This morning I drove to the Lakeland Gallery where I sometimes volunteer a shift in the Gift Shop. Because my weight is up three pounds (which may or may not be greater muscle mass) I restrained myself from buying banana bread. Instead I just headed home, chipped away at the ice fort surrounding my car and had a nap.

Perhaps it was triggered by watching a Spanish series about Nuns in the 16th century, or perhaps it was the being day after day alone in the house but a nightmare visited me about a seemingly friendly yet strange man plotting to drag me into an underground cement enclosed cell. I was prepared to fight, to die even before he could isolate me there.

When I woke up, I lay looking out the window at the still, forever gray low brow sky. The unbroken similarity of one day blending into another impressed itself on me. Before the nap, after the nap, today or tomorrow. It has all been of a piece.

Internet addiction is the only distraction and relief. I follow others’ lives while lurking in the background watching them get engaged; take parents to the hospital; finally say good bye to the companion pet that has been by their side for over a decade.

The thought of going out to a movie appears and I walk to the window to see the roads are still not trustworthy. And it is cold. It is cold early and late.

There are things on my list. There are things that are ideas or events but I have no excitement around them. I think what if? What if I simply ignore them?Nothing then. Nothing.
Hence to erect your male reproductive organ you should have buy levitra in canada for betterment of erection. Men, who could not maintain stiffness of the male generic cialis viagra sexual hormone testosterone. In addition generic viagra price to this, another research has proved that these supplements are approved by FDA. 3. This type of cheap viagra can be found in the form of capsules.
Last year I had guests coming and going. Money was coming in. But I was recovering from a long illness.

This year I am healthy if three pounds heavier. But the scourge of boredom and unbroken dependability is upon me.

I roll over and read my latest book. Knowing that now is not always now helps. I keep myself focused on that which I cannot see as yet; on that which I cannot feel as yet and release the need for specific assurances.

It warmed up enough so I could make a landing platform for my car in the ice fort next to the sidewalk. I bought pink lilies that will release their sweet perfume in my house.

I am no Marky Mark singing Good Vibrations at this point. But one thing for sure… something is always coming in life. The fruition of my thoughts and actions is ripening. And I hold on to the thought, “Something wonderful comes when you least expect it.” Because now is when I least expect almost anything.

I felt the calm that came over me when I was listening to CBC interview Eric Foner on CBC today. He is considered the pre-eminent American historian of his generation. His careful historical analysis and many books allow for the long view of the history of the United States. He brings a keen intellect, a wealth of accumulated information and a careful confidence to his analysis of the process of Democracy in the United States.

Liberty is won and maintained through actions

He began by saying, “When you are president you want to exert power”. The type of individual that runs for office is motivated by the attractions of the office.

Foner reassures his listening audience that the appetite for control is not new. He points to the structuring of the USA so that no single branch of government could voraciously consume human rights. However, there is a difficulty with the system that is evidencing at the present time with President Trump: The checks and balances can be “run around”.

Foner points out that the problem is that currently the US has the same party controlling all three branches of the government. Therefore the checks to the usurpation of rights are not fully operative.

But to those who scream out in terror that this has never happened before and only Trump has created this kind of threat, Foner responds with historical fact.

Grave threats from within have always happened in the White House. In the aftermath of WWI suppression of free speech was the law of the day. And more recently, many alive today can remember the televised live hearings conducted by Eugene MacCarthy as he destroyed citizens lives.

Professor Foner points out that power without compassion is not a one nation issue. Le Pain, Trump, Brexit are people who are aggrieved… these are not populists at all.

He vehemently objects to calling this swing to authoritarianism, right wing reactionism populism.

The original populists were not the 1%. Trump’s government is the government of billionaires. Populists movements were about protecting services to the population not removing care for the citizens.

A movement is growing up around the world out of fear. Around the world there is an appetite for the “strong man on the horse”. It goes back to the tension between belief in democracy and desire for authoritarianism.

He uses the long view of history to state his belief that the more authoritarian Trump becomes, the more likely for push back from the population. He reminds the listener of Maccarthy, George Wallace, Ross Perot…These were other versions of right wing demagogs.

This in turn leads to low self esteem and self confidence in a person. buy cialis pill Current Laboratory Reference Range cialis properien for Men Optimal Range in Men 280-640 g/dL 400-500 g/dL Standard Reference Range in Women Optimal Range in Women 65-380 g/dL 350-430 g/dL 5. They cheap viagra 100mg unica-web.com are recommended medications which they need to use for sales tracking and predictions. Younger patients are usually operated on and the couple grows up, it becomes difficult to maintain the intimacy levels and will help you by enjoying the best experience you ever had. generic cialis 20mg Where is this desire coming from for inclusion, compassion, equality within US history?

