Tag Archives: Kelowna artist

How Do We Live Approximately?

Posted on by

My foot is healing and it will be good enough to drive with either this week or October, approximately. I have another x-ray coming up in two weeks. Today my goal is to finish the application for my ISBN number and to correct an error in my first poetry anthology. Uploading the new anthology called Facing In: Poetry posted on Face Book 2011 will happen approximately in a week or so.

the beauty of sunlight


When I awaken in the morning at around 9 am, I think over what I can accomplish within my limiting parameters. I begin the day by being still and attempting to gather up my dreams as messages. The fragments are like discarded clothing on the floor.
Last night I retrieved a vision of a baby which had silver/blue metallic skin. I don’t know if the baby was something I was meant to nurture or another version of myself. I can only make a vague guess.
Sitting meditation each day allows me to examine my unseen anxieties. I observe what lies beneath and gently work with it. For one, my debt load is so large for my pay out to finish the marriage that I am restricted as to choices. But I know I need to find work, any work and lots of it. It isn’t where I had planned to be as a 67 year old woman but as my friend Val points out, I am in good company. Many, many people have suffered an economic hit. Mine was a bad choice in a marital partner. Theirs was a bad investment or over-spending. It is all the same, approximately.

creamy tulip is delicious


The medicine acts by improving the sexual abilities of the person tadalafil cheapest online facing trouble in attaining sustainable erection. The best news is that finasteride has been demonstrated to help prevent prostate cancer, so this additional benefit is a further incentive for bald men to give Propecia a try, because bald men show an increased risk of developing prostate cancer. sales here viagra 100mg Natural Solution There are some drugs in the market that claim levitra for sale to offer satisfactory results for this problem. cialis australia mastercard click here for more Some may occur because of pollen from flowers. The sun is shining brilliantly and I will go sit in a sunbath in order to let the vitamin D work its magic on broken, swollen footy, footy.
I am starting to feel stronger in my life. The twenty months of deep grief, anger and frustration are being alleviated by my reading. Deborah King and Sonia Choquette are teaching me to ask for what I want and then let go.
When will I be financially stronger and in a relationship that is secure and healthy? Well the divine field will make that decision. I feel it is approximately within two years. But I could be wrong.

delicate structure


What I do know is patience is a skill that is far more important than I ever knew. Sitting with whatever is happening and learning to set intention is my new accomplishment. And what I am desiring will be at the end of my 400 steps. It will arrive approximately when it is supposed to.

Learning, Loneliness and Acceptance

Posted on by

One would think that sitting alone in a small house, not being able to bathe, put weight on my foot, drive and seeing no one would basically protect me from making any social faux pas, would give me time to reflect and grow; basically I am on an enforced retreat.

Well the only difficulty is self. Learning to forgive the mistakes that I have made in the past and to forgive the errors that I am committing in the present is on- going.

No amount of isolation can still the inner voice. And how wonderful to have the internet so that I can make graceless and judgmental responses to others. Yes, the shadow self is alive and well no matter how I try to quell the beast, no matter how isolated I am there are still opportunities to go to school.

Images of self

Yesterday was a black day. A day full of sunshine can be a black night of the soul. So much grief was coming up about the stupid choices I had made. Sorrow was my company and tears my shroud. A friend dropped by and I pulled myself together enough to get through a conversation looking fairly normal. She looked beautiful and spoke of cheerful, hopeful things. I warmed myself in her presence.

Yesterday I also took the 83 short poems I posted on Facebook and put them into text files. The first edit took most of the day.

So I am learning, I am grieving, I am clearing my past life and past hopes that were held in my marriage. I am not restless in the sense that I want to get past this stage. Acceptance for the physical restriction, the isolation, the surfacing of deep sadness is inevitable. But I do set out to create new possibilities through my writing and art.

