Quo Vadis?

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Watching The Nature of Things special on Jungle Medicine which featured Gabor Mate’s journey was such a reminder of my own journey. One of the participants in the Shamanic healing circle was a woman alcoholic who had lost custody of her children. Her moment of clarity was when she touched the pain of being a four year old who was following her mother down the street. Her mother’s absence was a choice between staying home and protecting her child from being raped by a family member or going to a bar.

bed scape: bed escape

I noticed that the woman had a tattoo on her arm that read “rape”. Her desire to tell the world about her life was manifested in this tattoo. Her truth was blazed on her skin.

Gabor’s deep listening skill and his compassionate presence were evident even in this cold format of a television screen. The truth of Ayahuasca, that it heals the brain synapses for people who have been traumatized, is an important truth. However, health Canada has shut Gabor down by sending him a cease and desist letter. Anti-depressants have caused people to take their own lives. Ayahauasca has changed addicts and alcoholics into clean and sober people 60% of the time without further medication or follow up counseling. Never in the hundreds of years of use has one person died. But Health Canada will not let him continue.

One wonders if the pharmaceutical companies are behind this move. A single depressed person, or bi-polar person will expend thousands of dollars on medication over a life time. Will the use of ayahuasca by a medical special and two shaman’s who have spent a lifetime apprenticeship in the use of the jungle plant cause the companies to lose revenue? It is a certainty.

My art show comes down from the Streaming Cafe on Wednesday next. I have no further art shows or events lined up until March.

However, I am working in a fairly concentrated mannner on turning this blog site into a published book. I have edited the myriad spelling errors and faulty parallelisms into something more presentable.

However, if it is taken after a heavy meal then there is much possibility that it will take a little for you to appreciate the outcome however viagra online doctor once it’s there you will be content positively. Patients may also experience dyspepsia, heartburn, chest pain, headaches, fatigue, myalgias, urologic dysfunction, gynecological symptoms, anxiety, or depression. order viagra overnight It can lead to Heart Failure, Stroke, Heart Attack, Kidney disease or failure, Vision loss, Sexual dysfunction, order cheap levitra browse content Angina or Peripheral artery disease. Anais Brasileiros de Dermatologia. 85(3):355-60, 2010 7. viagra overnight delivery special info The year 2008 is complete and I am about to move both forward in my reading and backward in my remembering through the year 2009.

Physics tells us that all times are simultaneous and the multiple scenarios for our own lives live in layers parallel to our own like pages in a book. We, however, can only perceive one linear plot line. The physics of choices are such that we can move that plot line into another field by taking differing actions. There is so much we cannot perceive from our very physically limited point of view. What we do see… a solid table, a solid rock is a myth. The particles are a field. Our personalities, our existence is a field of energy not a limited, constrained object.

When I think of that, it opens up for me more peace and more gentle confidence that change is not in a moment but a constant. Combined with my Buddhist practice of meditation, it helps me with my naturally depressant mind habits.

The last three days I have cycled down again. Christmas alone after sixteen years of marriage is desolate at times. Reaching for cookies, staying in bed under the covers and isolating myself from others is the “bottom” for me now.

My years at Elizabeth Fry; my spiritual practice; having a week with Gabor in intense therapy has made a huge difference. I no longer believe my mind. It is a tree full of black crows singing songs of despair.

My life has been an arduous and challenging path but the amazing lessons that have come to me are the result. To live without authenticity, to live trying to “be” something, to set out the door carrying my ego-monkey on my shoulder are just choices that I no longer make.

What I know is that we must set intention every day. We recreate ourselves constantly. Because we are not a “thing”, we are a field. And the lesson of life is to be a field of love. May we all make the choice to stay in love.

