Daily Archives: March 12, 2019

Metaphors and Visions

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When I do readings for people at the psychic fair, I often see metaphors. The person who is starting a new business, I see as someone sitting on an egg hatching it. The person who is transforming so quickly they can’t get a footing I see in a twisting wind like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. I have never met that person before and I know nothing about them. I ask them not to speak. But I know with absolute clarity what they need to understand.

The metaphors are clear images and hold the truth that the client needs to hear and so I use words to show them the vision. I trust the vision. Fifty years of being open and sharing what it is I see and hear has lead me to this place of utter confidence in the truth I am receiving.

At first, I refused to say they were “mine”. The language I used was that the channel brought them to me. That some universal knowing was filtered through me. But as I become more and more grounded in my own life, I no longer was afraid to say that I saw and heard and knew these things.

Years of semi-isolating myself, of watching my own thoughts and behaviors have made me less afraid of being judged. Years of meditation practice, of sitting silence, of chanting with Krishna Das, of chanting Buddhist prayers, of sitting Ho’onoponopono practice have resulted in a more solid connection to who I am.

And I think the main advantage of the journey inward is to no longer fear how I appear. What I wear, which group accepts me, what is expected of me by others no longer has any tug on my heart. I have always been an oulier from very early on in my life.

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But that created a struggle in me. They seek success. I seek to help others. I seek to teach. The difference in values between myself and others was excruciating when I was ten or sixteen or twenty.

Now I have settled down. I have settled into what I am. And the most wonderful aspect of going within to connect to a bigger life is that I no longer watch my words. I no longer edit what I say. The words find their way to create exactly what needs to be said. All of life is easier for me now that I take responsibility for how I move in the world.

I see visions which are metaphors. I speak the truth I see. I am finally leaving adolescent anxiety about not fitting into any congregations of individuals who form a collective band of belief. My job is to stay grounded, to stay out of fear and hiding and to submit to the gifts I have always had since earliest memories. I no longer hide.

Quixotic March

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Once again, I awoke with a crushing migraine. The pain was chiseling into my ear canal and down my neck. I took two anti-inflammatory pills and gulped some ginger ale to deal with the nausea arising.

Why? I started to ask myself. And then I stopped that flashlight cut of possible thought path in the darkness of my ignorance. I clicked it off with a flick of the switch.

It happens. Click. Done with speculation. Weather changes or working out hard with my weights or unseen/unfelt stress could be the reason for these recurring days of pain.

I swallowed the pain pills, washed away the nausea with ginger ale and lay back down. Nope. Not going to try to start this day yet.

“Kind thoughts, “I reminded myself. I have been working on my goals. I have not gotten lost in anticipating pain or joy.

 

 

Yesterday I took the refrigerator away from the wall and cleaned the thick, matted hidden dirt behind it. I cleaned it out by first removing all shelves and drawers. And now the refrigerator is clean. I did that. Even on a day where I was tempted to growl at winter, at my ever growing weight, at the blinding glow visions of what I should be doing, I made steps.

The siren call to see life as easy, beautiful, instantaneously better is just as debilitating as is the abusive interior voice explaining to me exactly how skillfully I am failing myself. The magical thinking, perpetually burbling optimism leads inevitably to the twilight night of the soul.

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I meditated, I stretched, I worked out, I wrote a speech, cleaned and dealt with the neglected refrigerator. But was it enough? Did I do enough to bring in the sparkling transformative future I imagine for myself? What do I do for my gown;crown, magic wand existence to poof into reality?

Or is the question really, did I do enough to be satisfied with my life? Did I live my day in a way that gives me peace? Am I trustworthy? Can I leave my quivering, insecure, needy child self with this person called ME? Basically, that is the heart of the matter.

And the temptation to want to live in the sparkling perfection of success, does nothing to make my life better. To stop and see that I am making the effort to teach myself to live responsibly, to deal with problems as they arrive and to understand that victory does not come with a trophy is what I am teaching myself.

I open the door of the refrigerator and see what actions I have taken. It isn’t magic. It isn’t spectacular. But even in the throws of snow storms, cold winds, I have made an effort. And it is, in fact, the habit of effort that creates a new life. Maybe it isn’t an enchanted sailing ship but rather a row boat… this Spring. I am on the oars. Go me!

building habits