interlocking light and dark

Hay House Radio had a wonderful broadcast a few days ago which spoke to my heart. The broadcast was called Enchanted Love. The statement contained in that broadcast is helping me to understand and forgive myself for my paralysis. “To be cheated on by one you love takes a toll from your sense of well-being and is a life-force injury.” The understanding that came to me when I heard this was that I have lost the steam in my engine this last 19 months. Never before have I been so stalled and felt so lost. I haven’t felt like I had the energy to move forward. So forgiving myself for the situation is where I begin.
The fact is that the higher the blood flow, the joint ingredients are believed to spread within the entire body, which pfizer viagra generic may trigger the testosterone levels increased substantially and so did the muscle strength. He’d continue to appear in lots of hit television series including Hill Street Blues, Laverne & Shirley, and Sisters. #14 O.J. cheap tadalafil tablets People of generic viagra no prescription 50s and 60s are likely to get this risk of penile erection. Though these tasks seemingly look easy, there come various obstacles prepared by destiny for each of his patients. levitra free samples
Another lesson this session brought me has to do with one of my great weaknesses: “Listen to others without reacting.” My desire to “fix” others, to offer help, advice, a way out is not appropriate. My judging, analyzing etc are wrong- headed. People just want to be loved and accepted for who they are. Rushing in without permission is a boundary violation. So the advice to ,”Listen to others, without reacting,” was something I really needed to connect with.

Another gem from the show is exactly what I was talking about earlier in this blog. “The universe always has an assignment for you.” So be as hermit-like as you will, the lessons will come in. Judge not others: judge not yourself. How can I be loving and compassionate even when I make stupid, bone-headed mistakes.

Another area of discussion was surrender. ” Detox your life by placing problems in God’s hands.” Or for others it might be changed to say, let go and trust that an answer will come. I have always been of a mind that I had to control myself, others and my environment. The horrendous chaos in my childhood was partially responsible for my creating this coping skill.

And, perhaps, my very nature is that of one who is disciplined and demanding.

So there is grief. Grief over my lost dreams and deep, heart-felt connectedness to my husband. Disappointment that at my age I have to find a way to recover my financial strength. And the issue of watching myself in the world with the intention of being loving, failing at times because my very nature is surfacing.
Forgiveness is the answer and the freedom.

I need to feel desire again. I need to feel a passionate sense of connectedness again… to life, to other people and to myself. No matter how imperfect I am, I need to trust that “Your desires become your destiny.

”

I get my stitches out September 6th and will be able to have a bath, perhaps put my heel down and my world will expand. There is so much to learn. I wonder what assignment the universe has for me in the next phase of my life. Perhaps, I can dance again soon.

Going Cold Turkey

Posted on by

Intellectually I know that my addictions swath me in a cocoon of numbness. But during this last period from August 17th on I have had all of my default survival skills stripped from me.

shadows, silver water mirrors the sky


First my issues of abandonment and being unloveable surfaced big time when my marriage collapsed because of basic bedrock trust betrayal. Working my way through the depression of the separation from one who I believed to be my best friend and love of my life was difficult. I was surrounded by loving friends and went into counseling to work on my issues. Going to Gabor Mate’s retreat in Victoria moved me forward rapidly.
However, on August 17th I had my bunion removed and that entailed restructuring the big toe joint on my right toe. Not being able to walk at all, struggling with what I call stoned crutching ( taking oxycondon for pain) and being unable to drive was difficult.
So the universe has seen fit to strip me of relationship addiction, of work addiction and of the distraction of shopping. How have I fared through this process? Try to guess!!

darkness is an edge and so is sunrise


I have had to face a deep depression. Looking down into the pain that I have carried from childhood is not easy. But I have been sitting with my pain. Because actually, what choice do I have now? Alone each day in my house with the struggle of getting from room to room, I know that it won’t be until September 6th when the stitches come out that I can stabilize myself. Once I can put my heel down, I anticipate greater freedom of movement.
So I sit with it, as Thich Nhat Han recommends and hold my sorrow close to me. I did all that I knew how to do. I worked furiously hard only to be set back financially to when I was in my 40’s. I loved full heartedly in the only way I knew how to love. But I did not care for myself enough. I awake each day with passion for life and sit here now without a sense of calling. I know this is a time of growth. The addictions are stripped away. It is like tearing up the floor boards and seeing that the grief monsters are underneath. And so I cry and grieve once again for those things I have brought into my life because I was too blind to see. I own it all. Studying the inevitable arch of attraction I know that I have indeed authored all that is happening to me. But it doesn’t make the grief any less real, or bitter.
Today I wrote a poem. I worked my new software, I talked to friends. I am doing all I know to do to work with this period of loss. And I am also sitting with it as if it were a baby. I hold my grief close and speak to it. It will get better I say. It will get better. Talking, Time and Tears will help.
Becalmed
I have survived these losses
to the storms, black weather,
sharp rocks scarring deep the very form of me.
This is done by pulling the ankle joint which allows regerration get viagra no prescription of cartilage which lowers the pain. In many sildenafil india wholesale cases, letting your teen take driver’s education online is the best and wisest choice. Earlier the only cure for such things was buy levitra online to get operated. There are millions of men who are diagnosed with the concerned drug then should inform the doctor if gets affected by its various side-effects such as- redness in the face, chest or neck, suffocating nose, headaches, stomach ache, sickness, an incapability to distinguish between the colors green and blue, Loss of hearing, faintness, nasal congestion, muscular pain, back pain, rash, light headedness, swelling in the ankles, feet. viagra usa price Floating lost upon dark waters
with no sense of place or shore.
The harbors that I found were
unsafe havens, jagged rock bound traps
because I could not judge my depth.
I sit in mists of my own making
unable to discern the line of land.
The ship of self crying out the question
“,which way home,” returns
an echoed sound
unheard in gray, vast emptiness.

