I have taken an uncharacteristic break in the usual rhythms of my life to go on a seven day trip to Victoria, British Columbia. While it is not an exotic holiday, it is a vast disruption in the habits I have established since 2017 of just staying focused on running my airbnb, keeping my house up to standard and writing.

What I have experienced with incredible clarity is how I protect myself. My sense of direction in a new place is non-operative. I have walked sometimes 15 Kilometers a day simply trying to find a chosen experience or place. Yesterday after great success of finding and eating breakfast at John’s Cafe I circled block after block trying to find a particular store. After 90 minutes I collapsed in a park next to a fountain. There were homeless around me also collapsed in the sanctuary..

A friend texted me and said, “Where are you?”

My answer was, “I have no idea.”

And so I got the opportunity to see how I react when I am purposeless, lost with no goal. I collapse. I am aware enough to know that outside my protective mindfulness practice the crab claws of anxiety lurk.

“If I did not know how potentially upsetting this experience could be, I would be able to quickly get into the early stages of panic,” I tell myself.

But I just observe all of the drama patterns and all of the old scripts with detachment. I am not feeling panic. I am not feeling anxiety. I am feeling grateful for the experience to learn about myself.

And my protective default setting is simply to give up on myself. The best way to not be hurt or disappointed is to release the desire for that thing I am reaching out toward.
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I am lost. I can’t find it. It isn’t worth it. This feels uncomfortable.

I gave up trying to find the New Age store, the Japanese restaurant, the castle that I circled around for almost two hours. I have also given up on trying to find a mate, on dancing, on being a published author, on pushing myself through from strong and fit to amazingly strong.
I have given up on needing close friends who reach out to me without me doing the heavy lifting. The desire for intellectual stimulation in real life has been exchanged for solitary study.

And I always use positive self talk to keep myself protected.

“Look what you do have? Look what you have done? Compare yourself to others. Just be glad.”

But I am not glad that I have settled into a state of fear of challenge. I am not glad that I simply give up trying to find that particular target that is causing me frustration.

My life is best described as monastic. But even monastic orders sailed into the world and took risks. Even the most abstemious intellectuals have had the courage to move forward when the knowing was obscured

As I sat in the park with a young man singing to himself and rocking, I thought about how my urge to “go home” to those things that I know is my way of protecting myself from possible damage and certain delight.

Over head in the park, I thought a bird was flying. But as I sat quietly, I realized it was simply a kite shaped like a bird. And it wasn’t going anywhere..