Deep in the Amazon

First of all, it wasn’t a spa experience. Yes there was a sauna and it was the air. My hair began to spring into wet coils as soon as we got off of the plane in Iquitos and by the end of twelve days, my comb just hooked on and refused to budge. Our skin was glowing with the humidity.

The reason I had chosen the Refugio was that all of the forums I had visited recommended Scott’s retreat as a place to get healing plant treatments and to really live in a natural way. The housing was rustic with cold water gravity tank fed showers. Most of the time we were there the electricity did not work so the lighting was a small candle in a large room or an even tinier flashlight that I had brought with me. One luxury was the real, indoor toilet that flushed. I came to really appreciate that feature.

What motivated my decision to go to Peru was my experience in the hospital two weeks previously. Once again my bowel had blocked up and it was twisted. At any moment it could have exploded and taken me with it. Tired. I was tired of living in such a way that I was always dealing with the Rheumatoid arthritis, cancer, new growths moving toward cancer. I was exhausted. The marriage had broken up in a nasty manner while I was recovering from major surgery and was weakened and dependent. The issue of my body betraying me, my relationship betraying me had me in such depressive energy that I was honestly not caring. It was all I could do, this life. Time for something else.

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Once I was discharged, I started doing research and began reading books, articles and forums about the healing effects of ayahusaca on the neurological processing of information. The urge for control had not made my life better. The necessity to work hard had not made me financially or physically strong. My desire to give love and be a supportive, loving partner had not been effective. This had to be the bottom. I had to rebuild my anxiety centre, to lift my mind into a quieter state.

the day in October I decided "enough"

So I made the reservation for the Rufgio that Scott had established in the rain forest outside of the town of Iquitos on the Amazon River. Another adventure was begun. The way I had inhabited my life was shallow and driven. It was time to open to the universe.

Restructuring

I am repainting the home studio and trying to move out that which we do not need. My goal is to create a clean, spare, organized space. There is too much chaos in my life. Too much heaviness. Too much confusion. I can do something about objects.

Focusing on the art business, through reading library books, ordering information on line and looking at what others are doing, is also happening right now. Relearning the same lessons, rechurning the same issues. I am beyond restless with the becalmed feeling.

I have been reading Thich Nah Han about anger lately. There is so much to do when anger and frustration arises. Sitting down and breathing through it. “Take care of your anger. It is your baby.” One can almost hear his voice speaking.

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Where is freedom? Perhaps in wisdom. Perhaps in my working through my expectations and disappointments.

Life is always interesting, is it not?