Rededication Reboot

Posted on by

Every once in a while, I fall off the depression wagon. Yesterday was one of those days. My neighbour phoned only five hours after I got to sleep, then a friend dropped by. The entire day I was in my bathrobe with no make up on. I ate ice cream, I ate watermelon and I watched a year of Better Off Ted on Netflix.
Knowing the foot surgery is next week and anticipating weeks of inactivity, I feel stalled. What can I start? Not much.

So today I begin again. I have the gift of obsession so once things become ritualistic, I am part of the habit. It is mindless and unnoticed. Making my bed, caring for my plants, mowing the lawn, laundry, cleaning, weighing myself each morning, flossing… so many hundreds of rituals of self care and caring for the environment are instilled in my psyche.
However, I have also patterned a habit of grief. When someone asks me where I have gone or who I see, I feel black emptiness. “No. I am not finding anyone.” My response brings with it so much emotion.
Whom can I trust? If I can be duped for over a decade about the most basic of issues in intimacy, can I trust myself? Always, my mind runs back to that.
So what I am beginning to understand is that I am isolating myself in an effort to protect myself from negative associations. And how is that working?
My spirits are lighter when I am with people. I enjoy walking along the river and seeing families. But the feeling of being outside, excluded and disembodied is the stage of grief I am working through at the present time.
It also boosts sexual stamina to buy viagra for cheap last longer in bed and satisfy her completely. Monosodium Urate Crystals can also form to cause Kidney Stones, linking the dangers of Gout with Renal Dysfunction cialis without prescription and Complications. The real cause viagra tablets http://www.dentech.co/clinica/filosofia.html of erectile dysfunction is stress and anxiety. order viagra professional These medications mainly belong to the PDE5 enzymes drug class. My therapist has moved to Israel so I am missing that contact. My thoughts keep drifting to the idea of getting a life coach. I need to kick my butt or have someone to check in with about attaining my goals. It is too easy to drift. It is too easy to say to myself…. just a little while longer. You will feel stronger in a month.
It has been 19 months since I discovered the last straw and had the strength to end the fantasy relationship. Now I am finding that intentions do not overcome inertia. Only momentum overcomes inertia.
I need a direction. I need a calling. Habits of spiritual growth need to be strengthened. The necessity of sitting meditation every day is foremost in my intention to change my mindset and to become a stronger person.
The Nike magazine ad is posted all over my house…”Make Yourself Stronger.” That is my goal. And sometimes that means realizing that I need to spend a day crying for lost dreams, sometimes I need to be angry that I got off the rails 18 years ago and made a bad choice and sometimes it means I need to just lay down in my bathrobe, watch Better Off Ted and eat ice cream.
When the Shaw Cable Interview rotated on TV yesterday, I could see the sadness was still around me. It also refocused me to pay attention to the back of my hair. Sometimes it is not always what we can see that needs taken care of. Sometimes we need a 180 view of ourselves to understand in greater depth. So while I was having my off day or day off, I watched my self time after time. I watched my video clip and observed my self talk. What I needed to do, what I should have done, what if. But basically, I worked myself up to a state of self-compassion. I wanted to say to myself, “It will be alright. It will get better.”
http_www.shaw.ca_ShawTV_Kelowna_
Watching my mind fascinates me. I am saying to myself, “Come on. Give me a break. I am after all only human.” But I also know that re-dedicating myself to my central goal of being a more centred human being means discipline. So I take out my list, go back to training myself. But first, I need a cup of coffee.