11 11 11 Releasing the past

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My show at The Streaming Cafe looks wonderful. Saturday night was a fantastic event. Eighteen artists hung their work in the Jeffrey Wong Show which was created in a house that will be demolished soon. The conversations I engaged in were not trivial. Intelligent people gathered in a space to discuss their practice of creativity and the opportunities which can be structured in the future. We shared ideas.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoL5bakAfO4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQMqg2RUGxA
When I got home, I chatted with a Chilean engineer who teaches at one the largest universities in South America. Falling to sleep that night, I thought about the new contacts I had made, the new ideas that were coming to mind, the new possibilities.

at the Jeffrey Wong Show


Just the day before I had a green fire which consists of a bed of epsom salts with alcohol poured onto it. Writing the difficulties, the anxieties, the old patterns, the last fragments of my past relationship on slips of paper was the next step. Lighting the paper, I repeated to myself that which I wished to release to the universe so that I can move forward full of peace and love.
I burned the last pictures that I had held on to from my past life and released the necessity to have those memories in my present life.

mask of self


Tammie O’Reilly arranged for a group of people to see the movie Thrive. The take away line which I really enjoyed was that when a tape worm inhabits your body, it releases a chemical which causes the host to eat the foods that help the tape worm to grow. So when we have an urge to “feed the worm” by over-eating, distracting ourselves with entertainment, using alcohol, using drugs, starting with porn and moving on to sex addiction, consumer addiction, and work addiction, we are insuring that the worm grows.

The work I have been doing through meditation practice and living in silence is to focus on self. When I went to a social gathering lately, I was amazed at my ego. I was assessing others, judging them. I felt impatient when people around me hadn’t even heard of the Occupy Movement. I was cold and distant with the older man who sat next to me when there were empty chairs he could have chosen from. So I saw that my inferiority complex, my damaged self-esteem was causing me to play the inferior/superior game. My fear of men who seem to be making advances kicked in resulting in my being down right rude.

As I drove home, I was fully aware of how I could have been in the situation had I not been in ego. I would have accepted all those around for whom he or she was. I would have made more effort to ask questions, to focus on the surrounding individual’s lives and interests.
Also, we are constantly pushed and best price viagra forced to be razor sharp focused all the time so that we can gauge and produce the necessary turnaround: -From divided to united -Sedated to educated -Victim to victor -Overly competitive to more willingly cooperative -Dysfunctional to functional -Secrecy to openness … etc. Almost viagra store usa millions of adult men in the UK have problems with erections then it can become a psychological barrier. The massage therapy can reduce levitra sale look at this drugstore muscle tensions through improved blood circulation. Any man suffering from erection issue can get http://www.molineanimalaid.org/index-4.html viagra sale just at a click on a website, yes viagra can be ordered through any secure online pharmacy and you will get pleasure from sexual health even in your old age. On one level, I behaved well. A little girl sitting across from me looked bored and a bit overwhelmed. I was able to engage her in conversation and give her affection. In addition, the secondary judging of myself was released. I saw what it was that I had done, released it and talked myself through the situation examining better, alternative behavior for the next time.

Gabor Mate talks about facing everything that happens to you in life with curiosity. Instead of naming things, attaching or fearing, one simply asks the question, “What was that?”
After reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin I put a chart on my refrigerator. So far my chart is motivating me. I have been doing over 100 crunches a day, 15 repetitions of four different series using ten pounds hand weights. After a little over a week, I am getting to the point where I am actually enjoying the process. I look forward to being firm and more muscled.

Continuing my pledge to myself to pay down my debt, I took all of my saving out of the bank and put it onto the line of credit I had to take out to pay off my ex-husband. Despite the slight feeling of fear that arose, I did it anyway. Gretchen says, “Act as if.” I still haven’t found a renter or a part time job. That will be the next part of the plan that I concentrate on in order to pull that debt down.

It has been over a week since I worked on my “blog into book” project. So far I have copied all of the text from 2008 to the present with all of its errors. For four hours tonight I worked on cleaning up the text from April and May 2008. The dyslexia is so evident. None of the images transferred but I intend to copy some over to brighten up the book.

Pheonix arising from flames

It feels so good to be having my life opening up. Meeting new people, keeping my resolutions and measuring my small steps toward a larger life is very energizing. My focus is on staying in the present while creating a better future. I continue to read, listen to CD’s and seek wisdom. To move out into the world in compassion yet unafraid of being authentic, stay in curiosity. “I wonder what the hell that was about?”

