Tag Archives: Buddhism

What is it all about? Face into wind, words carry

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Intention, attention, detention. Each day born like a chick. Pecking away the shell of sleep.

So shaky on first legs. Aware that each thought is creating the web lines I will walk each day. Visioning out, creating the universe my orb will rotate through before I can make it to the bathroom, or even put my floor into reality by placing feet upon it.

To catch myself, right then. To catch myself gently by taking my mind in hand is the goal.

When first waking, I place one hand on the scars where my three surgeries were for ridding me of cancer. The other hand I place on my heart and let both my chest and my hand warm one another.

Each day, I lay flat before the universe is constructed and I say to my mind, “You are radiantly healthy and you give and receive love easily.” Each day, I use Reiki or affirmations, or magic on my body in the two places that have to be calmed and assured. “You are radiantly healthy and your heart is full of love.”

Only after those moments do I stand, shake off the unbeing of night and sleep. Where ever I have travelled, I am back into the habit of mind-body connection we call awake. As I walk to the bathroom, I watch my thoughts. My mind has already made up the holodeck I am stepping into for the day.

“Whine, whine, whine,” the song goes in my brain. The hard stone of loneliness is still below my heart and above my belly button. Still there, I can feel the dark, heavy spot. Parents dead; children moved away; marriages done one after one. The house is quiet with only the blowing heat in winter or air conditioner in summer breaking into the white, clear silence.

I turn my mind to gratitude as one would help a child learn to tie shoes for the first time. I am patient. I talk to myself with compassion. “Let’s see. We will make a list. Wow, you had 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Your body feels good. You are not afraid that someone in your environment will hurt you, will be sneaking around betraying you. No one is criticizing you. Your body feels strong and rested. The bed is comfortable, the tree outside your window is beautiful, your car purrs when you turn the key, ….” On I go chanting to the trembling gray feathered bird which has broken from the shell of night, chanting that the world is a safe and wonderful place.

The coffee is excellent, the best and freshly ground. The orange juice is golden. I drink it standing at the window so I can see the brilliant color in between sips. I take my pills that help me build strength and optimism. They work for me. I congratulate myself on everything that I did to advance my sense of safety and confidence in the world yesterday.
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The stone of past oppressions; of a war zone childhood; of bad choices and loss is still there. But I notice that it is getting smaller. I make friends with its presence as if it were a mole or a scar, only it is one which I carry within.

So many times during the day, I reach “no story” status. It is the top of the mountain for me. Something happens. My car needs $700 worth of repairs. And I say, “thank you,” to the universe for the mechanic’s catching loose bolts and a rusted arm that would have lead to an accident. Within one hour, I drop it and do not weave it into the cloth of thorns that I could choose to wear throughout the day.

Sometimes, I have no body or personality or thoughts. The sense of floating comes to me at times while I sit meditation on the deck. The feel of the sun melts the dimensions, my physical body, my aura of jagged thoughts away into no thing. It is beyond pleasure. It is just space.

The result of watching my self through the day is that I can see the four year old; the frightened 38 year old with two children to care for; the woman who ran bleeding after love appear in my thoughts. And whatever age my shadow self is, I see her. I know exactly where it is coming from. I know exactly why she wants to start the story, the drama, the cliff hanger, the adrenaline of anxiety which is her addiction. Sometimes, I am even able to soothe her and step away from her pull on my hand. “Follow me into victim land,” she will call out.

What has been most exciting for me in this process is that I am learning that I am not good or bad. I am human. I have a personality, a soul, a history, habits of mind, self destructive patterns and even cognitive dissonance that has me eating sugar while trying to become radiantly healthy. But I am learning.

By God, by all that is Holy the gifts this life has brought to me are starting to be evident. I can watch myself with love. The struggles with arrogance, judgement, social anxiety, over control, failure to allow myself to be close to others are on going. Even when I had past life regression, I could see the same lessons appearing. So how can I expect to “get it” in this life if I have been doing the work on the tendency to isolate myself since 1053 B.C.? I mean really, let it go sister.

When I awake with my feathers so young and wet they look like fur, and I lay among the shell fragments of dreams, I recreate my life. Each day is a new universe, a new energy field, a new web I weave with my thoughts. What is my life about? It is about learning how to live. It is about learning what I have created and taking full responsibility for each thought I use to speak to my self. I am after all brand new, unsure, trembling to be here.