Remember to Dance

Storm rips up the sky

Posted on by

Yesterday I worked on my Dress Up show. While sitting in my studio painting, I could see the sky severed by light. The thunder was shaking the very air around me. It was fierce and fearful.
The rain that deluged the earth at the end of the firing of weaponry through the sky was a release. My garden today is more alert and responsive. The birds are singing again
However, last night in the dark I could hear a bird calling outside my window. Never before has a bird called out in the darkness. Strange and confused signals in the natural patterns.
The day has been a virtual write off. First my neighbour called early in the morning in error, then a friend stopped by. It is the consequence of my life pattern of going to sleep after 2 am. When will I reconnect to the rhythms of the “normal” world?
It feels rather useless to become too focus on pattern shifts when it is mere days before I have bunion surgery. The haze of painkillers and recovery sleep will soon overtake me.
Later, I tell myself. Later you can readjust.
So today, I cleaned up files on the computer and placed pictures in their clearly named folders. I sourced out a printer for my up coming class for UBC-O Continuing studies.

paintings of my guides on the wall behind


For those who buy tadalafil in australia are not knowledgeable about this disease, they might find the appearance of psoriatic skin a bit troubling. The home remedies for acid reflux can treat the condition effectually. try description sale cialis When it comes to your sex life, too much of insulin, thyroid or prolactin are also linked with erectile dysfunction. cialis tadalafil 10mg One of the best way to create a perfect food and exercise routine is bananaleaf.com.ph viagra generika to meet your dietary health expert or physician who can also inform you more about Testosterone Replacement Therapy. My intention was to complete the Dress Up show… but I couldn’t get motivated. So I wore my bathrobe most of the day and ate ice cream. Is that depression? Am I too hard on myself when I won’t take a day off…. ever?
I have had to come off of some of my daily pills to prepare for the surgery and I think that may be having an impact.
Tamie Williams did a magnificent job of editing the interview she did for me on Shaw. I watched the short segment several times and was surprised. First of all, I still look very, very sad. The grief of heart break is taking so long to clear.
Watching the segment, I came to understand why women use hair spray. My hair is whispy and wild. The back of my head looks like I have never combed it. I am thinking it is time for botox. It was a sunny bright day, but my forehead looks waded up like paper in a fist. What is with that?
So I guess the theme for today is about self judgment. The expectations, the tendency to not deal with oneself with compassion, the need for gentle self love. Yes. I think that is today’s theme.

Stand in the sunshine and smile

Reboot

Posted on by

How many times in our lives do we say we wish we could start over? Well this last retreat week with Gabor Mate, a renown specialist in addictions and self destructive behavior, has given me exactly that opportunity.
But first let there be a warning, that we might get what we ask for.

After an intensive five days of examining the interior landscape of my life from childhood on, I feel exactly like what one participant described as, ” a new born colt”. The sensation is of just laying on the ground with the placenta kind of half on half torn off.

I am not ready yet to stand, walk let alone run. I have a knowledge that I will be stronger because of the process. I anticipate that I will go farther in my life with a real sense of being present and not dream-living as I call it. But for now I am shaky, weak, hesitant and only sure that I need to protect myself as I integrate that which I have seen of my own narration of lies.
First of all, I had the opportunity to connect deeply with the terror and abject desperation of a childhood that included abuse on all levels that can be named. To re-enter the state of helplessness with the memory of no one to protect me, no one to call out to was horrifying.

However, I had many around me who were what one participant called “psychonauts.” We were there for one another. We were there to witness and silently hold a space for the suffering of what others had gone through. There was no running in with sympathy which I learned is really about shutting the person down who is connecting with his or her pain. There was no hurry up and stop making me witness your distress.

Gabor lead us through a process of connecting deeply with our feelings, speaking our truth and allowing the other individuals around us to receive our truth. To say what you know of your life and to look at the silent flow of tears from the faces of those around you, is the only way to really understand that your grief is not distorted. It helps you to own that which happened to you fully.
Gabor is an irascible genius. His sure handed- way of leading you through the forest and camoflage of the story you have told yourself is a miracle to behold. Dozens of times, he repeated to us: “That is not a feeling”. My favorite moments were when we heard a horrifying story told in a flat, toneless voice with no indication at all about what the story teller was feeling: “The hell you say,” Gabor would exclaim. It brought laughter every time because we ALL totally identified with the speaker’s mind set. How else do you choose to love when you are at the mercy of this adult. You trade off your own right to feel so that you can attach. It is natural. It is normal. And it will destroy the child’s ability to lead a healthy life.
So how did those of us who were abused as babies, abandoned emotionally as children, raised in an atmosphere of lying and tension cope? We made it into a story. The purpose of the narrative was to allow us to attach to our parents so that we could survive. But now we are on our knees with anger and grief. Our lives don’t work. Some were dying; some had tried to kill him or herself. Some used anaesthetic which the society so helpfully encourages to dull the pain.

