As I sit through the winter, I am more drawn to the movie channels on televison. The struggle to place purpose in my life in a dark time without any boss or authority giving me marching orders is fascinating to watch. For over thirty years I had a job that spun out to structure my weekends and holidays, as well. Writing plays, teaching acting, sewing costumes, marking senior essays filled my hours.
Shortly after I had retired in 1999, I had a studio to provide me with momentum. The requirement of being in the Rotary Centre for certain hours, to attend various openings structured my days.
Also, being for the first time in my life since I was in my 20’s without familial obligations is strange. When I was single, I had two children to feed, clothe, attend to. They took my focus. After they left home, my husband took as much focus and care as my children had. But that is another story.
Now, in the last three years I have been alone. At first, I had a short contract with Okanagan College to teach ABE and I enjoyed that. Some courses were forthcoming from UBC-O Continuing Studies.
But since these classes have closed down, I have been in a deep space float. Focusing on my spiritual work with retreats, meditation and turning away from the world left me sounder, more centered.
But now, now it is a different story. As I was watching the re-runs of movies on the “box”, I kept running into Colin Farrell. His dark eyes so murderously focus. His intensity holds a power that only our shadow self can reveal. When he began some commitment to action in most scripts, he would throw his fate to the wind.
It spoke to me. I used to be that way. I went to school bruised and exhausted and made a good student of myself. I read all the non-fiction books in the elementary school library book by book in the order they were shelved until I had read all. Two Years Before the Mast was one of the grade 6 items. In grade three I had a learning disability but by grade ten I read at a College level on standardized tests. I was one of the top three speed readers in the school.
I graduated with honors from high school and had, by doubling up courses, in University earned two degrees in less than four years.
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I raised two children alone without any help or family aid. A further shore would appear in my vision and I would bend my back to the oars and not rest until I got to the land.
The dark and the light. The masculine and feminine.
As I sat on the couch, I thought of how my darkness, my drive, my singular ability to work were my power. Going to the internet, I read about the actor’s prodigious work ethic. I read about his moving unsuccessfully from one relationship to another. Now, today he is single. He is working on his acting skills. He is muscular and tends to the maintenance of strength in his body. He signs on to one production after another.
So it is my masculine side that has protected me, kept me strong and lead me down dark alleys in the pursuit of ego. As I was attracted to his flinty eyed stoicism, I understood that my ferocity is not something I need to disown.
On this winter evening, after watching three Colin Farrell movies I could feel my wonderful inner demon shadow self awakening. Only this time, I have the watchful feminine qualities that I have developed in the past period of hibernation to moderate my choices. The mindful nurturing of my own short, dark powerful, unacknowledged male energy is what calls to me. And that is why Colin Farrell is my role model.
Aredhel is how I envision my gentle feminine self. What a great marriage I hold within my field. Aredhel and Collin Farrell. Enough to make any one laugh and set out the door with a sense of confidence in magic and power.