I see myself so strong and soaring in the sky with no weight of darkness. I see myself light in light. So I touch my scars and my heart, and I talk to myself each day. I am teaching myself how to live. It is why we are all here. To understand. To live with no story, no drama, no victim/villian mentality. But thank God we are reborn each day, new, fresh face into the wind with our words carrying out into the world our intention to be loving.

And sometimes the sun shines.

Distant and Dealing

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I have not posted for six weeks. The sense of making each day count has been the driving motivation for me lately. After reading Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project, I made a chart for my refrigerator. On the chart are those things which are most supportive of my well being, in other words the care of my body.

At the top of the list is drinking water. From all that I have read, getting enough water can offer immense support for the “plant.” Inflammation is a response which must be avoided. Inflammation damages the body, creates stress and can lead to a cancer response. Drinking enough water also keeps the body from signaling “hungry, hungry,” when in fact it is dehydrated. Toxins are also carried through with water. Honoponopono practice which is traditional Hawaiian spiritual practice has as its core drinking water. A blue bottle is placed in the sun (try that in the Okanagan winter). As the sun goes through the water, it is believed it activates it to heal. The thought that the practitioner is supposed to hold is that all past “scripts” are washing through the body. What happened to me when I was two or twenty or sixty is now flushed out. Now. That brings to you now. Without a story, a bag of past grievances slung over the shoulder. Just you, the ground, the breath and the flow of water washing through the body.
Sleep is the next item on my chart. Getting eight hours sleep can pull down the inflammation response very efficiently. When the body is rested, it feels strong and calm. The daily attacks: bills, broken appliances, family disasters, angry people are inevitable. But if the body feels strong and rested, a person is in a more capable state. Solutions are easier to discover. I also find that it is easier for me to not attach to the difficulty with an emotional state that strangely enough usually outlasts the problem. So often in the past I start to out run the tiger long after it has retreated to the dark forest again. The sound of my own hyperventilation and pounding anxiety would accompany me long after the threat had passed.
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My goal is to make contact with old friends or to meet new friends every day. As with all activities, it becomes easier the longer I do it. At first, going through the door after my long retreat was like breaking through one of those aluminum foil barriers on a jar… only it was over the door. One evening I went out just because I didn’t feel like going on.
These simple items top my list on my happiness project chart. Another part of the process, is to realize that it is a process. When I misstep or don’t have an X to put in the box, I realize that I am changing myself for the better. I celebrate that and treat myself with compassion because I am my friend as well. Right?

11 11 11 Releasing the past

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My show at The Streaming Cafe looks wonderful. Saturday night was a fantastic event. Eighteen artists hung their work in the Jeffrey Wong Show which was created in a house that will be demolished soon. The conversations I engaged in were not trivial. Intelligent people gathered in a space to discuss their practice of creativity and the opportunities which can be structured in the future. We shared ideas.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoL5bakAfO4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQMqg2RUGxA
When I got home, I chatted with a Chilean engineer who teaches at one the largest universities in South America. Falling to sleep that night, I thought about the new contacts I had made, the new ideas that were coming to mind, the new possibilities.

at the Jeffrey Wong Show


Just the day before I had a green fire which consists of a bed of epsom salts with alcohol poured onto it. Writing the difficulties, the anxieties, the old patterns, the last fragments of my past relationship on slips of paper was the next step. Lighting the paper, I repeated to myself that which I wished to release to the universe so that I can move forward full of peace and love.
I burned the last pictures that I had held on to from my past life and released the necessity to have those memories in my present life.

mask of self


Tammie O’Reilly arranged for a group of people to see the movie Thrive. The take away line which I really enjoyed was that when a tape worm inhabits your body, it releases a chemical which causes the host to eat the foods that help the tape worm to grow. So when we have an urge to “feed the worm” by over-eating, distracting ourselves with entertainment, using alcohol, using drugs, starting with porn and moving on to sex addiction, consumer addiction, and work addiction, we are insuring that the worm grows.

The work I have been doing through meditation practice and living in silence is to focus on self. When I went to a social gathering lately, I was amazed at my ego. I was assessing others, judging them. I felt impatient when people around me hadn’t even heard of the Occupy Movement. I was cold and distant with the older man who sat next to me when there were empty chairs he could have chosen from. So I saw that my inferiority complex, my damaged self-esteem was causing me to play the inferior/superior game. My fear of men who seem to be making advances kicked in resulting in my being down right rude.