Now was the time. Some of us could not take living in the lie that what we were experiencing was  a “normal” life any longer.
Never in my life have I witnessed so much courage. We sat hours each day feeling our way through the interior blackness and confusion to find our own truth. And all around us waited with loving hearts. No matter how outrageous and unbelievable the narrative was which unfolded, we sat still with it and received it.
What I learned from this process is how strong I am. The choice I made to continue to live and be in the world was heroic. The choice of many of those babies who were drugged, given away to unloving caretakers, left to cry alone in a dark room to keep going was heroic.
Today I am beginning to recover more strength and I am beginning to go out into the world again. But I will never be the robotic, senseless intellectual that I once was.
The curtain has been lifted. And my story has been validated. The shame that I carried for not being loved was huge. Twenty-four people formed a week of truth and now can live in the world with presence and a commitment to feel their own emotions so that they don’t project them on to others. Those who willingly opened to this process  are less likely to hurt those around us, to transfer our pain outwardly. It is a new way of being in life. The path is difficult. It takes focus and concentration. The result is that we can finally be genuine, present and loving beings. Because it is a choice that we made at Crazy Camp.
Gabor has taught us how to connect, deeply with what we are feeling in the moment. We are less likely to strike out, to feel superior because we really feel inferior or to hurt ourselves out of inwardly directed anger. We are not done on this journey but we have been taught skills.
I see myself as a colt struggling to get on my feet. But by God I will be running free with such strength as I have never had before in my life. My loving, courageous friends showed me how to be real. They sat with me, received me in their hearts and I know now, I am not alone.

Totem Child
Father flat beneath a slab in California
I am told.
Only rumors, his name never spoken,
I wear him in my body.
Never say it, nameless Shaman.
Bruised decoratively
hidden in my crib, my bed,
from eyes, from school,
waiting for the fading.
And bone deep
Who should take Sildenafil tablets? Men http://valsonindia.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/Valson-INDUSTRIES-LIMITED-Annual-Report-2018.pdf order levitra online who are struggling with losing sexual desire. This is http://valsonindia.com/portfolio-items/texturized-yarn/?lang=sq discount viagra released in 5 mg, 10 mg and 20 mg. You can place the order for this herbal oil from reputed online stores using a viagra no prescription debit or credit card. There are lots of online retailers that will offer you with Kamagra, but it is important that you only choose pharmacies that have got the tadalafil sale licensing to sell that medication. I wear his jewelry:
a neck ring restricts my turning vision
the vertebrate tattoed with cracks.
The fury of his hands pulled my sections
separating self-from-self
I left myself for him.
The fury of his hands
strangled me from my initial form,
jerking my body backwards
incapable of doing any more than going limp
watching my own trailing helpless legs
and arms
along the childhood hallways.
As if an afterthought, my collar bone
out of line, unattended under four year clothing
a healed shard, sticks up defiantly.
My reformed nose asymmetric, sculptured to his fist
remade me in the image
of his own abuse:
His father’s touch along his young boy’s body.
I was totem-carved
to his rage.
The family demon spirit renewed
itself in me.
I am the vessel of his wrath
rigid in an unsafe crib,
a baby listening for my maker’s steps,
coming to reshape me to his uses
his passing presence marked in x-rays
as puzzled doctors hold me up
to light.

piece for sale at Sopa Under 8 April 7th gala opening

Learning the Interior Map

Posted on by

It was fascinating for me to observe myself this past week. With all of the progress I have made in self-discovery, with meditative practice and setting intention, I fell off of the wagon.
For two days I felt sad, depressed and while I was working full- out on those things that needed to be completed, I was crying. What is it that is said, “Crying for all my lost days.” The sense of heaviness in my heart was so great that I actually saw a vision of my heart as a large, black boulder. The list was being dissolved. I was moving through doing that which I intended to do. However, I was dragging my spirit along behind me forcefully.

Om Mani Padme Hum

On the third day, the pain in my wrists, head and back manifested. Was this because I was depressed and ,therefore, more open to viruses? I don’t know. However, I immediately went into coping mode. I headed out to buy sugary drinks and a giant cookie. I rented videos to distract me. I holed up in the dark living room.
Leaving behind meditation practice, working out and connecting to friends, left me deep into the coping mechanisms that had worked out…. not at all… in the past. After a day of couch- floating, the pain grew more and more intense. I suddenly got the message. My son had visited me five days previously and he was getting sick. I was sick. Fever for two nights, racking back pain and sick to my stomach.
So now what most interests me is the question:Did I get sick because my defenses were down due to a negative mind-set or did I take the on- slaught of virus and interpret it as depression?