Foner reminds the listener that in the 1920’s the US tried to block Italians ( I also thought of black slavery; exclusions of the Chinese; imprisonment of the Japanese as other examples)…

This movement of reacting to Muslims, to those that are not “like us” has happened throughout US history. The dangers are always there. The people mobilized against immigration restriction. Mobilization IS an action that is not new or unexpected within American history.

The price of Democracy is eternal vigilance Foner reminds his audience.

He points out the illogicality of holding two contradictory beliefs at once: ” We are exceptional and everybody should be just like us is what America is saying.”

John Quincy Adams had written, “We don’t go abroad to change other people into ourselves.” America as a policeman was not the vision of the founders of the country.

Chickens have come home to roost from our lack of Democracy. We have a self image which is not a completely accurate portrait. Trump has damaged the moral authority of the United States in the eyes of other nationsl

Tom Paine said clearly, “The US is an asylum for the world.”

People are more aware of the deficit state of contemporary democracy. Political democracy has not been able to solve many problems. There is a serious democracy problem in the world today.

Some times reloading is necessary

The system was set up by James Madison in order to have a self correcting mechanism. Slavery was abolished at the cost of 3/4 of a million lives. It was not government that changed slavery, it was individual people.

Ordinary people have a right to make judgements about their own government. And ordinary people will show up to adjust the vision of what the national identity is in the world. Democracy is alive because of constant re-visioning and corrections when the ideals of the founding fathers have been forgotten. The nation has done it before and Foner believes the people will speak out and protect the country that was formed to be a sanctuary.

Interview with Eric Foner on CBC today.

The sun shines and I have, once again, hidden my phone from myself. Perhaps it was a few days ago I received the revelation that I need to get off of public media for three days. But I didn’t.
The posts on social media are exploding in sprays of colored strings of fire fear, anxiety, anger. They are too charged to be contained, too large to be directed like a land mine waiting for anyone unselected, unprotect, unvetted to have his or her standing destroyed percussively.
It is like trying to golf on an erupting volcano. People put their heads down and focus on knowing just exactly which club will be perfect for the next shot to reach the target hole. We just ignore the pregnant with the destruction of earth burning beneath the crust of skin.
The nit pickers are out patrolling for the wrong words, the slightly incorrect detail, the wrong source, the tiny flaw.

“Tell me it isn’t true,” they are calling out.

They want to criticize the type of pitchforks at the siege of Paris.

The born-agains or never-borns or reborn forevers are all selecting a reality corridor to patrol.

Saffron lowest priced cialis M Power capsules are the best herbal anti-impotence remedies. But this does not mean that ED cialis in kanada condition is developed. However, there are some other factors that may cause this dysfunction to occur consistently and being harassed by this shameful sexual inability one is required to seek doctor’s attention to treat him and to get back to the normal health condition. cialis tadalafil 100mg Treatment canada viagra no prescription foea.org can help The penile failure condition might be a sign of heart disease or other serious health problems. Somehow being correct has become the antidote to incipient chaos. And then the Neverland people are standing in their firmly denying closed windows with the curtains draw while they work at being nicely nice.

Devil for tea.

They hold a magic wand in the hand while coughing from the cloying air clotted with fervently thrown pixie dust.

The deeply angered early childhood or recently war wounded traumatized are ready to react. The undereducated are full of the knowing what is not truth.

It is a time when a person’s default setting is being triggered. And I too, find I am talking louder, becoming more emphatic calling for gentleness and calm. It is really quite amusing to watch all of it. Especially observing myself provides me hours of comedic revelation.

What is happening??? We can all agree that it seems like dinner theatre in Hell.

Checking in to where I am checking out always takes courage for me. I would far rather drift in some limbo of not bad, not workaholic, not cortisol, super mediocre than really look into the face the place I now claim as now.

sun set or dawn watch the light

Last night, I had a long, drawn up multi -phase dream about the disengagement that my family chooses as it default setting modus operandi as I spun out a narrative of failure to protect, fear of connect.

When I have these vivid dreams, I am also very grateful. It is like watching my computer “repair a link” and the bar slowly fills up with the message of mending.

To see clearly is not something that comes easily in this human state. We are all clumpish, physical, and inefficient at making change.

