The tension between expectations and reality are the rough ripping seam of all structures. Even the self is pulled by the threads, by our experiences in childhood. I remember in graduate school when I blurted out something I did not know about myself. “I need to be creative in order to justify my existence.”

Wow. It was like hearing some Oracle speaking through my head or a rock or a potato sitting in a basket on the counter.

Knowing from an early age that I could be killed by my supposed “protectors” honed my ability to read the room. Am I performing in a way that is valued and accepted? My emotional X-ray vision made it clear what was being demanded. The reason that I did not dissolve in good girl blandness, into a beige tapioca pudding of tasteless blandness was because I had the “rebel girl” nature as my backbone.

I can and could see what you wish I would be. I can and could understand that eating the wafer of your cult of middle class innocuousness which would dissolve upon on tongue might be my best protection. And recently as I read my newest blog to a circle of writers who told me, “You are not very nice.” I accepted the reaction.

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And why we are entrained to mumble sweetly into the latte´ without questioning  It is  because we are afraid that secretly we harbour an anger that is destructive and unbridled. The role models of ferocity and passionate truth telling stir our hearts.

I know who you want me to be. But I know my voice when it speaks true. I am here to grab the wire and connect to something risky and intense. What I am here to create is myself.

“Let me see,” says the teacher me who red penciled essays for over 30 years.” Let me see what is the length, breath, color, shape, energy, effect of this day.”

At night, I sit with the eyes of an overlooker. I am high above the hours, the landscape, the individual decisions and as I sit on the beige jutting cliff and peruse the day geography below, I try to assess. I look about me and assign meaning and value to each act.

I ask myself questions, “Was this a wise decision? Did you fulfill the goals and tasks you set up this morning? Did what you attempted today take you one step closer to the place you want to stand?”

Inevitably, my ego mind will be coyote calling to me as the sun goes down. The voice will howl out into the deepening night, “You faaaailed yourself. You were not working haaaaard enough. You could have been, should have been more or better or more ferocious in your pursuit.”

We can work to cialis vs viagra fight with the root cause that triggers the problem. However, you need to practice some discretion, since there are lots of scams and con artists on the internet. viagra online australia The Eurycoma Longifolia tree is a slender, colorful viagra brand online tree indigenous to Southeast Asia. There are some disadvantages however, generally hair loss and prostate hypertrophy. get cialis videoleadspro.com But getting up on the hillside, I realize that no matter how flat the day narrative is that lays below me, I cannot see clearly. It is impossible to assess if the one action was more effective than another. Perhaps it was by sleeping longer, by going for a short walk, by meeting somebody by chance that the new field of reality will open up and formulate itself.

An unlooked for chat with a person on facebook today gave me such clear direction and information about how I can move forward as a background actor in movies. It is a goal I hold now that I have earned my way out of the debt of my reverse dowry. It was not planned, this conversation. But it was absolutely on purpose.

So submission is sometimes the most powerful act of building a future. Staying calm and allowing the learning to come to me like a gift found on the shore. The quiet waves have brought it in to me. All I have to do is see it and bend to pick it up. Sometimes just standing is the exact correct way of being. At other times, digging in and creating skills with well honed self discipline and optimism is precisely the correct way of creating a new self.

How do I assess this day of winter darkness? Only by releasing the need to know now what it meant. The future will show me in clear sunshine the outline of the shapes of my decisions. What I am; what I am choosing; what I am becoming has to be deeply embedded in now. But it cannot be understood until the one day when the future opens.