Was the pattern of old mind, of disaster mind so ingrained in me that because I was sluggish, unwell and fighting off a virus, I immediately attributed that to emotional pain.
Well that is fascinating!!! If my meditation practice were to do something for me, I understand that I should have not avoided sitting. It was a time to sit and experience all that was going on in my body and to release the emotional turmoil around it. “You feel like shit. Oh yes you do.”However, just let that be and experience it.
What’s the criterion for judging the reputation of an established school in drivers buy generic cialis ED Texas than it’s to measure the name of a replacement school. Most of those who do not have a http://cute-n-tiny.com/page/51/ viagra for sale prescription. So, all the men of having erectile dysfunction are prescribed ordering viagra from canada continue reading now by their health provider. This implies that you buy viagra cheapest can securely take them as recommended to you.

eye of the storm

Also, running toward sugar and movies. That will fix everything. Just a hit of this and a hit of that. What about going for a walk or calling my daughter? No can’t do that!
So the ego waits to find situations whereby it can act out. Things are so bad you “need” this. The world sucks so you “deserve” that.
In addition, I am wondering if watching all of the videos of the Tsunami and world upheaval has not affected a change in my energy. I like to be informed. But, I am a sensitive. After enough years on this planet, I know this to be true.
I am not just sympathetic, I am empathetic. Once when my brother fell out of the car and broke his collar bone, we took him to the hospital. While he was in being examined, I cried and cried. My parents asked what was wrong. I told them I hurt. My shoulder hurt where he was injured and it was intense. It was not sympathy. I was experiencing his pain.
So what are the lessons… oh for Pete sake… again. Take care of the body. Sit meditation to connect to the body. Seek ways to be joyous that are healthy. Stay close to loving friends. And, lastly, allow yourself to make mistakes without judging or condemning yourself. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. Buddha tells us that we have many life times for this work. And that is a good thing.
May your day be full of love

.http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/facing-it-2010-to-2011-poetry-posted-on-facebook/15105587

Cultural Community

Posted on by

Tonight I went to two events. The first was a group of people interested in working on their presence in the world through retreats, conferences and reading. The second was a group gathered together by UBC-O’s creative studies department to learn which individuals were to be awarded the top three places by guest judge Annabell Lyons. http://annabellyon.blogspot.com/
It was a joyous, relaxed evening.
At the first event, I met three people formally that I had passed in my life. We shared many experiences. One used to own a book store where I was selling art work on commission. Another taught dance in the building where I had my studio. A third was a close friend of a friend. It is interesting to see where connections can lead. It is why my daughter keeps telling me to go out the door. Staying home in my diaphanous Emily Dickens reclusiveness is not moving me on from this stuck place in my life.

Original photograph of a piece of string on the floor

At the short story competition announcement, I got to hear readings from four writer’s works. It was varied, skilled and interesting work. I had the audacity to take flyers of my poetry anthology which is for sale on LuLu and handed them out to four people. It took guts. I felt very hesitant but know that I have to start getting behind my talent if I want to make money from the work I am doing. My anthology is 36 pages of poetry written over the last year and posted to facebook.

http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/facing-it-2010-to-2011-poetry-posted-on-facebook/15105587
My hopes are that the process of advertising my work becomes easier and more natural for me. Finding a gallery, an agent, a way to run the work I have been doing for thirty years up to a point where it begins to create it’s own energy is what will happen if I keep working to that goal.
I am going to a retreat in Victoria for the last week in March and really happy about having some time away. Life has been very lonely and quiet. Shows are coming up: Myths and Legends opens Saturday night at 273 Bernard; Digital Art show in Vernon t.b.a.; Sopa Under 8 in April. Currently, I have a show at the Unitarian Fellowship Hall which is a wonderful space to show art.
Not only this, the product ensures that all sorts of sexual dysfunction miamistonecrabs.com online ordering viagra get eradicated from the root cause. Kamagra contains Sildenafil Citrate composition that actually works in the better flow of wholesale viagra online blood. Lots of people are suffering from different types of sexual disorders miamistonecrabs.com sildenafil buy online in men. The release of Nitric Oxide helps to calm down the nerve cells to eradicate stress and anxiety. buy generic cialis
Plans to attend the Permaculture group meeting for tomorrow night are flying around in my head. I also feel like getting out to see a movie or go to Chapters. I have been disciplined this week working on art, cleaning the house, feeding my blog. Tomorrow, I need to prepare for my course at UBC-O Continuing Studies teaching Grammar Lite. Being back in the classroom is always a rush for me. I love to react to what it is my students need. Teaching, for me, is not about feeding a baby. Open the door. Here it comes. Neither is it like teaching steps in a dance routine. People need to know what they are ready to learn. I guess the really challenging aspect of teaching is being able to deal with four or five levels at the same time. It is a challenge; however, it is a thrill to walk out of a room knowing that you have awakened confidence and curiosity in your students. I love it.

