.

Each and every viagra ordination abacojet.com person can actually afford these pills. Remember that viagra on line is a prescription medication that is used for the treatment of erectile dysfunction, or ED. Avoid Fast Food And Alcohol Your diet plays a major role in restoring penile function. order tadalafil http://abacojet.com/welcome-paragraph-on-home-page/ Maximizes cialis prices buying that your Intercourse timings and improve your health and life.. As I washed myself, I asked that I be forgiven for my misunderstanding, my human weakness. Imagining the guilt sliding down off of my body, I forgave myself. The intention I made under the flow of warm water was to learn, to move forward with a more substantial and loving heart for all of my relationships.

I have come to understand that my perfectionism is just an ego state.

So today, I begin again as we can every new day. Michael Brown’s BEING OUR COMPANION work book is next to me. My journal whereby I work through my emotions is next to me. Gabor Mate’s encouragement is freshly in my mind. And I have the tool of the Tarot deck to connect to my guides.

Having washed my hair; washed my grief and guilt down the drain; teetered out into the yard to pick blackberries and strawberries; picked four water- starved flowers for my altar I feel stronger and more capable of designing my future life.
And the first step in that life is, as always, surrender. I ask and lay my desires down into the divine field. Plan and relinquish.

Sonia Choquette and Gabor Mate both offer as advice that we let curiosity draw us forward. Ask the universe, “What lessons do you have in store for me? What will happen next?” And the way to move through change is to be fascinated by how we are changing, not resistant to losing those known structures.

So for now, I am in chrysalid state. Kind of mushy, weepy, and inclined to feel stalled. What my higher mind knows, is that I am in the tunnel. There is an opening on the other side. Enjoy the ride, I remind myself.

The warm sun shone upon me as I sat on the deck with my foot up. The morning had been “busy” relative to my schedule since bunion surgery. Crawling upstairs on my knees to shut off the alarm that mysteriously started beeping gave me an aerobic commencement to September 8th. I grabbed a blouse and eyed the space for any other treasure I might want to scootch back down with me.

Since I had the excitement of having a guest over, I felt it only right that I dig out the nest of detritus that had fallen from me in the living room. Doing dishes, taking out compost and recycling are fairly strenuous activities since my enfeeblement program 23 days ago. Now that I can put my heel down to balance myself I don’t end up throwing myself across a chair or a coffee table to break my fall. The tattoo line of bruises up the front of my legs is fading and my thoughts more frequently venture to “the other room” from where ever I am at the present time.

My divorce came in the mail and is official since stamped on September 2nd. My son and my daughter were thrilled. They congratulated me and encouraged me with a vision of a future life without the constant threat of the results of his impulsive actions.
I was, in a state between two floors. I felt sad for the failure of so much promise between us. We did work together well as a team. Very few people can keep up with the two of us intellectually and so it was wonderful fun just talking every day. But I am now secure that no further damage can be inflicted. The poisonous merry go round is at an end.

It made me feel good to have been strong enough to take that step. And to hop objects out of the living room so my surroundings don’t indicate that I should star in a segment of Hoarders. Is there a dead cat under that pile?

The visit with my friend was really fun. Emboldened, I saw that Gabor Mate was on skype, so I send him notice of my divorce and just a general update about my paralyzed and confused state.

And this is what I love about this world-famous doctor and therapist… he immediately send back to me the name of a teacher who could show me a way out. Gabor suggested that I go to to Michael Brown’s site and order some books.
Brown’s web page was like a treasure hunt. First I watched a series of ten you tube videos of Michael that were available. Next on his site, I downloaded three free textbooks that take the student through a series of practices.http://www.thepresenceportal.com/

Michael’s message is that ultimately, I need to take responsibility for the quality of the experiences in my life. He suggests that individuals learn to connect to his or her authentic core so that there is truth in personal experience. This process will lead to feeling peace and not to doing things in order to create peace.

Avoid giving arginine to very cialis professional effects young children. But you can never forget what you have invested. viagra cost in canada Keep in mind, penile erection requires blood flow towards the penis. cheapest levitra proved to become efficient even just in tight scenarios like large blood pressure level and can successively protect your heart and the rest of your body. Periods that does not happen on a normal basis cialis sale australia like once every month, can occur due to a lot of people. He believes that the process is to go through the physical, mental and emotional aspects of experience. The North American work ethic cheers us on to “perfect” ourselves through effort. We are encouraged to get on with it, suck it up, exert force.