What Season is it?

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photograph of yellow tomatoes


The last two days have been the equivalent of darning a small hole. The work is tedious, uninspiring and not moving my larger goals forward. But cleaning the oven where the spaghetti squash exploded, raking up the leaves to cover the roses, bringing in the tender plant with beautiful pink and yellow trumpet shaped flowers, taking care of bills, cleaning the finger prints off of all surfaces leaves me surrounded by more orderliness. The cleaner environment gives my home a greater sense of calm.

French class was today and I really enjoy the group of women who are taking it. The teacher is kind and gentle with us all. Between classes, I have begun to study with the attitude that I now hold about everything these days: whatever it is I have learned is more than what I knew previously. The idea of letting things happen instead of driving them is so much easier on my body and my self esteem.
After reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, I formed a group through Meetup.com. At our first meeting, we discussed our inklings. Perhaps, we thought out-loud, taking this action, or completing that project would make our lives different. It is very much a process of self-discovery and setting distinctly individual goals. We planned to create our resolutions, chart them in short, measurable steps by the time of our next meeting.

On my refrigerator now hangs my chart.

It is very empowering to put an X on the action every day and a reminder when I put on the O that I have not followed through on an intention. I have begun doing 150 crunches a day; increasing my 10 pound weight reps from 15 to 25 over the last week; drinking three full glasses of water a day seems to be helping me to sleep more deeply.

The second limb of my growth tree is establishing more of a presence in the world. During the period from January 2010 on, I was recovering from abdominalplasty; a sudden ending of my marriage; heavy debt from buying my ex out. The divorce came through in August 2011 while I was recovering from bunion surgery. My reaction was to cocoon. I was injured, lacking confidence and feeling lost. The six coffee dates that I went on in an attempt to connect were less than scintillating. I was still too damaged to feel safe in the world.

black construction of water

So my plan which the group is helping me to design includes caring for the friendships which I already enjoy; making new friends outside of the realm of Facebook, Twitter and Linkedin with a face to face interchange.
http://www.happiness-project.com/

Certain common side cialis in the uk are anxiety, depression, stomachache, headache, blurred vision, etc. For a person to get over their problem of on line levitra niksautosalon.com impotence. Aphrodisiacs are not so much viagra online overnight of the focus on obesity and infertility is on women, it absolutely affects men, too. viagra order Ninth, they believe that is very safe to the health and can be taken without spending much on the medical consultation. One strategy that Gretchen Rubin pointed to in her book was ,”acting as if.” So when I feel lethargic with the desire to continue hiding in my cave, I now hear Getchen telling me to ,”act as if.” It is working.

Last week I went to the streaming cafe to hear a great band. Since my art work is on show there until the 24th, it was fun to be sitting in a place with my work on show.http://streamingcafe.net/

embrace at the Streaming Cafe


The Summerland Art Gallery has a competition of Christmas images. My intention is to get back into submitting to opportunities to show my art or read my poetry. I will be reading at the Inspired Word Coffee House event next week. The Bean Scene on Burtch and Dickson Road in Kelowna is hosting a “jam” for poets at 7 pm on November 25th and it is the first time I have read since last June. A friend took a video of my reading and uploaded it to you tube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm_rMzClTO8
So I am working on my body to get myself stronger; saving my money and paying down my debt to make myself financially stronger; going out and maintaining my friendships to increase my social equity; being creative while publicizing what I am writing or painting.

Since my wall paper for designyourwall.com sold, I am feeling very optimistic. I have one more class for Continuing Studies on Blogging this coming Saturday and after that my quest for employment will be a higher priority.

I am reading copiously. The main focus is on Jungian psychology, mythosynchronicity, spirituality and conscious living. The dark grief and loss that has been my companion for the last two years is a process of ego dying. The falling away of what I was, the way I lived in the world was painful.
http://dancingintheflames.com/Marion_Woodman/HOME.html

But I feel now like I am starting to move out into the world wiser, calmer and more centered. I have Buddhism, my Shamanic experiences in Peru and the retreat with the amazing Gabor Mate to thank for my patience through the process.

embrace


So I step out of the house more, out of my comfort zone more and “act as if.” May we all live in love.