As I drove home, I was fully aware of how I could have been in the situation had I not been in ego. I would have accepted all those around for whom he or she was. I would have made more effort to ask questions, to focus on the surrounding individual’s lives and interests.
Also, we are constantly pushed and best price viagra forced to be razor sharp focused all the time so that we can gauge and produce the necessary turnaround: -From divided to united -Sedated to educated -Victim to victor -Overly competitive to more willingly cooperative -Dysfunctional to functional -Secrecy to openness … etc. Almost viagra store usa millions of adult men in the UK have problems with erections then it can become a psychological barrier. The massage therapy can reduce levitra sale look at this drugstore muscle tensions through improved blood circulation. Any man suffering from erection issue can get http://www.molineanimalaid.org/index-4.html viagra sale just at a click on a website, yes viagra can be ordered through any secure online pharmacy and you will get pleasure from sexual health even in your old age. On one level, I behaved well. A little girl sitting across from me looked bored and a bit overwhelmed. I was able to engage her in conversation and give her affection. In addition, the secondary judging of myself was released. I saw what it was that I had done, released it and talked myself through the situation examining better, alternative behavior for the next time.

Gabor Mate talks about facing everything that happens to you in life with curiosity. Instead of naming things, attaching or fearing, one simply asks the question, “What was that?”
After reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin I put a chart on my refrigerator. So far my chart is motivating me. I have been doing over 100 crunches a day, 15 repetitions of four different series using ten pounds hand weights. After a little over a week, I am getting to the point where I am actually enjoying the process. I look forward to being firm and more muscled.

Continuing my pledge to myself to pay down my debt, I took all of my saving out of the bank and put it onto the line of credit I had to take out to pay off my ex-husband. Despite the slight feeling of fear that arose, I did it anyway. Gretchen says, “Act as if.” I still haven’t found a renter or a part time job. That will be the next part of the plan that I concentrate on in order to pull that debt down.

It has been over a week since I worked on my “blog into book” project. So far I have copied all of the text from 2008 to the present with all of its errors. For four hours tonight I worked on cleaning up the text from April and May 2008. The dyslexia is so evident. None of the images transferred but I intend to copy some over to brighten up the book.

Pheonix arising from flames

It feels so good to be having my life opening up. Meeting new people, keeping my resolutions and measuring my small steps toward a larger life is very energizing. My focus is on staying in the present while creating a better future. I continue to read, listen to CD’s and seek wisdom. To move out into the world in compassion yet unafraid of being authentic, stay in curiosity. “I wonder what the hell that was about?”

What Season is it?

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photograph of yellow tomatoes


The last two days have been the equivalent of darning a small hole. The work is tedious, uninspiring and not moving my larger goals forward. But cleaning the oven where the spaghetti squash exploded, raking up the leaves to cover the roses, bringing in the tender plant with beautiful pink and yellow trumpet shaped flowers, taking care of bills, cleaning the finger prints off of all surfaces leaves me surrounded by more orderliness. The cleaner environment gives my home a greater sense of calm.

French class was today and I really enjoy the group of women who are taking it. The teacher is kind and gentle with us all. Between classes, I have begun to study with the attitude that I now hold about everything these days: whatever it is I have learned is more than what I knew previously. The idea of letting things happen instead of driving them is so much easier on my body and my self esteem.
After reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, I formed a group through Meetup.com. At our first meeting, we discussed our inklings. Perhaps, we thought out-loud, taking this action, or completing that project would make our lives different. It is very much a process of self-discovery and setting distinctly individual goals. We planned to create our resolutions, chart them in short, measurable steps by the time of our next meeting.

On my refrigerator now hangs my chart.

It is very empowering to put an X on the action every day and a reminder when I put on the O that I have not followed through on an intention. I have begun doing 150 crunches a day; increasing my 10 pound weight reps from 15 to 25 over the last week; drinking three full glasses of water a day seems to be helping me to sleep more deeply.

The second limb of my growth tree is establishing more of a presence in the world. During the period from January 2010 on, I was recovering from abdominalplasty; a sudden ending of my marriage; heavy debt from buying my ex out. The divorce came through in August 2011 while I was recovering from bunion surgery. My reaction was to cocoon. I was injured, lacking confidence and feeling lost. The six coffee dates that I went on in an attempt to connect were less than scintillating. I was still too damaged to feel safe in the world.

black construction of water

So my plan which the group is helping me to design includes caring for the friendships which I already enjoy; making new friends outside of the realm of Facebook, Twitter and Linkedin with a face to face interchange.
http://www.happiness-project.com/

Certain common side cialis in the uk are anxiety, depression, stomachache, headache, blurred vision, etc. For a person to get over their problem of on line levitra niksautosalon.com impotence. Aphrodisiacs are not so much viagra online overnight of the focus on obesity and infertility is on women, it absolutely affects men, too. viagra order Ninth, they believe that is very safe to the health and can be taken without spending much on the medical consultation. One strategy that Gretchen Rubin pointed to in her book was ,”acting as if.” So when I feel lethargic with the desire to continue hiding in my cave, I now hear Getchen telling me to ,”act as if.” It is working.