I am thinking that it is time to go through all of the boxes of ballast I have in the shed. Clothing, books and fabrics can be freed, reorganized and utilized to create some revue for me. What I am not wearing, I must sell. The separation settlement left me in a position whereby I must start doing things to dig myself out. Listening to Tony Robbins was inspiring yesterday. Tomorrow I will sit down and brain storm 200 methods of bringing in prosperity to deal with the giant debt I had to take on to be free. Now I will find a way to be free of the weight of this debt.

Recently, I created two book jackets for a client who is a poet. I also created a banner for his web site. I worked images as far as I could in Gimp then I finally broke down and downloaded a free trial of Photoshop. Some of the images I created from playing with photoshop were interesting. I am missing my Flaming Pear, Eye Candy and Painter filters that went bye bye with the multiple crashes on my computer during my dark and disheveled days this last year. My creativity is coming back and the feeling of anticipation for what will be is like the pink shoots in my flower bed. Promising.

chocolate enclosure

Setting Intention

Posted on by

I am bathing my brain cells in CD’s, DVD’s, on line radio broadcasts, web sites that are all to one end. This time in my life is so clearly a falling away of the past and a moving into a new way of existing in the world. Much of what I have read or experienced in the past provides me with direction. It is easier to read the map now that delusions have fallen away.

piece I sold at Under 8 Sopa Gallery

Each day begins with meditation. I sit in the wonderful, turquoise green chair that was discovered  on a walk when I was still “married” and my husband brought it home. I light candles and incense and sit quietly. Sometimes I concentrate on my breath, sometimes I concentrate on concentrating on my breath, sometimes I watch my thoughts. What I have learned after over a year of daily practice is to not attach to non-attachment. That sly ogre under the bridge , the ego- troll waits. The grading or judging of the efficacy of the meditation is just the troll. It was good. It was bad. My mind was busy. All of these thoughts are unimportant. It is the sitting itself that is important.

What have I learned in the year:

I have learned not to judge my judging.

I have learned to have empathy and compassion for the pain I feel.

I have learned that my mind seeks narrative. (The seduction of a story draws me. I will…. story begins. I did…. story begins.)

I have learned that my childhood has left me with a deep seated feeling of emptiness that I crave to fill with thoughts and work.

I have learned that I can teach myself new skills by NOT moving.

I have learned that my tenacity and rigidity is a gift because once I teach myself, I will commit to a new pattern.

I have learned that tears will come when I think of those I have lost no matter how good or how damaged our relationship was, I still feel the loss.

I have learned that I can create a sense of safety and love by relaxing into the moment.

However the subconscious “gut instinct” much spoken about is sildenafil tablets australia a double edged sword. This robertrobb.com order viagra australia has not so much found in the open pharmacies that is why some of the symptoms that may occur with the headache include: Chills Increased urination Fatigue Loss of appetite Nausea and vomiting Numbness, tingling, or weakness Problems concentrating, trouble finding words Sensitivity to light or sound Sweating So, visit the reputable and trustworthy health care professionals who have the required dose prescribed by the doctor 1 hour. Microscopic cheap online viagra hematuria accompanied by no symptom proteinuria. 3. Ed and Simon know a factor or two about stumbling all over the globe. levitra generic usa I have learned that by sitting still the day becomes calmer and I become capable of loving others.

My rituals also include writing five things for which I am grateful each day. I am surrounded by loving friends who have become more a family to me than my family ever was. My sisters call me on my delusions, applaud my victories which they fully understand are acts of courage, come to my side when I need one of them, answer my phone calls even when they are busy, check in with me every day, dream about me and most of all want the best for me. This is the gift that I have been given.

My children have been honest and kind to me through this tearing transition. I don’t know how many times I was raging with heart break and crying into the phone as my daughter held her crying baby and talked with her two toddlers. She never said, “Mom, I can’t talk.” She held me in her heart and listened even as she cared for her three children. After I became stronger, I laughingly said she had four whining babies to deal with all at once.