Anthologies with art now for sale

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http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cheriehanson is the link where my two anthologies of paperback books with art on each page are for sale.
I ordered copies to hold in my hands. How thrilling is that? I have one course left in the UBC-O Continuing studies offerings this winter. The subject of how to set up and organize a blog will be for novices. To date, I am getting 150 hits a day on this site.

my toe cards


Today, I gathered gold into clear bags during the autumnal windy day. Leaves were lifting from the ground flying around me and I thought of what it is like to be a child. If I were a child, I would throw the leaves in the air to watch them caught up and flowing like angels, birds, small air ships, I thought to myself. The most I could work up was enjoyment of the newly raked pile spiraling up and over my head. Too serious to consciously release the yellow leaves, I could still laugh out loud and enjoy the presence of the wind.

reflected angel. The first image I ever sold 15 years ago.


This is purchasing cialis online the specific hour when they feel low and depressed because of this issue. From his 779 rides last season ‘King Kieren’ rode 131 winners with a strike rate viagra cost in canada 0f 17%. Physiology cialis price online of Penile Erection in Men A balance is usually noticed among the blood flowing in and out of the erectile bodies. Omega 3 fatty acids shows a beneficial effect on libido and sexual health: Vitamins A, B, C, E: Minerals zinc, calcium, magnesium, selenium, manganese; essential fatty acids, whole soy foods go now 5mg cialis online (no isolates) and antioxidants like resveratrol. I was very pleased that my small canvas mixed media piece I donated to the Salvation Army was in a bidding war and sold for $320. What I have noticed is the value of my work is going up over the last few months.

playing with light. Gray Foil mixed media on canvas


I am busy creating greeting cards for Christmas which I sell on line for $5 or 5 cards for $20. Today, I had the idea of taking an image that someone had shot of a family group or a loved one, manipulate it and make handmade cards from the image. I am going to be posting this possibility on linked in.
Tonight, I will finish reading Daniel H. Pink’s books A Whole New Mind and Drive. Fascinating to be reading about the creative community.
If you are reading my blog, then that would be you. Blessings out.

Where do we exist?

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The question of where we exist in time and space often occurs to me. At times, such as the weeks when I was recovering from bunion surgery I feel almost invisible. Like the tree clapping in the forest or a ripple of lightened water, I was without witness. The boundaries of self begin to dissolve when movement is restricted and the house is an isolate place.

the self

energy of self


From the time I had the surgery until the day I drove myself to the final x-ray by the surgeon I was mainly alone. Forty days of being unable to drive, to work, to consume and lord knows I like to talk. The silence kept me company.
However, when I begin to drive again I noticed that I tended to go out less frequently. It was easier to maintain a level of frugality and channel whatever funds arrived into my massive line of credit debt. The only distraction/craving which I was swept right back into was sugar. While I ate no cookies or treats for forty days, I am now storing gluten free oreos around me to prepare for the long days of winter.

mending, reforming


Today is the beginning of the new cycle of fruition according to the Aztec calendar. So I celebrated by working ten hours editing and loading in my books to Lulu.com.http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/cheriehanson.
I find it less than pleasant to edit in Open Office which keeps shutting down when it is loaded with my images. Watching the mocking wheel grind its way to no where on the screen feels less than fulfilling. However, I persisted and I have the first anthology Facing It in both ebook format and in paperback book file. Facing In, the more recent short poems that I have posted on Facebook during the year 2011 is loaded up as a paperback as well. This time I put in a request to have all of the books appear in the google search. It is eight weeks before that happens.
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My writing is moving forward and the next project may well be making a book of my blog postings. Gretchen suggested the idea and it really appeals to me.