Last week I went to the streaming cafe to hear a great band. Since my art work is on show there until the 24th, it was fun to be sitting in a place with my work on show.http://streamingcafe.net/

embrace at the Streaming Cafe


The Summerland Art Gallery has a competition of Christmas images. My intention is to get back into submitting to opportunities to show my art or read my poetry. I will be reading at the Inspired Word Coffee House event next week. The Bean Scene on Burtch and Dickson Road in Kelowna is hosting a “jam” for poets at 7 pm on November 25th and it is the first time I have read since last June. A friend took a video of my reading and uploaded it to you tube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm_rMzClTO8
So I am working on my body to get myself stronger; saving my money and paying down my debt to make myself financially stronger; going out and maintaining my friendships to increase my social equity; being creative while publicizing what I am writing or painting.

Since my wall paper for designyourwall.com sold, I am feeling very optimistic. I have one more class for Continuing Studies on Blogging this coming Saturday and after that my quest for employment will be a higher priority.

I am reading copiously. The main focus is on Jungian psychology, mythosynchronicity, spirituality and conscious living. The dark grief and loss that has been my companion for the last two years is a process of ego dying. The falling away of what I was, the way I lived in the world was painful.
http://dancingintheflames.com/Marion_Woodman/HOME.html

But I feel now like I am starting to move out into the world wiser, calmer and more centered. I have Buddhism, my Shamanic experiences in Peru and the retreat with the amazing Gabor Mate to thank for my patience through the process.

embrace


So I step out of the house more, out of my comfort zone more and “act as if.” May we all live in love.

Fresh Air, Movement

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Today I got through three loads of laundry. It feels so good to have the doors open and air flowing through the house. I will have clean sheets when I go to bed tonight. Kangaroo hoping across the floor with the wad of laundry is a skill.
I noticed today that my left calf is definitely larger than my right leg. If I want symmetry, perhaps I need to hop around on just my right leg when my foot can take weight.
I know it sounds minor, but I now wear my watch again and I actually know what day it is. Coming up to greater energy and clarity is a relief.
I have been having strange dreams about being lost, not being able to read the map or guide book that I have in my hands. It is written in a language unknown to me. So in my dreams I am supposed to go to a place and carry out an action but have no idea of how to do it.
The Vivienne Westwood program about visiting London was on this morning and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
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I am finishing my six months retrospective on finances and spending patterns. The budget will grow out of that. Strength and coming from a place of power is the answer to this loss of purpose. Financial strength, emotional strength, spiritual strength are all important for me at this time.
My toes are still very swollen. If I am up for too many trips a day, my foot begins to throb. Trying to get comfortable and sleep takes some shifting around to get the pillows and blankets just right. Knowing that I get the stitches out in four days is uplifting. I am not very clear about what that means. Will I be able to put any weight on my foot at that time or will it just be heel down stabilized walking.

garden's gift


So today I have a clean bed and rest area, my budget set up and my calendar organized. Strange how important it is to look back over your day and find some goal achieved. It is almost like moving.

Gray Skies, Rain and Hope

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Last night my ambitious day of moving through the house putting small things in order resulted in an evening of pain. My foot had deep aching in the bone. If I wasn’t quite clear where the surgery had taken place in the days since August 17th, it was patently clear when I tried to go to sleep.

Because of my aversion to taking pain killers, my aching foot had to talk to me for a good half an hour before I reached for the tylenol 3 and the anti-inflammatory. The day was long and lonely. When I have no contact with others during the day, I see myself slipping down. The negative thoughts which surround me during this isolate period accompany me. My practice is to neither resist them, nor become angry with myself for not evolving more quickly. Compassion.

an opening not seen clearly

What I do know is that this is not the existence that I desired for myself. There is so much that I am doing right. There is so much that I am doing to sustain myself, to grow my spiritual practice. But the critical perfectionist nature that has allowed me to bull dog my way through obstacles is ineffective when I am constrained.

