scrape on edges, deep grooves

Awoke to the acid green leaves setting on the window outside my bedroom. The morning light touching flaming yellow patches translucent in their purity. The room zen like in its bamboo flooring and yellow walls does not feel bereft of nature because the trees on both sides  are part of the visual unity of the space.

My mind, so trained for anxiety began to sweep the terrain of the day like a sniper looks for movements of emnity. Perhaps that is why I feel so negatively charged when I am with people who are in defensive mode. It pulls me in and out of myself. I see mirrored in their attitudes the worst of myself. Judgment. Fault finding. Attempting to establish status and as always various types of anxiety. What I call this is the war zone mind. Some live as if they were in Lebonon or Sri Lanka during the worst of the inner city battles. Always looking for the next assault. Times of relaxation and friendship are just breaks in the vigilance necessary for survival.

I am aware that my childhood has wired me for this state. However, I am gently working to loosen those roots. The work is to be kind, gentle and loving with myself. When I falter, when my mind goes to a place of judgment and competitiveness and negativity, I see it and realize that most of that response is internal.

Yesterday while we were carrying a large piece of art out of a furniture store, I was saddened by the fact that the owner had obviously just shoved the 5 x 7 foot piece in a truck with no protection. I was saddened by the fact that they had moved their store and left no sign. When I went to leave off promotional material, the store was empty and my 3 thousand dollar piece was gone. I tried phoning the numbers on their business card and was told it was not in service. Feeling anxious (again) I sent them an email indicating that I was not notified of their move, I couldn’t find them and I wanted my art back. I over-reacted and also said that I did not want to have to take “further action” to retrieve the piece. Almost immediately I got an email back telling me ,”we don’t want your art. Come and get it out of the store.”

When I arrived, I found that the piece had suffered damaged and was scratched to the point where it is unsaleable. I will have to do hours of work to fill the gashes and get an even surface. I felt both disappointed with myself for assuming the worst and disappointed with them for not protecting a valuable piece. All I could do was to remind myself that in the future, I must be more careful about the placement of my art and be more skilled in my dealings with galleries and art dealers.

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All I can do is try to catch on.

Images of the damaged piece are included.

deep gouges in the piece

For all artists out there, what I have learned is that whenever your work is out on display in any situation, have a contract for the owner to sign. Make one of your own if they don’t have one.  There is no guarantee that they will comply but it does teach people how to treat you as an artist and as a person. The more we surround ourselves with respect, the safer we feel. The safer we feel, the less vigilant we are. The less defensive we are, the more the universe supports us.

We never catch up. However, we can catch on. Go forth in joy.