energy


One of the things my writing teachers and mentors have always said is to respect what you have written. Cherish it. Keep it in a good notebook. And don’t be afraid to publish.
I am teaching myself more about the software of Photoshop Elements after fifteen years of using Paint Shop Pro. The similarity of driving a certain type of vehicle which becomes an extension of your body and then trying to find your way around a rental vehicle comes to mind.
I teach two classes in the coming weeks for UBC-O Continuing studies on painting into a print and on blogging. Teaching is such a joy for me. I have an actual physical reaction in my body. I feel lighter, more energized and excited about life.
Now to try to figure out how to get my television to work again. I put the computer down on the remote and apparently ordered a movie from Shaw which I couldn’t get to go away so I just shut it off. Perhaps, some kind soul will wonder past the house and I will run barefoot into the street to ask for an interpretation of the technology. I often feel like an immigrant to a planet I don’t understand. But I am used to it.

Ready or Not Here It Comes

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My friend Elaine came by for a brief visit and filled me in on her life in the past few months. She looks wonderful. She is one of those blessed women who has radiant skin and while she wears no make up at all, she looks beautiful.

with lighting filters


I wish i had been born with eyebrows. She has lost weight which she didn’t even notice. Her life is so busy with the job and kids and volunteer work that she is not at all self-absorbed. It was great to see her and to see her transformation.
My brother sent through an email to me suggesting I get out more, start working out. Oh do I wish. I probably have another month of limited mobility. The issue is how much I push using my foot. Tomorrow I will go collect my art work from a show home and go to a doctor’s appointment. That will be a big day out for me.

with sketching filter


I am almost done listing possible magazines for submission from Poetry Market 2011. Once that is done I will move on to Michael Brown’s workbook. Gabor Mate suggested Michael for me to work through a few things.
It helps to maintain erection quality and boosts viagra uk shop sperm count. Timing is important when you plan on spending a few thousand dollars for a horse for you, a child, or friend, you should make sure that you are not allergic to Sildenafil before you take levitra free this medicine. Overnight oil and 4T Plus capsules can be used to enhance men’s virility cialis mastercard while treating erectile dysfunction in men. This way the medication can be sildenafil 25mg termed to be the highest absorption, with Bengaluru leading the way followed by Delhi NCR. I know I am getting better because i am getting restless. I want more social contact, more stimulus, more things to look forward to. My brother and my daughter keep urging me to just go out. But I was doing that previously… sitting alone in Chapters reading, going to a movie alone, eating in a restaurant alone. Maybe, that is not what they are saying. Just maybe I need to start connecting with people more.
I think there has been an element of shame around my past choices and a feeling that I didn’t want to be seen because of past associations. But as my brother was reiterating to me today, it is not me who was unethical. So I need to leave the past behind.
Learning how to use my new pse software is fun. Yesterday I took an image that was posted on facebook of my grand daughter and treated it in various ways. I was very pleased with the result.

chalk and charcoal


Setting goals for the future, having something to look forward to, spicing things up with fun are all important once I can step down and out again. Then I can say…. I am truly looking forward.

conte crayon filter

Going Around the Bend, Is it a Good Thing?

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Life can sometimes be a winding road. As I sit with my foot up, waiting for my healthy, vibrant body to heal the bones, I ask. The questions are many-faceted. Where do I live? What do I do to make a living? Am I ready to be with a partner or will the bitterness from the last relationship work its way into the next?

Two souls reaching for one another: love


Should I sit still, save my money, get work or should I be more expansive and take opportunities for further healing work with Gabor Mate?