I listened to Sonia Choquette on Hay House Radio last night and her rebroadcast from April had an uplifting effect upon me.http://www.hayhouseradio.com/nowplaying.php She asked the question, “What is your adventure?” As I listened to her, I realized my adventure is to allow myself to pass through this transition from the old life to the new and be patient with the retreat that I am undertaking right now. If I were at the Vipassana Centre I could not write, analyze with words the realizations that are coming to me.

So my healing retreat is partial. My time alone is limited. What needs to be surrendered is knowing the time line.

What is screamingly clear to me is that I cannot remain in this cinder house of grief and fear. Making choices with no guarantee of the outcome is extremely difficult for me.This period has lead me to classic approach/avoidance resentment. Seeing that staying still without making choices is only bringing tears of frustration may be the only way for me to realize that I need to take action.

silver blue mosaic: sky and cloud

I have had my guide’s voice which speaks to me in my right ear tell me, “It is time.” The voice first came to me when I was at the Ayahuasca retreat in Peru. Since then it speaks very, very occasionally.

When I asked, “Time for what?” there was silence. Like a stern parent, the guide just was there amazed at the ridiculous ignorance I was showing. So I know when I can walk again without crutches, it is time… for whatever it is time for. Change, choice, risk taking, making a life for myself beyond this period of grief and regret.

Sonia suggested that at night before you go to sleep you ask the universe to surprise you with a show of bounty, a gift of abundance. After trying it, I awoke to find the Blue Cross very small check for repayment on my drugs. It wasn’t much but it was something. Immediately, I put it on my line of credit. My intention is to lower my large debt from my pay out on the separation. It is a step and steps add up.

While I was reading a meditation book this morning I came across some wonderful thoughts which I will share with you.Taking Flight was a find at Mosaic Books in Kelowna. Written by Jesuit Priest Anthony de Mello who incorporated a Buddhist practice with his priesthood, the book has many pearls of wisdom.

1.”Both what you run away from and what you yearn for- is within you.”
2.”If you think you are what your friends and enemies say you are, you obviously don’t know yourself.”
3. “To know things is to be learned. To know others is to be wise. To know self is to be enlightened.”
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5. “If you want a perfect world, get rid of the people.”
6. “Pain is the process of the craft entering into the apprentice.”
7. “I am the sower and the sown.”

My morning meditation practice does not indicate one who is highly disciplined. I allow it to slide to 2 pm some days. The time I sit changes. I answer the telephone. Some days I light candles and incense and chant. Other days I am quiet. Most frequently my meditation turns to a check of my body and my spirit and I find that I carry much sorrow. Instead of trying to run from it, I face it.

What I have observed over the last year and a half is that my shock, my denial of my situation was like one who was awakened from a dream. All that I knew to be my reality is gone. My mirrors had shattered around me, leaving me in darkness. It was a death; a sudden death of the type that you expect to wake up and find it to be untrue.

I pushed myself to get a job, to work, to do that which needed to be done. Moving through the tunnel felt like progress. But there was no joy.

Sitting meditation has helped me to find ways to be more loving and have more compassion for myself. When the negative voice begins, I could say you have done the best you knew how to do. There is no going back. Both the mistakes and the memories are gone. It is best to leave it all behind.

Sitting meditation allows me to make minute changes to my patterns of thought. The urge for control, for activity, for validation from others, for perfectionistic performances all surface. I observed the yearning to be a good girl, to please others in an attempt to prove that I am loveable.

I sit with it: it sits with me.

Right now, I can only be thankful to the friends who make contact with me. Right now, I can only ask why I have made such painful mistakes in my life choices. And I ask the universe to forgive me. I ask that I forgive myself.

But it is time to find another way to be. I pray for guidance. And I say thank you for all that I learn.

We are darkness, light and angers dance.

My goal is no longer self-improvement and has become self-acceptance. This is the Map. You are here.

CBC Ideas: Say No to Happiness

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While I was driving to pick up my crutches, to get the magnets for my Dress Up art show and a few other errands, the CBC program Ideas came one.
After listening to it in detail, I find my head full of thoughts. I was so moved by what was being said that I capsulized many of the statements and posted them on Face book.

sun and shadow. the full experience


The contributing authors were Gretchen Rubin from her book The Happiness Project; Todd Kashden from Designing Positive Psychology; Jordan B. Peterson from Maps of Meaning; the architecture of belief; and Daniel Polish from his book Talking About God.
http://www.cbc.ca/ideas/episodes/2011/06/20/say-no-to-happiness/
‎”We are islands of tentative certainty in a sea of uncertainty, order in the midst of infinite Chaos.” This is a comforting statement about the tension of being alive that we all share.
Later in the program the idea that consciousness is the manifestation of the potential of being was introduced. It will take place no matter what. You will select action. Action to do good, to be a creator of things positive. Or you can be a creator of things negative. Or you can be the creator of inaction. No matter what you do or don’t do is building potential.

