Gay Hendrick’s book The Big Leap is like a hefty, sculpted magic key. It is relatively small and fits into the hand with no effort. But the structure of it is challenging. To wield it to unlock the heart’s desire doorway requires acknowledging the survival mentality ego habits that frequently run my life. It is not an easy passage.

As I listen to the book again, I redirect my mind into the areas of greatest resistance for me. Freedom from constraints is the error illusion on one side and the habits of forced labor work addiction reside on the other. It is a wonderfully constructed pathway to confusion.

Getting clearer and clearer at how my ego works in my life, allows me to see those areas that I let fear be the conductor of my cacophony musical accompaniment. No single melody soothes me.

Anxiety about money has been in a way a gift because I have used 40% of all my income to pay down my debt. Forcing myself to develop a habit of creating freedom in my future at the cost of frivolity in my present has been rewarding. (Or so I think.)

However, the big goals… the heart’s desire goals are still floating out there on the mirage lake of my future.

trusting

I refuse to set up a schedule and stick to it. The push back is: “You were tied to a schedule for 30 years. You need to be careful of work addiction. Look how fit, healthy you are now. Your system is working.”

But the cacophony of confusion is how my ego keeps me blindly chained. It is in not knowing that I must get lost. Leaving behind control is growth: controlling actions is growth.

I never want to be in a position where I am pushing, punishing, persisting to the point that I become ill again. That particular path has been explored.

Some people second guess themselves… I have a cat’s cradle of patterned string of intertwined guessing that is brilliantly woven.

And the ego lies that most often come up are found in scarcity mindset.
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2. There is too much time. Sitting and waiting for the day, for outside influences to trigger action means that hour after hour there is the flat prairie of no visual connection.
3. Be careful or you will disappoint you, others will disappoint you. Lower your expectations and keep your small cell tidy and calm.
4. Look at you. You are more muscular, more fit, more radiant, more creative than any other 73 year old you know. Why do you have to grow more. Be content.

Oh I am so aware of the spell casting my ego has done in my life… the magical thinking… the ability to confuse myself into submission.

It is almost with admiration for my gift of confustication that I listen to the one voice become ventriloquists of chaos. At my best, I find it immensely amusing to be able to think two contradictory thoughts at the same time in order to sheep dog me into paralysis.

Strategy is important now for me. I have begun writing down what it is I did the previous day that is a break in habit and is to be celebrated. I am training myself to see what it is I actually am achieving. The patterns I intend to address are all those mastered by fear.

As you are following my blog, you can see that I am no longer hiding my challenges. Saying what I need to say is becoming easier. I will work with my therapist on my anxiety about money and my utter fear of getting into an intimate relationship again.

The biggest struggle for me is to accept my choices and to stay focused on how I am growing. I am done sending myself to my room and shutting down when I have simply been human.

Yesterday, I went out with a neighbour and had coffee and a cookie. (So shoot me!)

It was allowing. Learning how to be a friend is fairly new for me. And I am doing well. I am working out consistently and can see the muscle building in my body. My debt is down. I am writing frequently. I have learned difficult (for me) technology. I have begun to believe that my hermit/healing phase is complete and that I am up for a journey. I sit listening at the door for the knock calling me to step into the adventure.

And most of all, I am feeling the opening up of my inner space. The moments of deep peace and being at home with myself are more frequent. Gently, gently walk the path. And I know that it will bring me home to a more loving relationship with myself and all others I encounter.

Learning to allow my ego to 12 tone scale in the background without resisting or reacting, is kind of invigorating. Maybe it is just the kind of gritty energy I need for my movie.