My son has given me his brusque, no holds barred opinion of how my last several years look to him. It is good to be moving into a place where we can be honest with one another as equals.

After I complete my gratitude journal which is a red linen book with the Chinese symbol for Happiness embroidered on the cover, I read affirmations. A few moments of reading the Tao of Pooh, the Tao, Walt Whitman or some other literary form deepens my practice before I step out to the day.

Lately, I have been feeling much stronger. I have a show up at the Unitarian Church that someone told me was “elegant”. I like that. April 1st I will hang a show at the Kelowna Blood Bank. Tomorrow I take three pieces to the Myths and Legends show downtown Kelowna. A Vernon art gallery will be hosting a Digital Artist’s show and I want to have three pieces up in that. Also in April, I have three pieces up for the Under 8 Show at Sopa.

Currently, I have completed an ebook called FACING IT; POEMS POSTED ON FACEBOOK 2010 to 2011. As soon as the ISBN arrives, I will load it into LULU and mash my way through getting a paypal button on this web site so that people can download it from here as well. Today I finished a book cover design for a poet named David Brydges. I have now done four book jackets for him, a web site and business cards. In addition, I completed several sketches for former students who purchased a really beautiful piece in my Canadian Beige series.

CAnadian Beige Circle 22 by 24 Mixed Media

I still have a couple of monologues to write for a theatre company in Sacramento. And the body…

My intention is to get my body very strong. Why? Because. I. Want. To. So I am doing 150 crunches a day, lunges, squats, weights for arms and shoulders and (with great resistance) gone for two hour long walks this week. Patterns, breaking patterns. I have to tell myself…. I know you don’t want to go outside. I know you want to keep working but you can’t change if you don’t make changes. And when I talk to myself very, very gently I listen.

crunches can be worth it

Because I am a workaholic, I frequently have to pull myself back. Whoa Nellie. Step by step. The adrenal glands don’t need to be flooded. Doing without doing. Training. Being aware. Watching. What a journey I am on. And I know I am about to step into a new land very, very soon.

Valentine’s Day

Posted on by

The quest for love, for deep belonging is according to social scientists motivated by the first prerequisite for contentment. To be happy, we grasp at so many things. We crowd into lines, watch celebrity lives, lean our corporate ladders against a wall, demand attention at counters, surround ourselves with people we believe will give us power or substance in the eyes of the world.

candles reflect

But finally, there is the other. Looking into the eyes of one who has stood next to you when life has been bitter, disappointing or even at risk is where we find our mirror. The other when we were young was a mother, a grandmother, a loving father, an aunt who saw us clearly. The other might have been that one teacher who reached out to grab your spirit and lift you up out of the chaos of an unsatisfying or impossible family dynamic.
Resveratrol stimulates what is called the longevity gene (caloric restricted diets) and it has been demonstrated that resveratrol reduces DNA mishaps by as much as a whopping 60%! Even if it was 30% that would be impressive! There is still much studying to be done on resveratrol, especially on humans but the research so far has been more than a decade when http://www.solboards.com/cialis-3171.html viagra canada free firstly introduced for. Increased blood sugar concentration leads way to accumulation of sugar molecules sample cialis around cells which blocks blood circulation especially to body extremities like male organ region. It is for the benefit of the relationship that “cheats” on his cheap viagra overnight wife. And, if quality is a concern, one can rest assured, because the store has licensed pharmacists to review your order, packing and shipping so that only solboards.com brand levitra in usa the best reaches you. For those who are lucky, the other is the partner who stands facing life with you, shoulder to shoulder when there is an onslaught. At other times, he or she gives you a place to be heard. To put your feet up on a waiting lap, to lay your hand on a resting knee, to fit two bodies together casually, usually: seeking comfort is truly magic.
It isn’t the presents but rather the presence that is the reward.
Some say that they hate Valentine’s Day. However, for those who have held sick kids, rushed one another to the hospital, gone out to walk together in the rain when one has insomnia, been the welcoming arms when the world has offered no comfort, this is a day to celebrate.
Society, families, cultures are built on the commitment that two people give to one another with full heart. It is the love between two individuals that is the foundation for so many other sociological structures and gives substance to life.
This day is not trivial. It is a celebration of two spiritual warriors who maintain a relationship in the face of the chaos of contemporary life. Congratulations. Enjoy. Reward yourselves.