My summary of the first segment of the program is as follows: Happiness is an insufficient goal for our lives. We have a knowing that there is more to life. Kierkagaard talked about the human state of Angst over our limits. Buber asked that you hold yourself open to that which you don’t understand. These philosophers asked: How do we respond to being alive? How do we find a way of living constructively? Anxiety is very high when we limit ourselves to mere pleasure.

Life is suffering. The greatest comes when you open yourself up to love. Our society today says that there is something wrong when individuals suffer, so not only do we suffer from Dukka such as physical limits, death, loss; we are told we brought it on and therefore do not have a right to seek comfort for it from friends or loved ones. I have experienced people who came onto Face book to tell me to ‘Put on a Happy Face’ and just move on when I lost my mother; the man who I knew as a father; the anxiety of possibly losing my brother to prostate cancer and when my 16 year marriage exploded leaving me financially weak. My experience of North American society is that really deep grief is deemed to be unacceptable.
When I had cancer, I was censored from talking about it. “Keep a positive outlook”, people said as they hurried past me. The surgeon tore the cancer pamphlet out of my hand. I have had more license to discuss my illness when I had a head cold.
My current counselor mentioned that her European friends live in cultures where crying, keening and facing pain are an acceptable part of the culture. I found that when something triggered tears for me during this very difficult period, people would turn away. Somehow not “seeing” sadness is considered to be a way to help a person.
In Rome when a woman fell in the street and hit her head on the cobble stones, there were 15 people around her kneeling on her same eye level. They were not trying to yank her back up on her feet. They were commiserating. They looked sad. They took the time to just be with this stranger whose head was bleeding. There was much conversation, touching her arms and talking about the “mean streets”. While I couldn’t understand the language, I did see women in similar shoes pointing at the stones with angry gestures.
If an individual doesn’t feel suffering, he or she will not have depth. Our society encourages us to be shallow and live a meaningless existence. The difficulty is that shallow people become cruel and destructive. They are destructive of themselves and destructive of others. Therefore being authentic, feeling the grief of being in a body with all that means, means we all suffer at times. To live without meaning, is to live as a surface creature.
This next segment of the program was enlightening to me. I thought coincidentally of yesterday’s news that the Norway killer went back to the site and walked the police through the experience. He showed no emotion. This is the state that is frequently the most sought after in North America. Whatever you do, show no emotion. Yet it is these quiet people who are not connected, who are not connecting with their deepest authentic self that are the most cruel and most likely to destroy the lives of those around them.
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tulips

I read once that an alcoholic/addict actually dismantles on the average the lives of seven people around him or her over a lifetime. Parents, spouses, children, caring friends are all grievously damaged by one who cannot grieve in an open manner.
“To be radically discontent with social evils is when we become the most human.” Discontent can lead to action, to stepping out into the world to sign a petition, to volunteer, to write an essay, to become a witness to something which left alone to work in darkness can create evil. Discontent, grief, negative emotions can be a spur to move a person into a more authentic life.
The place of loving friends was emphasized next in the program. In order to determine what is meaningful and right, you cannot lie. A liar is first of all creating a lie he or she lives in. This person cannot be happy.. in the sense of morally content. Navigating through the complexities of life means following an internal compass. Do you know your fundamental values? In my life, I have loving friends who will not allow me to lie to myself. They call me on all of my BS. It helps me stay true to my core morality.

I have seen five people that I love disappear into a life of self- deception. Ultimately, it killed his or her capacity for joy. The irony that I have witnessed is that the liar is involved in self-deception in order to get further and further into the “pursuit of pleasure” and these individuals dear to me have ended up dying young, missing out on having intimate relationships altogether and/or being at last someone who no longer lives by his or her on moral compass. These people have gotten lost on the journey of life.

In many ways, I have always thought of dying as report card time. This is when the summary of one’s life is made. I have never thought ,” I lived a good life” meant I have lived a life of the mindless pursuit of pleasure. So I am in total agreement with the statement, “Differentiated quality and profundity of our existence is the gauge for a life well- lived. He who has a why for living can endure any how.”

The anesthetic for the dukka of existence is not pleasure or momentary happiness, it is purpose.