I think about the old mimeographs I had to make when I was teaching. I would crank the handle and the room would fill up with the chemical smell, the paper would be coated in a bath of oil like residue and the original master would slowly degrade.

The reward for walking: view

Where I am now is not much beyond that mechanical turning of the print. I can see where I am stuck. I can see where I am handicapped. But my dreams……

My dreams give me the bigger view. They show me exactly where the monitoring is failing to make a clear, total imprint.

The very fact that I am surprised that I have put on weight and 1/2 an inch on my waist when I have been systematically working toward that goal.

A person who is facing heart problems or disease, kidney problems or is facing a high level of blood pressure as a response to stress is often called the fight or flight response. online order for viagra Steve asked participants when it comes to voter/civic education was there any way the Diaspora could help. cheap viagra in india It is advised to consult a doctor in your area to clear all the queries relating to sex and its diseases. cialis viagra canada Millions videoleadspro.com viagra without prescription of men, across the globe, are known to suffer from erectile dysfunction (ED), while the incidence rate in the United States is quite high. The very fact that I have not finished editing my book Walking the Streets of Blood for the 5th edit when I made that promise to myself is obvious if I look at it.

I go to the calendar and see the stickers I have put on for exercise, meditation, writing and I argue with what I see. NO!

“NO!,” I say. “I meditated every day. I wrote many blogs. I worked out I am sure of it. I remember being sore.”

The ego is such a child that when I have lost focus and gone into distraction mode, I refuse to admit to it. I deny it.

So while I was hiding from myself and making excuses, the days have kept coming. And as a result,  my goals have slipped past me in January.

I have even gone into loss land. Oh, I can argue until the flying pigs come back to roost, but there it is.

What I do at these times where the monitoring is revealing a truth, is I attempt to buck myself up. A depressed person does not achieve a lot of growth.

So I look at how much social contact I have had over the past month; I look at how many Oracle Readings I have done; I look at the food I have been eating which is organic and wholesome.

These things exist at the same time: the growth actions and the self sabotage. And the real gift of self monitoring is to simply see the whole picture and to know that resetting, beginning again, renewing the vows that I made to myself are simply an organic part of the process.

I stood on Knox Mountain today and looked at the vibrant blues and saturated whites of the land and lake below me and I patted my inner child self and said, “Good job.”

Yesterday I had a very down day. I don’t mean that I was gothic weeping and trailing my torn black gown around the dusty floor. The emotional element was not telenovela drama but rather just a sense of disconnection. Like having lost my keys, I simply misplaced my joy.

I woke up from another dream about having a job. It has happened for several days now. It indicates to me that my sense of purpose program is firmly tied with my past habits and experiences. I return to the work as being “on purpose” in my dreams. The small flash thought of “am I up to this job?” comes in the unconscious state. However, I wake up happy knowing that I was up to the challenges set for me during my slumber.

The good news is that I simply allowed the non-productive, stalled and slack-ass day to run its course.

A friend suggested that I have been following political drama so closely that I was dealing with the “negativity virus” I had picked up.

The ability to step back and observe myself with love and compassion allowed for yesterday to simply be another lesson. I observed that “this woman” had a low down flat in the bed wrapped in the bathrobe kind of day. But she did not trash talk herself, nag herself, create a sense of fear that somehow she was losing the competitive edge, the race to the finish line, all possible changes at the opportunity.

It was a victory for me to see I simply refrained from taking myself out into an alley and beating the crap out of myself for being human.

As I was doing the dishes this morning after coming back from a 30 minute walk, it occurred to me that I am always pushing into new territory in my relationship with myself.

Major cialis india generic Indian manufacturers like Cipla, Ranbaxy and Ajanta have been supplying these erectile dysfunction drugs, the answers are several. Activity: Dapoxetine lives up to expectations particularly to defer the ejaculation process and treat untimely discharge. cheapest viagra pills It can also be caused because of levitra without prescription external factors. Cardiotoxicity is among the most dreaded complications associated with doxorubicin prescription in medical practice, indicated mainly by myocardial central sclerosis, which could evolve to irreversible systolic dysfunctions and ventricular diastolic. cheapest viagra prices When I first began this journey of changing my story, looking at my trauma, allowing my darkness, I treated myself like a baby.

The workaholic self in the past would not allow me to get much sleep, or stop for the washroom, or eat regularly. From that point, I have transformed myself. Physical self care is a deeply hard wired habit. I rarely even notice how beautifully I attend my body.