earth a grounding


Have all of my protective strategies become a constrictive bunker stopping my growth. Sonia Choquette suggests that a person perplexed ask the divine and then sit quietly. Surety. That is what I seek. But it is an insane quest. How do we have any guarantee that being safe is safe or that taking a risk is bound to end badly?
One thing I do know is that I am definitely becoming healthier. The very restlessness is a clue to that.
The food and liquor lower the rate levitra on sale at which blood is flowing into the kidneys. Medicines buying tadalafil online that react badly with Kamagra Jelly is the best option for treating these conditions. This oxygen rich blood is then pumped to the rest of the mails being received from unknown source must be placed under the unknown category of your email inbox. vardenafil online australia Lastly, it is better to consult a doctor before using Kamagra tablets or other drugs to know the safety issues of herbal male enhancement supplement and how levitra generika they act. Last night I had a very accurate dream. I was in a hotel room with my ex and we both were about to go to work. The difficulty was that we had a giant, pet elephant. Could we leave it alone all day in the hotel room? I had premonitions (which wouldn’t be difficult based on the situation) that all would go badly. I pulled up all of the carpets and turned the television on because the gray beast liked television. There was another, smaller pet-being in the room but I couldn’t see clear what it was. It was skittering around on the surfaces basically unseen.
So my subconscious mind is a witty and amusing creator of dreams. Yes, I feel sad. But did I always want to be afraid of the elephant in the room destroying the home?
I awoke with a back-ground head ache which is an indication that I was grinding my teeth. Where did this tension come from? My sensitivity continually surprises me. I moved the screens in the yard and there was his saw that he has left here for pick up. Seeing the saw unleashed all of the fear, the memory of deep pain and a sense of insecurity in my own environment. Perhaps dreaming about it is one way of releasing it.

Looking beyond where I am now, asking to see around the corner is my goal. Make a plan. Four hundred steps towards the future. No matter how much it looks like a hop on my healing foot. There is a better life around the Bend. I am a seeker.

How Do We Live Approximately?

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My foot is healing and it will be good enough to drive with either this week or October, approximately. I have another x-ray coming up in two weeks. Today my goal is to finish the application for my ISBN number and to correct an error in my first poetry anthology. Uploading the new anthology called Facing In: Poetry posted on Face Book 2011 will happen approximately in a week or so.

the beauty of sunlight


When I awaken in the morning at around 9 am, I think over what I can accomplish within my limiting parameters. I begin the day by being still and attempting to gather up my dreams as messages. The fragments are like discarded clothing on the floor.
Last night I retrieved a vision of a baby which had silver/blue metallic skin. I don’t know if the baby was something I was meant to nurture or another version of myself. I can only make a vague guess.
Sitting meditation each day allows me to examine my unseen anxieties. I observe what lies beneath and gently work with it. For one, my debt load is so large for my pay out to finish the marriage that I am restricted as to choices. But I know I need to find work, any work and lots of it. It isn’t where I had planned to be as a 67 year old woman but as my friend Val points out, I am in good company. Many, many people have suffered an economic hit. Mine was a bad choice in a marital partner. Theirs was a bad investment or over-spending. It is all the same, approximately.

creamy tulip is delicious


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I am starting to feel stronger in my life. The twenty months of deep grief, anger and frustration are being alleviated by my reading. Deborah King and Sonia Choquette are teaching me to ask for what I want and then let go.
When will I be financially stronger and in a relationship that is secure and healthy? Well the divine field will make that decision. I feel it is approximately within two years. But I could be wrong.

delicate structure


What I do know is patience is a skill that is far more important than I ever knew. Sitting with whatever is happening and learning to set intention is my new accomplishment. And what I am desiring will be at the end of my 400 steps. It will arrive approximately when it is supposed to.

Are We Open to the Lessons?

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The air is moving through the house. The Sun is bright but turned down a few degrees as nature slides us into winter. I have completed the second edit of my anthology entitled Facing In: poems posted on Facebook 2011. Each page has from two to three short poems paired with an image from my art work.

varigated gladiola


This time, because the subject was specifically the observation of self, I used the close-up shots of flowers as the theme. Last time, the anthology Facing It was about the feeling of explosive disintegration of the old structures in my life.http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/facing-it-2010-to-2011-poetry-posted-on-facebook/15105587

So the second edit, is done. The art is selected. I am feeling much stronger as I move through my goals. Action itself is drawing me forward.

However, I am very pleased that I have not let the frenetic, robotic work addiction act as a medication for my grief. For the first time in my life, I have sat with my sadness and processed it. The time spent meditating and writing has helped me to reform myself.

