I have had an exterior focus for eight years. The debt, the negative black energy of the penalty for making the same mistake repeatedly was heavy on me. I carried it on my back bent over but focused on the outcome which I was manifesting with each step, each new day with laundry, cleaning, taking care of guests. My dedication to my airbnb allowed me to free myself from the entity of past narratives. I came out of the dark of paying off, paying back, paying down the mistakes I had made.

The day I shut down my airbnb for an extended period of time, I flew North to be with my daughter and her family. There I sat quietly without an agenda and let us reacquaint ourselves. We sat together in the livingroom and I did not ask for, push for, yearn for more.

Arriving back in Kelowna, I came to the energy of NOT KNOWING. It was like a signpost on the outside of a town hidden under the fog. Welcome to NOT KNOWING. We don’t post information about churches, have giant symbolic representations of what you are to believe that we are.

flying above

When I was talking to a friend, I heard myself say, “The last incident in my life of empty time was when I was 16 and read books all summer on the lawn. I went swimming with the church group. But nothing was planned.”

And then I did something that I find works really efficiently to get around my ego fear. I can deek out from my protective personality, if I act quickly before the prison thoughts come in.

I signed up for braces to straighten my ever-increasingly collapsing teeth. I went in for laser treatment to remove the black hairs coming in. The manicure and pedicure I selected was more expensive, more skilled and longer-lasting than ever before in my life. My hair has been too dark for my skin for about five years. The beauty parlour I went to resulted in three hairdressers lifting my limp, dark hair consulting on the autopsy report. I am now Orange flame red with dark shadows underneath. I paid more than I ever have in my life before.

The sensation of walking out on the dead limb of a felled tree above a flowing river comes to mind. I hear, “You don’t deserve this. Money will run out. You should be more focused and working on a goal. You are trivializing yourself.”
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It even crossed my mind that the constant care the Kardashian Clan undergoes is actually work. Sitting there for hours letting someone attend to your long-neglected body is work.

Next, I decided to really press forward into the headwinds of this challenge. I sent for the anti-aging supplement NMN, bought Reverasol, started using the beauty products I had in my collection hidden away in a drawer in the attic.

Underneath the dissociation of discipline and obsessive focus on work, there lies a quietness I have not experienced in decades. I sleep deeply. I take time to plan meals that support my body. And as I fall asleep I think, “You made good choices today.”

Oh, let us be clear my habit of beating myself up for SOMETHING is still present. It is back there knocking on the closed door calling my name. But I have done so much work in my meditation practice and in my study that it is quite muted at this point.

Sometimes my “scout” mind runs ahead in order to protect me from attacks, on hands and knees reading the ground, sniffing the air for the presence of enemies. But I know I was born with the neurological pathways for anticipating the worst and I just say, “Thank you. But I have got this.”

Allowing Becoming

Next? I don’t know. I can say with calm assurance. I don’t know who I am becoming. It excites me.