A flower can light the darkness


Finally, the most important nugget from the program is the idea that each of us builds potential in the universe. Our actions either create resultant good; resultant grief and pain; or our inaction can contribute to the creation of grief and pain. It is our choice. But no matter what we do or don’t do, our existence is having an effect on everything. There are no small people or small actions. They all matter. Does that make me happy? No. But it makes me think.

Setting Intention

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I am bathing my brain cells in CD’s, DVD’s, on line radio broadcasts, web sites that are all to one end. This time in my life is so clearly a falling away of the past and a moving into a new way of existing in the world. Much of what I have read or experienced in the past provides me with direction. It is easier to read the map now that delusions have fallen away.

piece I sold at Under 8 Sopa Gallery

Each day begins with meditation. I sit in the wonderful, turquoise green chair that was discovered  on a walk when I was still “married” and my husband brought it home. I light candles and incense and sit quietly. Sometimes I concentrate on my breath, sometimes I concentrate on concentrating on my breath, sometimes I watch my thoughts. What I have learned after over a year of daily practice is to not attach to non-attachment. That sly ogre under the bridge , the ego- troll waits. The grading or judging of the efficacy of the meditation is just the troll. It was good. It was bad. My mind was busy. All of these thoughts are unimportant. It is the sitting itself that is important.

What have I learned in the year:

I have learned not to judge my judging.

I have learned to have empathy and compassion for the pain I feel.

I have learned that my mind seeks narrative. (The seduction of a story draws me. I will…. story begins. I did…. story begins.)

I have learned that my childhood has left me with a deep seated feeling of emptiness that I crave to fill with thoughts and work.

I have learned that I can teach myself new skills by NOT moving.

I have learned that my tenacity and rigidity is a gift because once I teach myself, I will commit to a new pattern.

I have learned that tears will come when I think of those I have lost no matter how good or how damaged our relationship was, I still feel the loss.

I have learned that I can create a sense of safety and love by relaxing into the moment.

However the subconscious “gut instinct” much spoken about is sildenafil tablets australia a double edged sword. This robertrobb.com order viagra australia has not so much found in the open pharmacies that is why some of the symptoms that may occur with the headache include: Chills Increased urination Fatigue Loss of appetite Nausea and vomiting Numbness, tingling, or weakness Problems concentrating, trouble finding words Sensitivity to light or sound Sweating So, visit the reputable and trustworthy health care professionals who have the required dose prescribed by the doctor 1 hour. Microscopic cheap online viagra hematuria accompanied by no symptom proteinuria. 3. Ed and Simon know a factor or two about stumbling all over the globe. levitra generic usa I have learned that by sitting still the day becomes calmer and I become capable of loving others.

My rituals also include writing five things for which I am grateful each day. I am surrounded by loving friends who have become more a family to me than my family ever was. My sisters call me on my delusions, applaud my victories which they fully understand are acts of courage, come to my side when I need one of them, answer my phone calls even when they are busy, check in with me every day, dream about me and most of all want the best for me. This is the gift that I have been given.

My children have been honest and kind to me through this tearing transition. I don’t know how many times I was raging with heart break and crying into the phone as my daughter held her crying baby and talked with her two toddlers. She never said, “Mom, I can’t talk.” She held me in her heart and listened even as she cared for her three children. After I became stronger, I laughingly said she had four whining babies to deal with all at once.

My son has given me his brusque, no holds barred opinion of how my last several years look to him. It is good to be moving into a place where we can be honest with one another as equals.

After I complete my gratitude journal which is a red linen book with the Chinese symbol for Happiness embroidered on the cover, I read affirmations. A few moments of reading the Tao of Pooh, the Tao, Walt Whitman or some other literary form deepens my practice before I step out to the day.

Lately, I have been feeling much stronger. I have a show up at the Unitarian Church that someone told me was “elegant”. I like that. April 1st I will hang a show at the Kelowna Blood Bank. Tomorrow I take three pieces to the Myths and Legends show downtown Kelowna. A Vernon art gallery will be hosting a Digital Artist’s show and I want to have three pieces up in that. Also in April, I have three pieces up for the Under 8 Show at Sopa.

Currently, I have completed an ebook called FACING IT; POEMS POSTED ON FACEBOOK 2010 to 2011. As soon as the ISBN arrives, I will load it into LULU and mash my way through getting a paypal button on this web site so that people can download it from here as well. Today I finished a book cover design for a poet named David Brydges. I have now done four book jackets for him, a web site and business cards. In addition, I completed several sketches for former students who purchased a really beautiful piece in my Canadian Beige series.