Michael believes that we don’t need to keep working. He suggests that the individual just be in the emotion and have self-compassion as you are feeling. The direction I was given was to go in and look at all of the things that I have hidden within myself so I now don’t project my pain out into the world. Feeling can contain the emotional experience so that there is no acting out.

How do you know when you are well and truly IN the experience? Because it feels as if there is no end to it. You enter the emotional state, feel it in order to process it. Michael says when people feel overwhelmed and engulfed by the emotion, “We are looking at generations of fear, anger, grief for everyone in our family.” We now feel not only our own pain but the pain that has been passed down to our parents and their parents before then. There seems to be no place in the field where there is not pain.

What is the upside of doing this deep connecting work, you may well ask. When a person feels his or her own pain he or she is more stable. We are now more able to help those around us who are in grief because it does not knock us off balance. It is the feeling that is required for us to grow up.

When we look with concern at our families, Michael suggests, we see that which we would like to fix within ourselves. It is the damage that we wish to avoid and so we choose to sedate ourselves to keep from experiencing.

The way into an authentic experience is to connect with the body. Where are you feeling the emotion in your body? He suggests we continually check in. If you allow it, the emotion will transform organically.

The last section that I listened to was particularly relevant to me at this time of my life. It was about love.”Love is always only experienced in giving.” Michael like so many other spiritual teachers, suggests that you begin with yourself. He recommends the practice of looking yourself in the eyes several times a day and saying, “I really love you. I love you when you mess up. I am here for you. I will take care of you. If you are angry, I love you because you are here.”

And finally that is what I think is the deepest lesson. Why do we love ourselves? Not because we succeed or achieve more or overcome a bad habit. We love ourselves because we are alive. We are here. And we start from that. We return to that.

Today I went to the hospital and got my bandages cut off and the ends of the stitches snipped. The rest of the stitches are supposed to absorb into my body over time. A four year old little boy was in the cubicle next to me and when he had his cast cut off he began to scream in terror. Whether it was the saw or physical pain that triggered him, he was in deep distress. What made it more marked was that previous to the removal of the cast he had been very happily playing with his toy trucks, enjoying the company of his parents.

The parents pulled out a book and tried to distract the boy from his situation. Their voices were urgently pulling his focus away from the fear and anxiety he was feeling. I thought to myself how helpful it would have been for the small boy to have meditative or self calming practice.
The doctor came to me next and quickly dealt with my x-ray, asked the nurse to remove the bandages and snipped my knots off. So now I can have a shower and put my heel down.
It will be three more weeks and after another x-ray I can put my entire foot down. Walking for two weeks is required before driving.
Apparently, the fear of applying pressure to the foot can interfere with safely applying the break. Therefore, the recommendation is that the bunion operation “survivor” be secure in the use of the toe.
So I have another three weeks of house arrest. Unlike Lindsey Lohan I don’t have raucus parties of people coming in to distract me. One thing that really concerns me is how fragile I have become. I can’t go far on my crutches without getting out of breath. It is like a reverse work out. I could hire a coach to enfeeble me and require that I lay down for weeks on end with my leg elevated.
I guess the bottom line is a lack of power in the world, or perception of power. (With my turn of mind, I know that what seems to be control is often not.)
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I know that these dreams point to a transitional period in my life. But not having the distractions of mobility, going shopping, meeting with friends is difficult. It is what needs to happen right now to move me beyond this “cinder block” of grief.
The major work I need to do is to not allow myself to stay in bitterness. I definitely do not want to move forward expecting to have my next intimate relationship be another betrayal. Letting go of anger, of grief is the work. And if I have to sit still in it, then that is what I need to do.
Clearing for a better future is what I know is my task. I pray so frequently when I feel the darkness come over my spirit. I call on my guides and angels to lift me up.
But there are times when I look at others who are married and see that no matter how much conflict arises, there is a bedrock of trust and honesty. Next time. I want that next time and I ask the universe to help me find it. To be safe in love is to be like that child: Protected and accepted.