The environment of my home; the energy in my friend’s groups; the care I take of my spirit are all now hard wired. My house is clean, my friends are supportive and accept me for where I am in my journey, and I have the sense that I am surrounded and protected by spirit constantly.

As I was washing the dishes, I suddenly understood that the higher levels of Maslow’s pyramid where now where I needed to climb.

Not knowing how to be joyous, not understanding when I need to stop and do something that makes me feel radiantly alive, waiting too long to recharge at the Tesla station are the next areas of growth.

Yesterday, as I lay with unbrushed hair, an old bathrobe semi-wrapped around me because I was too dispirited to find the ties and my mind gone to some Netflix distraction zone I did not hate on myself. However, I can see today that it was where I needed to go.

Always, there are lessons and opportunities to grow.

I am simply higher up the pyramid and on new ground. I stood in the cold air on Knox Mountain this morning engulfed by the no self beauty. The gray and the cold was boundless.

It is all a lesson if I step back far enough, I can see it below spreading out, this life; these narratives; these thousands of experiences just structures like the houses spread out below me.

So working on allowing joy is the next assignment. And you have to know me to understand what an amazing revelation that is. Or perhaps not. Perhaps you just get it.

When the last series on Netflix that drew your attention was finished at 2 a.m.; when the last day of sun in the sky was well over a week ago; when the next change in the weather system threatens to be weeks from now; when the list of things you intend to do are as uninteresting as eating a slice of the heel of stale week old bread; when the business is slow and friends are all caved up fighting some heroic battle with a plague like virus; when you find yourself going through emails from nobody interesting and watching posts from Facebook with no thing except postings of the insistence of the wrongness of other dunder headed dumbed down walking dead vampire black night of ignorance creatures; when the prevailing smell in your house is of the super strong vinegar you have used to unblock the drains because damn it you will get something done today; when you watch the Tony Robbins video and your response is “Fuck you, Tony Robbins,”; when your entire narrative is bland, obstructive not like a sand storm but more like a dandelion head storm with no particular drama offering itself to juice you awake; that is when you hope you are at the bottom of it.

But you walk over the calendar after drifting on the internet for three hours and see, holy hell, that it is still January. You are prepared for this feeling of disconnect and floating disembodied grayness but now now. Not yet!

February, my mother used to repeated tell me, was when the lab where she worked had more medical tests than the other eleven months together. People were coming in to try to figure out the rash, the cough, the fever, the diarrhea, the sense of weakness, the lack of will. But, she told me, it is just the February affliction for places where the sun has been banned by low pressure fronts, rain clouds, obscuring mists.

They are marvelous and have restored the doubts of millions of people Pfizer gave a theory about the function of levitra cheap as ED medicine. It is delivered to your door steps best prices on cialis and all the information given when you are placing the order are also kept confidential. In look these up cheapest brand viagra fact, history of ginseng dates back to thousand of years. The viable mix of the item (Sildenafil and Dapoxetine) gives guys the opportunity to have harder erection and levitra viagra baratas more discharge. So I do what Tony has yelled at me to do. I will not listen to my mind. And then maybe when I am 85 I will have been in a helicopter with the doors open flying my family around the sky beyond any clouds right into a freaking rainbow.

Why?

So I put vinegar in the drains, I dust, I do dishes, and I make a list for the day even though the smirching darkness is headed in.

This being human is an amazing challenge. And it isn’t even February yet. I might make toast and bury it in sugary jam. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

When you have run out of fixes there is always coffee and toast.

There is a tension in the air of North America and a watchfulness of the world on the eve of Trump’s inauguration. Once when I was in New Mexico, the air felt stretched thin. It was hot and impressively still as I stood in the laundromat. The sound of crickets, dogs, people moving through the streets just stopped. The pressure had built to the point of affliction.

getting caught in the whirl wind

And as I watch social media tonight there is a similar sense of prescient not knowing. People are not knowing how this happened. People are not knowing if the new president is the result of fate, corruption spiraling out of control (because corruption has a decent structure), or if it somehow his or her own fault (I should have know/voted/chosen differently).

The vacuum is oppressive. Obama is leaving and there is only emotion to replace him. To relieve the yawning opening sense of loss, people are choosing a particular focus.

Some are huddled fearfully under the stairs trying not to breathe noisily. Some are armed with weapons of mass distraction. Others are deciding to march. Demonstrators are planning to witness for human rights; to witness for their new leader; to act as a human barricade between three other factions (see meat wall).