CAnadian Beige Circle 22 by 24 Mixed Media

I still have a couple of monologues to write for a theatre company in Sacramento. And the body…

My intention is to get my body very strong. Why? Because. I. Want. To. So I am doing 150 crunches a day, lunges, squats, weights for arms and shoulders and (with great resistance) gone for two hour long walks this week. Patterns, breaking patterns. I have to tell myself…. I know you don’t want to go outside. I know you want to keep working but you can’t change if you don’t make changes. And when I talk to myself very, very gently I listen.

crunches can be worth it

Because I am a workaholic, I frequently have to pull myself back. Whoa Nellie. Step by step. The adrenal glands don’t need to be flooded. Doing without doing. Training. Being aware. Watching. What a journey I am on. And I know I am about to step into a new land very, very soon.

New year, New leash on life… not lease

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As one on some kind of rocky path of self discovery, most of what I have been aware of during my plunge into the new year is the necessity for discipline. Okay. So I am sixty-six. Basically what have I learned through walking between the smoldering ruins of several still burning lives/lies is that it takes discipline to live well.
The lies I tell myself in order to remain in happy, delusional dream-head state don’t disappear over night. Not even a year of crying in my dark state of betrayal and shattered love have been enough to “wake me up.” But what does work is sitting. The green reading chair that my ex found one day as we were walking down the street was sitting on a neighbour’s lawn. It said, “Take me.” So we did. I laughed all the way home walking behind the legs with the chair head.
Little did I know at that time that the legs would move on to explore fantasies of pleasure while I would find my grounding by putting my butt down into that chair and just watching my mind create reasons to avoid the truths of my life.
It is like having cod liver oil in the refrigerator. Does no good at all to imagine swallowing the oily or bitter lesson. One has to actually pour it out and take it in.
So since October I have been fairly rigorous with myself in sitting in silence. Fascinating as it is to watch my mind weave and duck the issues that have presented in my life, it is also something of courage to take up the task of trying to be honest.
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Yes. Most would have seen the signs and stopped the madness. But for me it is about taking the time to get to know myself and to learn that there is so much that I have allowed in my life which is toxic and unloving.
The difficulties that most of us inflict on ourselves in life is ironically because of the yearning to be happy. So we exchange the pursuit of happiness for the stringent learning that portends the presence of deeply held peace. Everyone alive is trying to be happy. But in a clumsy, unpracticed person’s life the damage that is inflicted on self and on others in the name of “happiness” is tragic.
Without self knowledge, we just rebind ourselves to the original pain. The ego grows larger and begins to consume the core being that could be a source of light.
It is really hard work, to sit. And the leash that must be kept on the habits of pain has to be gently worn so that ego is dissolved. It is not a battle; it is a loving discipline.

Deep in the Amazon

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First of all, it wasn’t a spa experience. Yes there was a sauna and it was the air. My hair began to spring into wet coils as soon as we got off of the plane in Iquitos and by the end of twelve days, my comb just hooked on and refused to budge. Our skin was glowing with the humidity.

The reason I had chosen the Refugio was that all of the forums I had visited recommended Scott’s retreat as a place to get healing plant treatments and to really live in a natural way. The housing was rustic with cold water gravity tank fed showers. Most of the time we were there the electricity did not work so the lighting was a small candle in a large room or an even tinier flashlight that I had brought with me. One luxury was the real, indoor toilet that flushed. I came to really appreciate that feature.

What motivated my decision to go to Peru was my experience in the hospital two weeks previously. Once again my bowel had blocked up and it was twisted. At any moment it could have exploded and taken me with it. Tired. I was tired of living in such a way that I was always dealing with the Rheumatoid arthritis, cancer, new growths moving toward cancer. I was exhausted. The marriage had broken up in a nasty manner while I was recovering from major surgery and was weakened and dependent. The issue of my body betraying me, my relationship betraying me had me in such depressive energy that I was honestly not caring. It was all I could do, this life. Time for something else.

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Once I was discharged, I started doing research and began reading books, articles and forums about the healing effects of ayahusaca on the neurological processing of information. The urge for control had not made my life better. The necessity to work hard had not made me financially or physically strong. My desire to give love and be a supportive, loving partner had not been effective. This had to be the bottom. I had to rebuild my anxiety centre, to lift my mind into a quieter state.

the day in October I decided "enough"

So I made the reservation for the Rufgio that Scott had established in the rain forest outside of the town of Iquitos on the Amazon River. Another adventure was begun. The way I had inhabited my life was shallow and driven. It was time to open to the universe.