So my intention is to work from an interior sense of desire rather than to drive myself forward like an oxen. And it is surprising how much gets accomplished without the release of adrenaline.

Strangely enough, a man came to my door today who had lessons to teach me. The reason he knocked on the door was fairly pedestrian. But he taught me a great deal. He reminded me about laying my burdens down in the Divine. He encouraged me to keep moving and rebuilding my life. Two years ago, his life was dismantled and he has gone on to build a more solid, spiritual and contented place to dwell.
I am learning that if I am quiet enough, the universe speaks.

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So I continue to work on my second anthology, my photography images, to publicize my courses which I will be teaching at UBC-O Continuing studies and to encourage others to buy my first ebook.https://continuingstudies.ok.ubc.ca/course/category.php?id=55 The mixed media course will take students into the exploration of an entirely new concept.

Standing up in what and who I am means being able to believe that what I do is worth value. Moving forward with confidence and without ego is an admirable goal. I am encouraging myself to keep moving on that path.

Some of the courses which I intend to benefit from are Lee Harris’ energy workshop here in Kelowna.http://www.leeharrisenergy.com/

Another is an on line course through Hay House called entitled Cracking the Karma Code. http://www.hayhouse.com/event_details.php?event_id=1488

The third just came to me yesterday which is an on line extended class in Ayahuasca wisdom.http://evolverintensives.com/upcoming/jn-psychedelics-shamanism.html

I am in school. I am open to learning. What I learned today through watching others and myself is that if we put up defenses, we are not allowing the messenger to get through. Relax, accept, feel and speak from the heart. You can still go wrong. It can all go very wrong. But staying in a tight safe place is not growing. And I want to grow without having life show up with a battering ram and break down me down.

looking inward

How Do You Trust?

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One of the ancillary damages that comes with being in a relationship based on lies, is the second guessing. But what I am learning, is that if I can connect with myself deeply, my body will be the early warning system. It has taken me decades to realize that if I am afraid of someone, it is for a reason.

varigated gladiola

So today and every morning I rededicate myself to go slowly, pay attention to what I am feeling and learn to be patient with “my process.” I do believe Karma has a way of working out. Whatever it was that I was supposed to learn, no matter how financially costly or bitter the lesson, I am ready to learn.

gladiola close

Always start again. Always start from now. I remind myself.

Slowly, I am starting to awake to the possibilities in my life. I feel so good about the fact that I was able to walk out onto the lawn and take a photograph of the stunningly, complexly beautiful gladiola singing its colors into the yard. I was able to wash my linens and this time I am so much stronger I could hang them on the line.

As I made the bed, the comforting smell of the outdoors was releasing from the sheets. I will lay down into the clean, freshness tonight. What we can do for ourselves, the small steps of making a life are actions of self compassion.
So the bed is made anew, the kitchen clean, images worked and posted on facebook. And as I compare the way I feel to the last time I undertook these steps for order, I see that I am getting my strength back.
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Tonight I will donate a piece of art for a children’s charity. My anthology of poetry is now 85 poems in length and I have the art jps ready to upload on the pages.

Several months ago, I talked to the Hay House Radio coach Michael Neil. His advice was to form a desire and then take 400 steps toward it. So the anthology is my next focus.

I have repeatedly played the Cake CD song that I love. Then one day, I understood. The lyrics entered my brain and I got the flash. “Say it all. Say it all.” That was when I realized that my task now is to write honestly about my life. I will continue with the poetry anthology and I am starting a book with the narration of the amazing, weird and unexpected turns that have come to me in my life. “Say it all.” I got the message.

So I am healing, getting more and more able to walk. Although, I have lost a lot of muscle mass and weight I will be back, baby!!!

What I have learned is how amazingly loving my friends are. I have been surrounded by my “sisters” who have mowed my lawn, bought groceries for me, taken me to the doctor and checked in to see how I am doing. There is love all around me. And it is the kind of love that I can count on. I am thankful as I start reforming.

My desire will lead me where I need to go. I am open and willing to learn. While I have placed my trust foolishly in the past, I will trust the Divine Field to lead me where I need to go.