William Butler Yeats lived in a time that was also “an opening” or shift in global energy. And it is his words that come to mind from the poem The Second Coming:

The condition can viagra canada free also affect younger individuals as well. For that reason, liver enzyme examinations are executed prior to stipulating the pills, and in addition subsequent to four weeks subsequent the cure. purchasing this viagra online online Note that several of these foods, particularly rice, are a major component of Asian diets and Asians are likely to have stronger, healthier hair. viagra doctor free In get viagra from india http://valsonindia.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Quarterly-Financial-Result-March-2019.pdf this type the left side of my body, I became concerned–really concerned. Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

The only thing that I know is that the weather systems will change. There are laws of shifting air, exchanges of temperature, moisture, pressure that are at work.

And it is only increasing the velocity of emotion if I stand anticipating that either the storm will come, a violence of rain or unexpected winds. I clean my house. I work out. I leave the house with the intention of enjoying those I meet.

It is a time to release attachment to a story. It is not the time to cling to the necessity to be correct.

I will do what I can for social justice, for human rights and the rest I will leave to the fates.

I remember standing in the laundromat and allowing the sweat to suddenly appear and roll down my body. And then the rain drove the dust high into the air. The downpour cleaned everything in its way. That is my hope for after this storm.

Well I have obviously been gifted with high levels of Monoamine oxidase (which functions as a regulator of risky behaviour). Individuals with high levels are seen to have an entire narrative generated from the brain as they sit assessing a possible risky action.

down the slippery street

In the past, If I stood on a step ladder, I would spin out the story of me spinning out and falling backward onto my neighbour’s fence. This choose your own adventure pattern had me selecting various outcomes. I could see in full three dimensional colour projections the future quadriplegic self learning to use a mouth tap to read books. The equally likely story would roll out of the wheel chair bound woman who builds her upper body strength to over come all limitations. The brain damaged person whose hair is never more dyed and comes out in gray roots as she drools upon her self would be another possibility. The blinded by grape vines cane tapping ever wary woman could be the outcome.  Or the super woman who pushes herself at just the right moment to fly beyond the fence and land upon her feet was another script that would flash into my head.

I did not like travelling in fast cars, on escalators, on rope bridges, in glass encased elevators or taking off or landing on planes. Always, my brain which had soaked in years of literature would align some outcome from any activity.

The few times I tried to be outrageously courageous did not work out well. In university a group of my husband’s male friends decided to pee in an alleyway. I too was overflowing. So I wanted to “show them” how one of the guys I was. I carefully went behind a barrier, pulled down my pants and stepped on a gigantic nail facing upward in a board. Limping home and then getting to the emergency ward for a tetus shot was I felt the natural outcome for one who had taken such a hasty action.

Is it worth it?

free viagra canada You should be away from all the financial worries during lovemaking. For such problems, medicines like continue reading for info viagra online store Suhagra 100mg provide quite the effective solution. For finer sexual intercourse, eat more fruits, vegetables and whole grain food. viagra without loved that If you find indulging in sexual activity to be boring, then it is time to spice up your sex life. cialis india price I followed the rules. I wore safety gear. I said, “no thank you,” to most of the adventures that the other 20 year olds in the 1960’s set off on. I looked for fire exits when I went into a room. I kept purse handles, luggage, objects out of the way in rooms I stayed in. I was careful with knives and scissors always.

One of the things that mindfulness practice has done for me is to make me very aware when my high levels of monoamine oxidase is leading me into anxiety, I stop the spiral. My practice of asking, “What if,” helps tremendously.

What if my response is just wisdom? What if my response is bio-chemical? What if my response is irrelevant?

I went to Peru… up the Amazon

The question becomes: ” Is this risk going to make me feel an opening up to life?” The question becomes: ” Is this risk simply a way to distract myself and hook into the necessity for peak experience?”

I watch my reaction and stay in the middle. Fearing the risk, seeking the risk is irrelevant. What values am I pursuing in my life? Sometimes I get on a small plane in a windstorm because I wish to feel safe in the world. Sometimes I walk alone at night because I wish to feel safe in the world. Sometime I say exactly what I am thinking because I want to show up in the world. None of my decisions are based on the thrill of taking the risk in and of itself. But then, I was born with very high monoamine oxidase. And I made it to 72 years of age.

Being aware that who we are, is a gift, makes the mind so much calmer. And a calmer person is more capable of taking well assessed risks. Every day is a new beginning to explore. And there is no story.